GUILT IS IT A GOOD SIGN?

[Ambivalent]

May I ask you RH what did you do to keep the thoughts of OW out of your mind? Now that I've got a name...and that I'm tired, I visualize scenarios in my mind.

I DON'T want to go there! I want to focus on our positive interactions.

[LoisB]

Amba, I'm not expert at this, but I've found some success with repeating a phrase over and over and over...

"I am healing."
"My marriage is healing."
"It's not what I imagine."
"I am beautiful just as I am today."

You get the idea. Over and over until the images stop.

I know others imagine a big STOP sign.

It's torture, I know. But, you can do this.

Thank you, by the way, for working so hard to help me these past few days. It meant a lot.

All you need is love, any kind of love will do.

Heather

[reachingHigher]

Ambiv,

Our minds go places we don't want them to....it's so hard to have perfect discipline!

Looking back, I don't think I did anything unusual to help. I used to lay in bed awake at night....planning an escapade where I could spy on H in public....just to see what he was doing. From time to time he would give me a little info and I would imagine I could hide out incognito and see him. What would he be doing?

Then, as the night wore on, I would think how silly it was, how tired I would be the next day, what would I say to my boys, and would it be worth it?

Of course, the answer was no. And one of the main reasons was, if I s/b found out, it would destroy H's trust in me. I found out later that was a golden thread from him to me...he trusts me implicitly. Imagine if I had destroyed that!

I'm not insinuating you would spy...just saying what I struggled with. I got plenty of FB pics to confirm my fears :-/

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

What helped me, was reading the archives here, and making a plan for myself. I reviewed my notes, plans, DB posts, goals....very often.

And I tried to make positive deposits in my H's and my bank of interactions.
Thus, if we had a bad interaction, it was terrible for me, and we did have a few. But there were more positive ones.

But all throughout 2012, there was the slow and steady tread towards D. He would hint, he would see a lawyer, he said in June 2012, I'm never coming back. which I know you've heard me say.

I really had to accept in my own mind it was over. Then decide what kind of interaction I could be comfortable with him in the "it's over" state. That is when he began to get scared, I think. I was so friendly and accommodating until then. When I began to draw the line, he knew I was serious. Then, also, I didn't have to battle with the "what is he doing?" as much. I knew I didn't want that chasing me the rest of my life.

My H started his MLC several years ago. I believe if I would've tried something like that before, it may have not had this same ending. Who knows.

It's like that song "you've gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em". You know your H best.

Coping with thoughts of OW...that's really hard. I think all you can do is practice thinking about your own stuff. Thinking of you growing and learning. Like Heather said, practice saying you are beautiful. He can't do that right now. It's like you have to be a parent to him, your grown children and yourself right now.

I'm not too much help but I did try to answer honestly.

[BrightFuture]

rH, it is always helpful to read your posts, whether you think you answered the question or not. Did you ever think about filing for D yourself? My H is miles away and we don’t discuss anything anymore. He has not filed, but there is nothing to indicate that he might change his mind. I’ve been friendly through all of this, but recently I don’t want to do it anymore. I just cannot make that last step, I guess.

Ambiv, don’t think about OW too much. You don’t even know for sure what kind of relationship they have yet, right? She might be just one of these women who like to be friends with men without giving it too much thought how his W would like at that. And even if she is an OW, she has to compete with you. This is right, believe it or not. This is just a human nature.

[Ambivalent]

BF,
Well since my husband doesn't wear a ring, women don't know that he's married. Unless he says he's separated. Who knows?

I really don't want to go there in my mind. I do know we have had positive interactions for several months . More so than any negative. And even when he got grumpy the other day, he was acting apologetic, he brought it up.

The part that's difficult is, for him to wine and dine, I need to make more money...then he has more discretionary funds. It is a catch 22.

For our marriage me earning is a priority now. I want it too. But I also know it gives him more money to burn. It would feel like I'm paying for his catting around. It feels awful to be in this position.

I have to just work on me for me. I have worked on and conquered almost everything that HE said were issues.

Earning is the last.

