How to convince resistant LD wife?

[melissag]

Would you have been similarly motivated if he instead had asked if you would be OK with him having a girlfriend in addition to you as a wife? And if he had said, well, if you don't want sex, then you shouldn't mind if he had it with his girlfriend as long as it was just a friends with benefits arrangement and wouldn't otherwise upset your marriage? Would you have reacted at that point, or would you not have taken him seriously until he actually went out and got that girlfriend, but not yet slept with her? Or would he actually have to sleep with her?

Hmm. My situation may be a bit different than yours. I was very clear with my H that I DID want to have a good sexual relationship with him. At no point did I ever say I didn't want to ever have sex again . . . the problem wasn't that I was entirely disinterested in sex, it was that I didn't feel emotionally safe in the M and that affected my willingness to make myself vulnerable in that way. I'll be honest, *at the time* (because I was so immersed in the situation and the crazy thoughts in my head), if he had said he was going to get a girlfriend to have sex with, I would most likely have thought he was a complete ass. The fact that he wanted a D showed me that he was/is hurt, not that he's just trying to figure out how he can get laid.

Yes, sex is fun, but girls grow up being taught it is something special, emotional, and meaningful - not that it's fun. You don't just give it away, or you might get hurt. It's something to hold close and share only with someone truly trustworthy. It almost goes to the lengths for some people of feeling like sex is dirty. I'm not saying I agree with this view, but that's how it is. I remember when my H once told me that I should put out even if I don't really feel like it because it's an expectation in a M. (In his defense, he did later backtrack on that and acknowledged that would not be the kind of sex he would want anyway.) Wow. I felt like e PIECE OF MEAT. Like, that's all I was good for. And you know why? Because I listened to and internalized all the BS girls are taught about sex. If you like it too much, you're a whore. Etc.