New to the board, fairly newly LBS from MLC.

[LoisB]

You know, Tiger, I've been thinking about your situation and my own doubts about whether it's been better with H away or living here.

This is ultimately HIS JOURNEY. And, MLC-ers are so hypervigilant, confused, creepy and otherwise psycho...I'm cool with my H living elsewhere.

He needs to figure himself out. I don't want to be the scapegoat in his life. If he lived here, that's who I'd be. I'd be the reason for his unhappiness.

I'm still the reason, even with him gone, but I feel there is some advantage, in my case, with H having glimpses here and there of our life today.

It provides a reality check with what's going through his mind. He lives in his head right now.

When he comes over...I have control over how the house looks, how I look, how I behave...I have a better shot of giving him my best than if he was living here--day-to-day.
Maybe it's the illusion of control, but it gives me a break and the ability to control my living environment.

I've enjoyed this freedom. But, there's a penalty. That's the endless hours of NOT knowing what he's doing, where he is...etc... YOu are forced to detach. Another plus? IDK.

I'm not sure this helps, I guess it comes down to your situation and what outcome you are hoping for. I'm not willing to swap my daily peace of mind even if it gives me a better shot at reconciliation. I've already paid too high a price in this marriage.

Maybe the first step is deciding what you want, in the end? And, what you are willing to give up/gain to get there?? Just my two cents.

Heather

[LoisB]

P.S. Having him move out also honors his wishes. It sorta forces him to "jump into this fantasy" that he feels he wants.

If you go that route, you can always say to him, "I'm honoring your decision to leave this family. This is what YOU are saying you want." Let him have at it. Real life forces its way into every fantasy--sooner or later living at Disneyworld becomes just another drain on the wallet and irritating as he!! because it's constantly full of kids!!

[kml]

Tigerlily - have you seen an attorney yet? Have you figured out what your rights are, and how much you might get in child support?

I know you are hoping he will wake up and come home, and maybe he will - but right now you need to be looking after your financial well-being. And as long as you are at the mercy of what HE decides to give you, he's got you under his control and gets to keep you as plan B.

I'm all for making him move completely out and turning his fantasy into the real (read - flawed) thing. And letting him wonder about how you're spending your time when he's not there. As long as he knows you are sitting there waiting for him, he doesn't have to choose.

You've used this time to show him an improved version of yourself, and you still can. But one improvement you need to make is to not be willing to be treated this way.

(Btw - a grown man who punches holes in walls? I'm guessing you can do better)

[tigerlily78]

Tigerlily - have you seen an attorney yet? Have you figured out what your rights are, and how much you might get in child support?

I had an informal discussion with a friend of a friend who is a lawyer. This state doesn't recognize Common Law Marriages formed after a certain year, so I won't have any protections or rights via that. My child support is likely to be about $580 a month, maybe a little more based on our son's therapy and medication needs. So in the current situation I am better off just letting him pay the mortgage and stuff if he is still willing to. (He keeps saying this is his intention). But then that feeling may change if I let him know he is no longer welcome to come and go as he pleases.

[LoisB]

I am better off just letting him pay the mortgage and stuff if he is still willing to. (He keeps saying this is his intention). But then that feeling may change if I let him know he is no longer welcome to come and go as he pleases.

Then, leave it alone until you know your rights for sure. First priority, be a smart business woman. This will vital for your son right now. He needs at least one parent to think clearly. He's counting on you.

I know this is a lot of pressure. But, I would shelf any decision about living arrangements until business is taken care of.

[tigerlily78]

Heather, You had me convinced I should tell him to pack his bags... and now you convinced me it's not a good idea!

Oh the Humanity.

The reality is our mortgage is underwater, so I kind of have a feeling that he knows he is on the hook to keep paying for the house anyways. It's not like he would make out better by selling it. And I can tell paying the mortgage and the "taking care of me financially" is a means of allaying his guilt... it may even be some selfishness on his part because he wants the safety net of somewhere to live if OW breaks it off with him. :P

I guess it is not something I need to do right now, that option is always there for me later on if I really do feel like he is stuck and milking both situations. I guess I am just feeling like inevitably he is going to decide to move in with her for real, right? Why should I wait around and let it be on his terms? Isn't letting him keep a foot in both worlds just enabling him to not accept the reality he has chosen?

This MLC stuff [censored]. I wish there was one right answer to any single situation!

[LoisB]

I'm sorry, LOL.

I just went through the mortgage stuff. Ours was three months behind and I modified the loan. I can help if your name is on the mortgage. If he is the primary mortgage holder and you are the co-signer, then you can get permission to work with the mortgage company yourself.

If he is feeling guilty right now, then I suggest putting a budget together and come up with a set amount you want him to pay monthly to cover the mortgage and support for your son, etc... Get it in writing.

If you can afford legal counsel, get it. THEN, you can kick him to the curb if you still feel it's what YOU need. Seeing as how the two of you aren't married, it's really important you get something in writing.

Keep your cards hidden, though, if you sense he will get scared and change his tune.

I gave you info based on my situation. Read as many threads as you can muster right now. Lots of reading. I'm sure you did lots of reading on Asperger's, well, now it's time to read about MLC.

There are situations where having the H at home is the best case. Don't make a decision based on one person.

