GUILT IS IT A GOOD SIGN?

[Ambivalent]

BF,
Well since my husband doesn't wear a ring, women don't know that he's married. Unless he says he's separated. Who knows?

I really don't want to go there in my mind. I do know we have had positive interactions for several months . More so than any negative. And even when he got grumpy the other day, he was acting apologetic, he brought it up.

The part that's difficult is, for him to wine and dine, I need to make more money...then he has more discretionary funds. It is a catch 22.

For our marriage me earning is a priority now. I want it too. But I also know it gives him more money to burn. It would feel like I'm paying for his catting around. It feels awful to be in this position.

I have to just work on me for me. I have worked on and conquered almost everything that HE said were issues.

Earning is the last.

I'm in school so I can earn better pay

I've a part time job

I'm wearing sexier clothes

I'm taking care of myself and have lost a ton of
weight

I have loosened up quite a bit. I even drink
occasionally

I make an effort to step out of my comfort zone

I make an effort to be more outgoing with his
friends

I have done a ton of research on sex, toys,
erotica, positions, how to's ,masturbation,
foreplay, but this cannot be seen now can it?

I'm even wearing thongs!( I used to make fun
of them, dental floss, thread...etc. you get
the pic. )

Things that were really for me, was the weight loss, he wanted the gymn attendance. Learning to swing dance, educating myself, researching and understanding what men want and how to communicate with them better are things for me, but will enhance any relationship I have. As for him wanting to be important or thinking of him. That is a tough one to conquer without looking weak. Ways I've tried to show him with actions on this are:

Getting up and preparing a breakfast and coffee on hunt days

Asking him if he would like this or that

When he's here asking if he would like something to eat or drink

Having a welcoming attitude and smile on my face, even through extreme pain

Made him a dinner when he was out all day running errands and
working from the house

If he makes a suggestion, I allow him to influence me

Listen and make eye contact ( this is one of the most difficult
for me ) Eye contact with anyone interrupts my ability to hear and process what someone is saying. I'm not an auditory processor and I get easily get visually distracted.

Saying " Thank you " This is something I believe should be done always. It show appreciation, I like to hear it. Husbands want
to feel appreciated.




Other than the friends, most of the above things were things I'm happy to change or improve upon. It's been fun!The friends plays into my social anxiety. The drinking does loosen me up, and I'm not getting drunk/inebriated. My youngest and I have actually enjoyed creating our own martinis. It was a fun mother daughter project.

Learning about libido, what kills it, what enhances it FOR ME, was like taking a course! Now I'm er, ready...so to speak, but a bit frustrated ;D I know in due time !

I've become more flexible, but this is something that can always be improved upon.


Tomorrow I'm going to do the checklist I wrote down earlier. Unfortunately , he hasn't read my email with the cable show list he wanted. I'm sure he's "busy". In that email, I inquire about the bank he used for free checking with our daughters and himself.


Reaching H.
There are definitely negatives to having a creative mind! And I am VERY creative! You should just peek into my head and the scenarios that I can create.

This(mlc) just RIPS the esteem and I have to parent myself all over again. Had to do damage control in my twenties from my parents

Lois,.

"I am healing."
"My marriage is healing."
"It's not what I imagine."
"I am beautiful just as I am today."

Thanks everyone...I've come a ways but I'm still a "work in progress"


!