Feel like falling down

[LoisB]

One more thing.

even, after a year, still amazing to me what h is willing to give up- was life with me so bad that he could give up even one day with his kids? I am not perfect, but I know I am pretty good... I know this is h's deal.

It's not about you. Not about the kids. He's not doing this TO you. He is doing this for himself. He is pushing through some very old issues within himself--nothing to do with you. NOTHING. PERIOD.

And, you already are doing it.

[willbwell]

Things I need to hear, I know. Thank you for the reminders. I did not text h last night. Really I am trying to stay in the present. To give the situation over to God. To stay focused on my studies.

My kids will want h here for thanksgiving. I am not going to say anything about it until week of.

I often reread the book, broken heart on hold. It helps. Although, deep down, I expect the same outcome( reconciliation)

You know, we go to these school events and I am so envious of all the intact couples. These couples have been married a long time. All my closest friends have intact marriages. All my siblings.
We have an event again this weekend. I plan on looking killer once again. But, I know I am doing it for my h to see. Oh, granted, I like getting the compliments from others.I will go and have a great time.

Heather, I do the journaling. It helps.I follow along your sit too.

GM, I know I am my life, that h is not. just spent a lot of time with him. It is so hard to let go. I do pretty good with GAL and staying busy. It often hits me either early AM or at dinner time. By the end of the day, I am so tired. I just want to get the kids fed, hw done and d to bed. It is at this time of day that I get sad and resentful. Need to come up with a plan.

Need to get to writing a research paper. Want to have it done by Thanksgiving!

[Whiterose]

I'm glad, for you, that you didn't text him. He's not in a place to say what you needed to hear anyway......it's the chance we take every time we make contact. No expectations - easier said than done.

I didn't invite my H for our thanksgiving.....it was weird not having him there but we did it and it was fun. His loss. That is also the time of day that I find the worst. When we should be doing things together to get them done and be together.

Now, start writing wbw!!! Woot woot.

[willbwell]

Trying to stay in the moment. Have a school fundraising event tonight. h is going too. We sit together with a great group of couple friends. Had a facial yesterday. having my hair and nails done today! Plan on having fun tonight.

Staying busy with school. when the thoughts creep in, I start praying.

Wonder though sometimes if this is just me avoiding reality. keeping me attached...
Have a coach session with Lenny today.
I act as if no big deal around h. we are friendly. I try and touch him- like on the arm, or moving past him when given the opportunity.
I compliment him. I smile. I try and listen better. I try to remember to always say thank you

[willbwell]

Look for the positives. school event last night was a huge success for the school. I did look fab,and had a good time.so why am I feeling a little down this AM?

Can I just try and work thru some feelings/emotions here.

Why do I constantly replay the night and things h says and does over in my head? STOP.

I want to give a little background. I feel like there is something I am trying to uncover and NEED help doing it..

D15 goes to a special needs school. It is a private school that serves kids with cognitive disabilities from ages 8-22. My d has been at the school for 7 years. Every year, the school must come up with a significant amount of money just to cover operating costs. Our big auction is attended by members of the business community that support out school. our tuition is half of the actual operating cost per student, plus 35% of our students are on some form of financial aid/scholarship.so each year, the school has to raise this money.

I am completely and utterly grateful to the generous donors. I know this school for my daughter is a complete blessing.

At the event last night, I clap and cheer. I want to personally thank these donors. It benefits the school-

I think my exhuberance is part of my personality.

I rode with h to the event. H said up front, he wanted to leave early so I went ahead and plan to catch a ride home with friends.

We sit together at the event. We chat and enjoy.

I want to ask h, don't you miss me, but I know better.
Hate having to be guarded and feel the need to watch what I say around h. It is so exhausting. Why can't we just be normal like all our other couple friends. h left the event early. I got a ride home with friends. h told d he is out of town this week.

Yes, I get to Decide whether or not to stand. I take standing because I don't want the alternative.

I don't even know what I am trying to work thru here, or maybe I do but I am finding it too painful. plus d is up and ready for breakfast.
So, I need to get a move on.
get a move on, I guess therein lies the answer...

[Takevowsserious]

Hi Will

First, I wanted to say that I think you did very well last night.

Yes, you wanted to say/ask your H things, but you didn't.

You looked good and had a nice time. That's big - and - that is part of moving on with your life.

I know it's tough not to analyze what he says and does. The thing is - he may very well not understand himself - so it's not likely that you will understand his thinking/reasoning either.

Standing looks different for everyone. What do you think it looks like for you?

