When you say you are HD, are you expecting her to meet your level of D? Or are you OK with more of an average frequency?
It's not just about frequency, it's the whole mindset that goes along with being HD. I have sexual fantasies and all kinds erotic energy every day. I don't even understand people who want sex only once a week. Sure, I could "compromise" and have sex just once a week, but if that's the case 90% of the sex I have will be solo. Meaning that from my point of view, my marriage would still be 90% sexless in a partnered sense. The vast majority of my sexual energy would be my own fantasies, porn, or whatever. I have never gone as long as a week without sexual release my entire adult life. I've heard the statement that I "shouldn't need sex that often" too many times. Even had people on this forum post to me that if I was in a real loving relationship, I'd want sex less often because it would be more quality sex, etc. I know the advice is well-meant, but seems to me to come from people who have less desire, and justify it by one-upping and insisting that it's "quality" they are interested in, as if I'm just some kind of cheap man whore. LOL So, OK, let's try this -- would you be OK with just one good mean a week? I mean a real big meal, high quality, right? Why not? Are you some kind of glutton that needs food every day? How disgusting.
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Worse yet, sometimes a week later he'd be back to the complaints about how we have a "sexless marriage." That made me feel like my efforts were completely wasted, and I couldn't possibly ever make him happy.
Been through somewhat the same thing. My wife has said things like, "You want sex now again?!!! We just had sex two days ago!!!" It was hard for me to keep from rolling my eyes back in my head.
It's just my viewpoint as an HD person, I realize, but it's hard for me to see how a person who "wants" sex just once a week could be enjoying it all. I mean, if it really was enjoyable, wouldn't you want it more often? What makes one not think of sex on days 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6, and then, suddenly, one wants sex real bad on day 7?!! What changed from day 6 to day 7? Doesn't make sense to me.
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I think another issue for me was complacency. I knew we were going through a crappy time, but I thought that we had our whole lives to figure it out.
I can only imagine how annoying that would feel to me. Kind of like, "we don't have any food right now, but we have our whole lives to figure it out." No we don't.
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Little did I know that H did not agree . . . he was not about to live his whole life like this, and he didn't see a way out other than D.
Absolutely. If you are of the mind that sex is one of the most fun things one can possibly do, it makes no sense at all to be without it. Like what is the point of everything else you're doing if you deny yourself the best part of all. That's just stupidity beyond belief. And we live in culture that gets upset if you try to do that with anyone else but your designated sexual partner in marriage? And that person has no interest at all. It's probably the most stupid thing I have ever experienced about the whole concept of marriage.
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What is your W's position? She may just be stuck, too.
Perhaps. But she doesn't want to talk about it. I've tried too many times to talk about it, including in therapy. But we get along very well otherwise, because I don't pressure her anymore. We do many other romantic things together, but there's no sex whatsoever.
