Don't know what to think

[Whiterose]

There's a sense of relief when a decision, even the one we feared most, has been made.....like finally being told what disease you have after a long time thinking you're crazy.

You can't stand in his way, there's no point and it'll make it worse, just do what you need to do to stay strong and healthy and you'll find your way.....he may even decide to come along for the new ride:)

[tigerlily78]

I am sorry for you t-boned, I can understand your feeling numb to it right now. It seems reasonable to expect that you may need a few days to process and come to terms with this emotionally.

The good news is, you seem like your head is already headed in the right place. You know better than to fight it, you are already looking ahead and know you'll be alright. That is a big deal.

[T-boned]

WR, well you can hit me with a 2x4 if warranted. I called him on my way out of town tonight to tell him that by my saying I still thought we could work things out, and all others things referencing to that idea, was me coming from my place in all this. That I failed to acknowledge his reality in that he feels this is something he has to do to heal himself from some demons of his, and that I should not take this personally. He thanked me for that - I could tell he was trying to hold back tears as was I. I asked him to try and understand where I'm coming from - I've only had a short time to start detaching - that he's been at it for some time now, so to be patient with me. Also said I wanted to get through this with dignity and grace, to be amicable, understanding, and compassionate. He agreed. It was a rather bittersweet conversation - I could hear it in his voice this is not something he is taking lightly. He's hurting, we're both hurting, but he sees it as something he needs to do to heal himself. I just wish I understood what it is that's eating at him. But it's not my time to know. Feel like I put the final nail in the coffin by letting go. I truly feel like I have dropped the rope.

[T-boned]

Thank you Tigerlily. I think my head is in the right place but it's so hard to stay there. Check out my reponse to Whiterose - I just finished it and am in tears at the moment. Plus I need to go to bed. It's late, as usual, and I have to be up at 5am.

I will keep up with you - not sure if I will be posting much about my sitch for a while. It seems to be at a place where what else can you say? Says he hasn't filed yet, wasn't sure if he was supposed to do that first or get a mediator lined up first. I just asked him to let me know when he does file so I can expect the paperwork - not be surprised. He said he would.

[Cadet]

not sure if I will be posting much about my sitch for a while. It seems to be at a place where what else can you say? Says he hasn't filed yet, wasn't sure if he was supposed to do that first or get a mediator lined up first. I just asked him to let me know when he does file so I can expect the paperwork - not be surprised. He said he would.

Make your sich about YOU.

There is lots to say!

What are YOU going to do for YOU?

He is going to have his crisis and you are not invited.

OK?

[T-boned]

Oh Cadet, thanks for the splash of water in the face.

Truth of the matter is I find it hard to have it be about me - have never been comfortable having it about me. It's that whole 'I am not worthy' cr_p.. I just finished Brene Brown's book, "Daring Greatly" and she addresses that topic quite a bit. Great book! I have also been reading "Women Who Love Too Much' by Robin Norwood - a classic - however, I never wanted to change my man. I loved him the way he was. But I found out a lot about how and why I make certain choices or my feelings of unworthiness. I even picked up a few tidbits that explained my H behavior prior to all this. Reviewers of WWLTM said the book could really apply to both men and women. Highly recommend both. Still have lots more reading to do in regards to self improvement/self awareness, being present in the moment, living a whole-hearted life. Mindfulness..

Anyway, I feel as though I am being proactive in taking responsibility for my life. This is not a road I wanted or chose to go down, but I may as well look for the beauty and joy along the way. Did I really say that? Now if I can live it....

I've already fought for my life dealing with cancer - - a battle that will never really end. That road did not seem like it would have any beauty or joy but I sure found some of both along the way - real surprises.

I know I have the strength to face this new challenge. I just feel like I need to deal with this latest development and be quiet with it for a while.

Can you 'drop the rope' and still DB?

[AJM]

Can you 'drop the rope' and still DB?

Absolutely! But you realize he has some things he needs to work out, right? This really isn't about you - he told you that and he seems to mean it. His actions seem to support that as well. Not to say he won't blame you later, but it doesn't look like that's his path. He seems more to be checking out of life in general and dealing with his past - and you aren't able to help him with that directly.
I mention that because that leads to the question - what do you do to DB while he's "gone on this journey" of his?

GAL. Be positive. Be that friend he's in need of. Love him enough to let him do what he seems to need to do. Completely.

Make sense?

In some ways, you're lucky. You have overcome other obstacles and have the tools to do so. I think you'll do well with this; you already are.

Hang in there!

Peace,
AJ

[T-boned]

AJ, thank you for your reply.

Yes, I realize this is not about me (however I lose sight of this at times) and that he needs to work things out on his own. Because I love him I want to let him go, it's just so hard to sacrifice my own feelings - a bit selfish I guess, but I'm only human. I think you have him pegged very well. You're very astute. I believe he still loves me very much but was afraid to hurt me by saying he wasn't satisfied with his life, including our marriage.

I am GAL, trying to stay positive but do slip now and then, especially after I see him. He had said one time he would like to be able to do things together as friends but I told him I didn't think I was there yet.

All of what you said makes total sense and I feel stronger, like I can do it especially after reading your response. It re-enforces how I felt once he made me aware of how serious this was for him. It has just been difficult emotionally detaching from him. He's had a few years - I've only had a few months.

Thanks for your wise and insightful comments. Please visit me again.

Hugs to you, my friend. ((()))

[tigerlily78]

T-boned. I hope you will keep posting. Let us follow along in the highlights of the new journey, and we will keep being here when you feel the lows too. That's what this whole thing is about, isn't it. We all support each other to take the journey we've been dealt and learn to make it our own in the best way we know how.

Your ability to still find so much compassion for your H through all of this is really inspiring. Make sure you save a little of that compassion for yourself too. You are SO deserving of taking care of yourself right now in whatever ways you need to.

[T-boned]

Tigerlily, you brought tears to my eyes with your response. All along I have looked at your quote below your 'signature' and I have meant to comment on it several times. It's exactly how I feel.

I may not get what I want out of this, but knowing I have given him every ounce of love I have for him makes me feel like I have done all I can for now for him.

Yes, it is now time for me to find the love for myself along with the support I get from all of you to get through this. As you said, that's what we are all here for - each other.

I hope you're hanging in there, as well. I'll check your thread.

My thanks and hugs to you as well.