GUILT IS IT A GOOD SIGN?

[reachingHigher]

Ambiv,

Our minds go places we don't want them to....it's so hard to have perfect discipline!

Looking back, I don't think I did anything unusual to help. I used to lay in bed awake at night....planning an escapade where I could spy on H in public....just to see what he was doing. From time to time he would give me a little info and I would imagine I could hide out incognito and see him. What would he be doing?

Then, as the night wore on, I would think how silly it was, how tired I would be the next day, what would I say to my boys, and would it be worth it?

Of course, the answer was no. And one of the main reasons was, if I s/b found out, it would destroy H's trust in me. I found out later that was a golden thread from him to me...he trusts me implicitly. Imagine if I had destroyed that!

I'm not insinuating you would spy...just saying what I struggled with. I got plenty of FB pics to confirm my fears :-/

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What helped me, was reading the archives here, and making a plan for myself. I reviewed my notes, plans, DB posts, goals....very often.

And I tried to make positive deposits in my H's and my bank of interactions.
Thus, if we had a bad interaction, it was terrible for me, and we did have a few. But there were more positive ones.

But all throughout 2012, there was the slow and steady tread towards D. He would hint, he would see a lawyer, he said in June 2012, I'm never coming back. which I know you've heard me say.

I really had to accept in my own mind it was over. Then decide what kind of interaction I could be comfortable with him in the "it's over" state. That is when he began to get scared, I think. I was so friendly and accommodating until then. When I began to draw the line, he knew I was serious. Then, also, I didn't have to battle with the "what is he doing?" as much. I knew I didn't want that chasing me the rest of my life.

My H started his MLC several years ago. I believe if I would've tried something like that before, it may have not had this same ending. Who knows.

It's like that song "you've gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em". You know your H best.

Coping with thoughts of OW...that's really hard. I think all you can do is practice thinking about your own stuff. Thinking of you growing and learning. Like Heather said, practice saying you are beautiful. He can't do that right now. It's like you have to be a parent to him, your grown children and yourself right now.

I'm not too much help but I did try to answer honestly.