I'm in school so I can earn better pay

I've a part time job

I'm wearing sexier clothes

I'm taking care of myself and have lost a ton of
weight

I have loosened up quite a bit. I even drink
occasionally

I make an effort to step out of my comfort zone

I make an effort to be more outgoing with his
friends

I have done a ton of research on sex, toys,
erotica, positions, how to's ,masturbation,
foreplay, but this cannot be seen now can it?

I'm even wearing thongs!( I used to make fun
of them, dental floss, thread...etc. you get
the pic. )

Things that were really for me, was the weight loss, he wanted the gymn attendance. Learning to swing dance, educating myself, researching and understanding what men want and how to communicate with them better are things for me, but will enhance any relationship I have. As for him wanting to be important or thinking of him. That is a tough one to conquer without looking weak. Ways I've tried to show him with actions on this are:

Getting up and preparing a breakfast and coffee on hunt days

Asking him if he would like this or that

When he's here asking if he would like something to eat or drink

Having a welcoming attitude and smile on my face, even through extreme pain

Made him a dinner when he was out all day running errands and
working from the house

If he makes a suggestion, I allow him to influence me

Listen and make eye contact ( this is one of the most difficult
for me ) Eye contact with anyone interrupts my ability to hear and process what someone is saying. I'm not an auditory processor and I get easily get visually distracted.

Saying " Thank you " This is something I believe should be done always. It show appreciation, I like to hear it. Husbands want
to feel appreciated.




Other than the friends, most of the above things were things I'm happy to change or improve upon. It's been fun!The friends plays into my social anxiety. The drinking does loosen me up, and I'm not getting drunk/inebriated. My youngest and I have actually enjoyed creating our own martinis. It was a fun mother daughter project.

Learning about libido, what kills it, what enhances it FOR ME, was like taking a course! Now I'm er, ready...so to speak, but a bit frustrated ;D I know in due time !

I've become more flexible, but this is something that can always be improved upon.


Tomorrow I'm going to do the checklist I wrote down earlier. Unfortunately , he hasn't read my email with the cable show list he wanted. I'm sure he's "busy". In that email, I inquire about the bank he used for free checking with our daughters and himself.


Reaching H.
There are definitely negatives to having a creative mind! And I am VERY creative! You should just peek into my head and the scenarios that I can create.

This(mlc) just RIPS the esteem and I have to parent myself all over again. Had to do damage control in my twenties from my parents

Lois,.

"I am healing."
"My marriage is healing."
"It's not what I imagine."
"I am beautiful just as I am today."

Thanks everyone...I've come a ways but I'm still a "work in progress"


!

[Whiterose]

We're all a work in progress ambiv.....someone put the "do not enter without steel toed boots and hard hat" on our foreheads


What a great list. Keep up the work!!

[tigerlily78]

I know I haven't been at this as long, so maybe that makes it easier. But once I found a few nuggets that made me KNOW the OW in my case is total damaged goods and had an image in my mind that wasn't "sexy" but rather disgusting I have held on to it for dear life. I don't want to think about her. She is almost less than human to me at this point, why would I waste time thinking about her? She doesn't deserve it. No OW really deserves the energy or time it takes for us to think about them.

Maybe it also helps that in my case I keep having dreams where AFTER OW gets dumped she does something nuts, like shoots my H in a public place. So for me the emotions surrounding her are that she is damaging, monstrous, dangerous, destructive ... not at all alluring except in a really superficial and trite way.

[Ambivalent]

Maybe it also helps that in my case I keep having dreams where AFTER OW gets dumped she does something nuts, like shoots my H in a public place. So for me the emotions surrounding her are that she is damaging, monstrous, dangerous, destructive ... not at all alluring except in a really superficial and trite way.
_________________________

Hahaha!^^^^^^

Thanks Tiger!

Bust on!

[Pudmuddle]

Haha tiger! I have to admit I have those kinds of thoughts too about OW and how she will react the day she gets dumped, lol!

Ambiv, your list is so awesome. I admire how you have really pushed yourself out of your comfort zone. You can tell that you feel amazing.

Heck yes we are all works in progress! This mlc crap pushes us all to be better, we have to remember that as difficult as this is every day.

[Ambivalent]

RH.

How did the divorce proceedings stop? I know your coach told you to not fight it, which was contrary to most situations.

And did you ever ML and then he got up and left to go back to his new place? What did you do to ease that? Or did he stay the night/day...whatever?