We can miss our spouses, care for our spouses, love our spouses, consider a possible future with our spouses, all without them knowing.

Live your life for you and your children. If he ever wakes up, he can try to catch up.

I know it's hard to work through stuff, but well worth it. You can do it

[willbwell]

I wish I knew the answers. I am so very confused even after a year at this.

standing to me?

standing for being compassionate.
standing for treating h with kindness.
standing for making a good environment with h for the sake of our children.
standing because I think h follows the MLC script.

the alternative. none of which I want

D- even though the process has started

the alternative to my thoughts on standing...
I don't want ugliness or tension with h.
Regardless of how all this turns out. we will be forever connected.d15 requires forever care.

in as far as me moving on... I am trying. Perhaps I am just trying to convince myself of it. I do all the right things-GAL, pray, gratitude, AD, exercise.
I could most def use more therapy!
Me moving on... What would I do if h say were dead. I think what I am doing now. grieve, but also stay focused on my children , my studies. and pray.

I want a partner in life to share with. I like companionship. I want someone to love me back, to put me first.
If D is final, then I will date again. I know I have a lot to offer.

Thank you guys for giving me something to think about. How I wish the answers could be so clear cut!

As great as the heart can know sorrow, so too can it know joy-Helen Keller

[BrightFuture]

Willbwell, sorry you feel down. I agree with gabby and T, you are living with the thought that your H is going to wake up any moment now. I get it. I think I still have these thoughts in my head, even though I’m prepared to not ever see him again. This attitude shows up no matter how hard you try to hide it, and your H sees it. It makes him to run further and faster. You don’t want the alternative, the D, but you can accept it. The more you resist the situation, the more it will persist.

Good job on having your best self at the school event though.

Did you have a session with the coach? What kind of advice did she give you, if you don’t mind sharing?

[LoisB]

Willb,

You WILL BE WELL!!! You will. This is a rough patch though--you are in purgatory. Purgatory suckkks big time. Welcome to the area, we have jackets and block parties.

You did awesome!!! You looked great and didn't cross any boundaries with the R talks. So Awesome.

It hurts. It's going to.

What you wrote reminded me of a book I read Love Must Be Tough by Dobson. There's a part that is so compassionate and loving about what us LBS's go through.

We have put ALL our lives and dreams and hopes into this marriage and family. We have dreamed of this since little girls, riding off into the sunset and having the happy ever after.

Now, our entire foundations are rocked. Everything we thought about life and our futures and our deepest relationships is being threatened. The person we are supposed to be the closest to in this world is sharing the most intimate act two people can share--he is sharing it with someone else.

The human instinct is to hang on tighter. It makes sense, right? We must hang on like a baby gorilla for dear life. Only that makes the WAS move away because that's what they are running from right now. They need a "sabbatical" of sorts from this pressure of being part of someone else's foundation. It's too much pressure.

So, we need to release and let them go. For now. And, we have to accept they are gone forever. WE HAVE TO ACCEPT IT AS IF IT'S THE TRUTH. IF WE DON'T, THEY WILL SENSE IT.

Sorta a catch-22. If we don't let them go and accept what that means at the core of our beings, the possibility of reconciliation dies. If we hang on, it definitely dies.

The old marriage is dead. Gone. He is with someone new. He has filed. Hard truth but the truth nonetheless. Now it's your turn to be the hero.

He has let you, your kids, your marriage, himself down--he knows this. You must be the one to rise above it. Be the person you never dreamed you had the power to be. Be that. Everything else will fall into place. With or without him.

But, let him go. One day at a time.

Think about what it was like in the beginning. We had no guarantees when we became couples. We are back to that now. We are two independent individuals living our lives. I need to remember this. He is in his life, I'm in mine.

Much love,

Heather

[willbwell]

session with coach was good. I am glad I had it. we discussed thanksgiving. Do I invite h or not. The kids will want him there. we are amicable. there is no ugly stuff.

However, my dilemma... h has filed. shouldn't I start a new normal?

I will discuss it with s20. this has had the greatest impact on him. will it be weird for him if h comes? when h moved back home last July, s20 went and stayed with friends. I did invite h last year. he came for the meal, then he and boys went to a movie.

my thought today. I still want to be amicable. Perhaps I will just say...plan to eat at 2, if you want to join us. Leave it up to him...
Is this me not letting go?
Is this me being chicken to set a boundary? H has chosen to separate from our family. Sorry, but can't have it both ways.

I will have next session with coach after Thanksgiving.