New to the board, fairly newly LBS from MLC.

[tigerlily78]

Thanks Heather for your perspective. I know he is a zombie. It would be so much easier if he acted like a zombie, not someone who sits in the other room laughing hysterically and clapping and hooting and hollering at a video like life has never been more swell.

So should I write something up about his "commitment" to keep paying the mortgage and utilities here and ask him to sign it? And then give him an estimate of what I think is fair/necessary for our other expenses and have him commit to that too and how/when we should receive it?

I am a little worried this will be construed as pressure or me "being a greedy B**tch who only cares about the money." I feel like I have to be really careful about framing it properly, or he is going to read more into it than is healthy: "she doesn't trust me to keep my promises (fairly true at this point)" or "she doesn't care about me as long as I keep paying the bills (not true)."

[tigerlily78]

Also, my name is not on the mortgage, so in that sense I am off the hook if he decides to flake out on paying it. But I do kind of get the sense that at least for now he is as worried about keeping the house for his own sake as for anyone.

[LoisB]

Ok. Then, I say think very carefully and get as many opinions as possible about the money before you broach the subject with him.

I know it stinks to do nothing. But, for now, it's the best course of action.

Put it out there tomorrow on the boards that you are trying to come up with a financial plan. I'm sure you will get plenty of help.

I would strongly consider seeing an attorney. Just to get the facts. This has nothing to do with the relationship, just the finances.

Within a week of my H's leaving, I put together a budget. I told him what I felt he was responsible for and made copies. His dad is an attorney, so I knew, at that time, I was covered.

H agreed to pay the amount I suggested.

Sleep on it. You don't have to rush into anything. Your H sounds pretty content right now and that's good. Let him think you are just cruising along with whatever he suggests. Time is to your advantage.

I hope you can take it easy tonight and sleep.

None of this has ANYTHING to do with you. Really, this is a journey he would have taken no matter how perfect you were in this relationship. Reading the archives on here and Cadet's suggested reading will really help give you some peace of mind.

Maybe give yourself the week to sort out the finances. Then you have a deadline to get it done, within reason.

You have had such a shock in this last month, pamper yourself.

It gets so much better. I promise.

Heather

[tigerlily78]

Well, he is content with the status quo. Over the weekend I started to get kind of pissed about it. I had my shopping list ready to go Saturday, he didn't want to go shopping and didn't want to give me a debit card to go on my own.

Today he came home earlier than I expected and thought I should be ready to go shopping and do laundry when he magically arrived, and instead I was sleeping in. (I stayed up late and I have been having some very troubling dreams that make it hard to go back to sleep). Then by the time I was ready to get up he informed me he thought he was leaving before dinner time (I asked for clarification as to what TIME that would be). He said it would be 4 or so, so I concluded I wouldn't have time to do the laundry today either. He told me not to run off with the car again today. I asked if he needed it. He said for groceries and laundry. I said that's fine then, but I don't feel like doing either of those things today. He wanted to know again where I go anyways when I leave. I told him not to worry about it, it's not like I am driving around looking for my soulmate just yet." He eventually took it upon himself to gather up and attempt to do just his OWN laundry in a load. He needed to ask me what the "trick is" the using our washer which has been in disrepair for 4 years (I have explained this process to him dozens of times). I was kind of pissy about showing him, AGAIN. I got dressed and told him I was going to run, didn't know how long I was going to be gone, and that he could take the list and go get the groceries if he wanted.

I did my run and then ended up walking about 5 miles extra in a circuit around the neighborhood because I just did not want to be here.

Apparently while I was gone he worked to make it so we can stream some movies and tv shows from our computer to the TV via our Playstation. He told my son via message that this was "for mom or whoever." I am sure he thinks that if only I was properly distracted being able to watch tv and movies, then I wouldn't be such an emotional spaz over this whole thing. :P

[tigerlily78]

^Note: the reason this solution is necessary is because in the days after bombdrop he decided to cancel our cable tv and netflix because "that stuff costs too much and we don't need it." A decision he made and carried out without even discussing it with me until it was done. Though in the end I told him I didn't care that much about cable tv, I mostly only care about watching the shows he and I stream together or that I watch with my son anyways. :P

[Pudmuddle]

Oh tiger, we are in the same spot right now. Sick of the status quo. If they really want to 'get on' with their lives why don't they just DO IT. Bleah.

It's ok for us to be moody once in awhile, sheesh, they do it all the time! I know I have explained or had to remind H of many convos we've had.

Well, good for you on the walking! At least all this stress gets us off the couch more. Hang in there tiger. I'm with ya.

[tigerlily78]

Oh tiger, we are in the same spot right now. Sick of the status quo. If they really want to 'get on' with their lives why don't they just DO IT. Bleah.

