Thanks for all of your responses. I do appreciate them.
Well, hello Mach! I've been expecting you
You brought up a point about if this talk had happened earlier. Actually, a form of it did happen earlier - it was in January of this year.
He calls me on the way home from work asking if it was okay to go out with his brother - his usually alibi since he has pretty much cut everyone else out.
I was upset when he got home, and a lot came out. It wasn't calculated. I didn't have a script per say, but had some things I'd wanted to say for awhile.
He was defensive, tried turning things around on me, poor eye contact. Of course denied the affair, and was defensive about her as well. Did not admit to any wrongdoing, though did admit that he cared about me and "had some feelings of love" for me.
It was a much different talk.
Still, I can't say that I regret having it. Things had been building up in me for a long time, and I just went through a very stressful holiday season with my pod person.
Was there anything accomplished by that talk? Hard to say. It did make me feel better by getting things off my chest.
Mach (and Breakdown too - hi ) I understand that my H has to prove to me through his consistent actions over a period of time that he means business.
I have chosen to give him the opportunity to do this. I feel like I owe it to the man I married, my children, and myself to do so. I need to know - for ME - that I did everything possible to save my marriage and family. No "what it's?" for me...
Now if this was a "normal" affair, I would expect changes PRONTO.
But there's nothing normal - or speedy - about MLC!
The first few days after were awkward. Things have settled down.
I am giving him some time to put actions to his words. I have a mental deadline in which if I do not see an effort, I will ask him to leave.
As far as I can tell, his efforts thus far have included:
- increase in helping around the home, helping with boys - increase in time spent at home - decrease in texting - sharing who he is texting, showing me texts - sleeping in bed. He has pretty much spent the past two years on the couch. There have been times where he would come up to bed. It seemed as though there was a possible pattern between he and OW not getting along/him coming to bed and he and OW making up/he's back on couch.
He's not exactly cuddly while in bed, but he's not clinging to the end of the bed either - lol!
So while none of these things scream - yes, I want to be married to you!- perhaps these are baby steps for him, all he is able to offer me at the present moment.
Only time will tell on that.
Breakdown - you had asked whether it is EA or PA - it is both IMO. OW is someone who was a good friend of mine. Some friend, huh?
You're right, no healing can begin till he admits to the affair, ends it, and is ready to move forward. But this is certainly on his timetable - or maybe he will never be ready. I think he doesn't want to go near counseling because that would mean talking about the affair. And he's just not willing or able to do that right now.
So....
My plan for now is to keep doing what I'm doing. I've built a life that doesn't really involve him except when it comes to our children and financials. I'm not saying anything else to him about it. I'm giving him some time - and space - to continue to process stuff and hopefully step up and do what he said he would do.
And if he doesn't? I gave him a chance. It will then be time for him to continue his journey living somewhere else without me as a daily participant in his life.
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
