New to the board, fairly newly LBS from MLC.

[tigerlily78]

I am thinking maybe it would be good to do as someone else suggested and just ask him to take off for a few days and give me some space. After Monday night my son and I don't have any pressing commitments until Saturday morning... so that seems like a good opportunity to cut him free for a few days and see how it goes.

I wrote a whole big dumb letter, but it is geared toward giving him the final shove out the door for real. Maybe it would be good for you guys to review it though and give me suggestions NOW, so when I reach that point it is ready:

DRAFT (NOT SENDING YET):

"You have every right to be happy, but I think you should go and do it somewhere else... In the home of the woman you think makes you happy seems to be more appropriate than you coming here and rubbing it in my face on a daily basis. I am still working to cope with a loss, and it is difficult to do while you are still coming and going like you live here.

It would probably be easier for both of us if we can come to an agreement about how much money (son) and I should have for groceries and other expenses each week and then for you to give it to me in cash or in another card account to manage and budget as needed. Then I won't have the burden of asking you for money and you won't have to deal with any distrust about me having your card and you won't have to go do the grocery shopping with me anymore.

I very much dislike being treated with mistrust, when I feel I have done little to earn that level of mistrust. I also resent the implications that you have any right to control me. You gave up any legitimate claim you had to control or influence me the moment you decided we were no longer in a committed relationship. You don't get to hold me hostage and determine what I will settle for, or put up with, or what I deserve.

I feel you are intentionally trying to exert control over me through the car and the money situation, so you have the reassurance that I will always be here waiting to be your contingency plan. That is not a decision YOU get to make for me.

I am not second place. I'm not someone you get to just settle for because it's "easy" and you want someone to take care of you if things don't work out in your new situation.

In the event you ever decide you want to come back to me, it is not going to be easy. I am going to expect a lot more of you and of myself and of our relationship. We are both going to have to work on our own emotional problems, we are both going to have to work on improving our communication, we are going to have to work harder for fairness and balance and respect and working for our common goals in our relationship. I want to be able to forgive you, and I think I am capable of that, but you are also going to have to be willing to be transparent and open with me so we can slowly work towards rebuilding trust. We are going to have to be willing and able to express our needs and wants, and committed to working together to meet BOTH of our needs INSIDE of this relationship and within ourselves.

For right now I think you should just take the leap and reach for what you want with both hands. You didn't go slow for the first six weeks, so what sense does it make to slow down now and keep a foot in both worlds? I don't think it is helping either of us.

You shouldn't be lingering here waiting until it is more convenient or comfortable to be with her. You already made the decision to be with her, so GO be with her. Live that life. Embrace that reality.

I am not going to spend everyday of the rest of my life waiting for you to come back. I need to accept the reality that you might never come back and start moving on, and that is a much easier path for me to walk without you here on a daily basis.

I hope you will continue to honor your commitments to pay for this house until I am able to do it myself or I choose a different living arrangement, and to allow (son) and I to use the car when we need it. I will keep sending you the dates and times of our events so you can plan accordingly.

If you want to arrange to come and do things with (son), that is fine. You are also welcome to take him out to do things. Swimming on a regular basis would be good and very helpful for him, if that is something you are willing to take on. Please plan things ahead of time and let me know.

I continue to feel it would be inappropriate for (son) to meet (OW) or for you to take him to her place at this time. I hope you will honor that decision. The behavioral therapist recommended waiting at least 6 months, until things are more settled. If after 6 months you want to own up to having a relationship with another woman to your son, then that is for you to decide. I am not going to break that news.

I think the added space and freedom will help us both better come to terms with our situations."