You can handle this. Get your ducks in a row though first, so you and, more importantly, your son are protected.

For me, dwelling on the exciting part of this journey helps. I'm excited to create my own life.

[LoisB]

Let him milk both sides right now. Let him as long as he is paying you and taking care of the bills. Keep him thinking that the status quo is alright with you for now. If he feels safe and guilty, it will buy you time to figure this business stuff out.

Business first.

Emotional stuff later.

[tigerlily78]

I am thinking maybe it would be good to do as someone else suggested and just ask him to take off for a few days and give me some space. After Monday night my son and I don't have any pressing commitments until Saturday morning... so that seems like a good opportunity to cut him free for a few days and see how it goes.

I wrote a whole big dumb letter, but it is geared toward giving him the final shove out the door for real. Maybe it would be good for you guys to review it though and give me suggestions NOW, so when I reach that point it is ready:

DRAFT (NOT SENDING YET):

"You have every right to be happy, but I think you should go and do it somewhere else... In the home of the woman you think makes you happy seems to be more appropriate than you coming here and rubbing it in my face on a daily basis. I am still working to cope with a loss, and it is difficult to do while you are still coming and going like you live here.

It would probably be easier for both of us if we can come to an agreement about how much money (son) and I should have for groceries and other expenses each week and then for you to give it to me in cash or in another card account to manage and budget as needed. Then I won't have the burden of asking you for money and you won't have to deal with any distrust about me having your card and you won't have to go do the grocery shopping with me anymore.

I very much dislike being treated with mistrust, when I feel I have done little to earn that level of mistrust. I also resent the implications that you have any right to control me. You gave up any legitimate claim you had to control or influence me the moment you decided we were no longer in a committed relationship. You don't get to hold me hostage and determine what I will settle for, or put up with, or what I deserve.

I feel you are intentionally trying to exert control over me through the car and the money situation, so you have the reassurance that I will always be here waiting to be your contingency plan. That is not a decision YOU get to make for me.

I am not second place. I'm not someone you get to just settle for because it's "easy" and you want someone to take care of you if things don't work out in your new situation.

In the event you ever decide you want to come back to me, it is not going to be easy. I am going to expect a lot more of you and of myself and of our relationship. We are both going to have to work on our own emotional problems, we are both going to have to work on improving our communication, we are going to have to work harder for fairness and balance and respect and working for our common goals in our relationship. I want to be able to forgive you, and I think I am capable of that, but you are also going to have to be willing to be transparent and open with me so we can slowly work towards rebuilding trust. We are going to have to be willing and able to express our needs and wants, and committed to working together to meet BOTH of our needs INSIDE of this relationship and within ourselves.

For right now I think you should just take the leap and reach for what you want with both hands. You didn't go slow for the first six weeks, so what sense does it make to slow down now and keep a foot in both worlds? I don't think it is helping either of us.

You shouldn't be lingering here waiting until it is more convenient or comfortable to be with her. You already made the decision to be with her, so GO be with her. Live that life. Embrace that reality.

I am not going to spend everyday of the rest of my life waiting for you to come back. I need to accept the reality that you might never come back and start moving on, and that is a much easier path for me to walk without you here on a daily basis.

I hope you will continue to honor your commitments to pay for this house until I am able to do it myself or I choose a different living arrangement, and to allow (son) and I to use the car when we need it. I will keep sending you the dates and times of our events so you can plan accordingly.

If you want to arrange to come and do things with (son), that is fine. You are also welcome to take him out to do things. Swimming on a regular basis would be good and very helpful for him, if that is something you are willing to take on. Please plan things ahead of time and let me know.

I continue to feel it would be inappropriate for (son) to meet (OW) or for you to take him to her place at this time. I hope you will honor that decision. The behavioral therapist recommended waiting at least 6 months, until things are more settled. If after 6 months you want to own up to having a relationship with another woman to your son, then that is for you to decide. I am not going to break that news.

I think the added space and freedom will help us both better come to terms with our situations."

[LoisB]

Tiger,

It's not a big dumb letter. It's how you feel.

Posting it here is awesome. Let it out here. I think a week's timeout from your H is a great idea. Give yourself a chance to recharge and digest all that's happened.

In this time, you can take some action about the money/finances.

I think the letter may be something for down the road. Not yet.

The first step is to get the finances in order on your side of the street. Your H has shown clearly that he is VERY unclear. A cool head will prevail. That's on you right now.

I know the desire to put all your feelings out there. I do. It's maddening how insensitive and horrifying our spouses are right now. Sadly, he is in no position to really hear what you have to say.

Imagine him as a zombie. His brain has been eaten right now by MLC brain eaters. He is in a very distant, sad, crazy place right now. Let him be for now.

Now is the time to rise to the occasion by being braver than you ever thought possible. You are a superhero. You can do this.

Set the financial boundaries. Take a week's time. Let him know you would like a week to digest all that's happened. As much as it may kill you, you may want to give him the impression he is still on safe ground with you.

"I know you are trying to figure some things out for yourself. I need a break to digest all this information. I appreciate you understanding that I need until Saturday without seeing you. It will help to sort some things out for myself."

Something like that. Others on the thread may have different ideas. Read, post and open yourself up to the many different ways to approach your situation.

You can do it!

Heather