I spoke in person with H yesterday regarding my feelings after our conversation last Sunday about him wanting the best of both worlds. I had planned on writing him an email or letter, but decided to talk to him in person because he always told me during our M that I took the easy way out by always writing things down and not addressing things in person.
Before I went into everything, I went through all of the positive things to set the ton of the conversation. I told H that I still hope that we can build a new marriage, but knew that he was not there. I told him that I am still willing to give him time and space. I told him that I want to ensure that both of us get plenty of time with the kids. I also told him that I really want to make sure that we can continue to co-parent in a positive way. My DB Coach recommended that I start with this so that H did not think that I was officially ending things and/or trying to punish him.
I told H that I did not share his visions of the future. I told H that I needed some space and time to work on myself and to focus on myself and the kids. I told him that it is hard to do that when he is at our house 7 days a week. I explained how hard it is when I see him laying in our bed. I focused on my feelings and just said that I had been focusing on everyone else for so long that I was not protecting myself.
I also told him that while he is still in a relationship with OW, I cannot be in a relationship with him outside of the kids/logistics. I told him that it hurt for me to say that, but that it hurts being in a one-sided friendship. I told him that I am scared that if I make myself vulnerable trying to be friends with him and he continues his relationship with OW and continues to hurt me with OW, I will get to a place that it will be difficult to co-parent. I told him for the time being, I just cant open up my heart to him when he told me that he cannot protect it and will continue to pursue OW.
I went through my proposed changes to our week. I told him that he could still have a family day (or part of the day) once a week. I told him that during the holidays, it could be more since I know that we already have some stuff scheduled with the kids.
I held it together pretty well, although I had tears in my eyes. I think that for the first time ever, I was just vulnerable. I was not accusatory or angry or anything other than 100% vulnerable with my feelings. This has been a problem in our M.
H listened to everything I said and did not say much in response. He just cried.
I have no idea what is going to happen from here. I am scared. I feel like I have lost a part of myself. H has been my best fried for the past 15 years. But I feel like I needed to do this or H would have continued to think that I am perfectly happen to live in his fantasy. I pray that one day we can have a real friendship and maybe something more.
I figure that we have some time on our side since you have to be separated one year to finalize divorce here (nothing has been filed or discussed). I will use every second of our family time to continue to show my new self. We can maintain some connection. I will use every second alone to continue to grow and work on myself. Although I am scared, I feel like I have better control over my life. I still have hope and will continue to DB.
I will be seeing H today to go to an open house for my son's school. This could be interesting.