It's ok for us to be moody once in awhile, sheesh, they do it all the time! I know I have explained or had to remind H of many convos we've had.

Doesn't it just make you nuts? If they want to go SO BAD, then just go fly little cuckoo birds! Be free! Keep flapping until you are tired and ready to come home and roost and work on the nest! And stop plucking feathers our of MY nest to make yourself comfortable somewhere else!

The whole sense of entitlement really gets my goat. They think they deserve it all, and anyone who thinks different needs to just shut up and get out of the way. Hrrrmph.

[Pudmuddle]

It does make me nuts. I keep thinking I'm doing great with the db and doing ok with the pma and then pffffft.

If they want to leave then why make it so hard on the people left behind. They have no regard for our feelings anymore, which is still incomprehensible to me...how....HOW does that happen?

I love your analogies tiger, and the way you write so well. Put your freakin' feathers elsewhere H! lol!

[tigerlily78]

Well, I had my first therapy session today. All in all I think it went well. She is fully familiar with the DB'ing strategy, but she is on the same page as far as GALing, 180ing, and putting my goals in alignment for working through this situation with or without him in the future. That I am going to have to come to terms with whether or not I believe he is capable of being the type of partner I need after all this is over.

She really did lay it out there for me that I have been carrying more of my weight in this relationship for quite awhile both in terms of household stuff and emotionally. She says it's still okay for me to be angry and sad and to let that stuff out when I need to, how that affects H is his own problem to deal with. She thinks it is still pretty early on for me to try and kid myself about real detachment... that is is a long process I am going to have to work on a little at a time.

She also said that she can see I am clearly not ready to tell him to pack his crap and leave, that instead she sees the importance of me instead attempting to work WITH him to put steps in place to allow me to be more financially independent. This also puts it back on him a little to help sort out the consequences of his decision to put us in this position. She thinks getting a second car is something we should not put off if we can help it, and that it is important for me to have the opportunity to have a real, adult job that can pay some bills not a kiddie job that is more for show and gumption than anything else. I can agree with that, but we also should have had our roof replaced like 6 months ago, so it is not like the money for a second car is already just sitting there to be spent. I guess I have to frame it as a tool that gives us BOTH more freedom, and isn't that what he wants? (just not if he has to pay for it maybe. :P )

We of course touched on my emotional background and why I am predisposed toward meeting other people's needs and fixing their problems to the detriment of neglect of my own. So yes, if he is ever going to come back into this relationship I am going to have to defend my right to have my own needs met in a more consistent way. And of course that although I am not perfect, I really have gone above and beyond in this relationship in a lot of ways, I cannot blame myself for his decision.

Of course also delved into his past some, therapist said she would have to agree that therapy earlier in life might have been very helpful to him... that he seems like he has always been guarded and less emotionally available than is possible for a man to be.

She said not to feel like I need to rush to make decisions or take actions, I am still processing emotions and grief in particular so it's okay to take some time for me and the most important thing is to get a better handle on WHO I am and what I want and then lay out my ground work to get there. That right now he seems very content with having a foot in both worlds, so I don't need to feel pressure to do anything to

I came home and did some stuff on the computer and then went to lay on the bed for awhile and pet my cat and reflect on my session. H comes in and asks if we have Boy Scouts tonight. (yes). "So how did your thing go?," he asks. I ask what thing he is talking about. "Your appointment or whatever it was." (there is a post-it note on his wall that says 1pm - therapy and I had to ask him Friday if I could take this appointment that came up from a cancellation). He KNOWS it was therapy, is he immune to using the word?

I said it went okay, that I have a lot of things to think about. He wanted to know what kind of things. I said, "Like whether or not I think you are capable of being or becoming the sort of partner in life that I want." *crickets* I also explained how she said I need to keep processing my emotions and get myself to a place where I can make decisions for my own well being that are independent of whether or not he decides to come back to me." At this point I accidentally swiped my contact lense out of my eye with the back of my hand and I asked him to turn on the light and see if he could help me find it. He looked in my eyes and all over me and didn't see it. I finally found it on the edge of the sheet. Oh what crummy timing.

I mentioned she also thought getting a second car is something we should prioritize for both our sakes. He said OH well he'd have to think about it. So was money and moving forward ALL we talked about? (nope, we talked about a lot of other stuff too). But at this point he said didn't want to talk any more about it right now, he was starting to feel stressed and would rather talk about it more tomorrow. I said that was fine, I wasn't sure I was ready to talk about it yet either.

So, I let it end at that. Such a weird conversation.

[tigerlily78]

blech. I meant the counselor ISNT deeply familiar with DBing.