wife hardens heart-5

[PatientMan]

I keep starting to type a reply, and I keep having to delete it. I'm having trouble relating to your sitch as I can't understand an environment that I've created where OM would ever...communicate with me. Not just the way he is communicating with you, just in general.

I guess maybe a way to illustrate what I mean is the example of my XW and my kids. My kids argue and bicker and banter with XW, and she'll complain about it and get frustrated and it can be very trying and tiring for her.

My kids don't argue with me. They are my children. They are not adults. I - in no way - give them the impression that they and I are on equal footing...arguing with me would be so foreign...I mean...who argues with a child? Arguing with them would validate them as some sort of equal, of which they are not. *I* know that and *they* know that. There is a clear line of demarcation.

In the same manner, who is this person who is speaking to you? How in the world does he have any impression that he - in any way - is on equal footing with you and acts accordingly? I'm just sitting here scratching my head thinking of things that *I* would say or do, but maybe that isn't you and wouldn't work for you.

So my kids don't argue with me. I certainly encounter other children who aren't held to the same standard by their parents, and it takes all of about 5 seconds to establish what is and what is not acceptable behavior towards me or with me around.

But when I think about it, this doesn't just apply to children. People - in general - typically treat me a certain way. And I guess it goes back to the old adage that people will treat you however you will allow them to. So somehow you've allowed OM to think he has a place communicating with you in such a manner. My advice to you is to remedy that. I remember giving similar advice months ago, so really give what you need to do some thought.

I hope that made some sort of sense...I'm still thinking about the right way to say it.

I know her. She wouldn't even care anymore. I will not lower myself.

I'm not saying you pay a pilot to tie a banner to his plane and fly around your city with the message of what your W has done and is doing, I'm just saying to stop hiding it. Stop carrying that weight around. You have been carrying it for so long you may not even realize how heavy it is, but if you take it off your shoulders I guarantee you'll feel lighter.

She thinks she can manipulate you with your desire to reconcile. Take that playing card away from her. You are a man and you will not be trifled with. She may be extremely ticked off at you and lash out, but that wouldn't surprise me as she very much acts like a child...and children don't like having things taken away from them, especially something that gives them the illusion of power.

But don't worry about that. Grown men don't care what little kids think of them. Grown men do what's best and what's right regardless.

Lastly, you keep posting about how irrational and crazy your W is acting when you try to communicate with her. So why are you still trying to communicate? If she is acting like a nutbag, then communicate out of absolute necessity only. Otherwise avoid her like you would any other nutbag. It sounds like you're reaching that point - that's good.

-PM