GUILT IS IT A GOOD SIGN?

[Ambivalent]

Whiterose,

The answers ,yes and no. I wanted to prove to myself that I could have a scary conversation without anger, or tears. Confront my fears.

When I mentioned Julie, it bothered me that he could look me straight in the eyes and say he wasn't having sex. The Viagra and pill splitter tell me differently.

The fact that she called twice around eleven and eleven thirty a.m., has me concerned. I don't know her age, and I worry about pregnancy and std's.

With the " Don't believe anything they say and half of what they do." Where does this leave me in understanding or trust?

When he says no he hasn't had sex. I should hear, yes I have had sex? When I hear " I don't want to lead anyone on." I should hear what?

The flirting and responses were nice, and I enjoyed the kiss. I'm glad he'll come for Thanksgiving. Especially for my daughters and yes even his brother.

I'm trying to dig deep and allow him to experiment, it does hurt. I want to be the one with whom he experiments.

He has conscientiously chosen not to.

So now I must focus on getting him the cable show list.

Open a checking acct. and look for another job.

Looking for a job is scary for me. I'm so afraid of biting off more than I can chew.

I have to remember how I felt last night. How I CAN feel good about myself. That I'm learning something new, and I'm meeting new people. That I'm attractive to others , and I have much to offer.

It is amazing how one's self perception can be shaken when going through someone else's mid life experience.

One day at a time, one moment in time

[Ambivalent]

I'm trying to dig deep and allow him to experiment, it does hurt. I want to be the one with whom he experiments.

I want to clarify this, I mean "allow" as in the freedom to do it without fear of me judging, getting angry, or having to look into hurt eyes. No I still find it wrong, for we are married. But I choose not to wield it as a weapon to bludgeon.
I am loving him without condition, and yes I hope he will notice and someday appreciate it.
I just don't expect it Ha! (:o
For looking back , he gave me tons of unconditional love. I would want him to allow me mistakes , and time.

I know he doesn't want to hurt me, he loves me. He is confused and keeping all options open. Almost like us DR'ers.

We are keeping our options open. We are getting on with living, in pain , just like them. We are focusing on what we can do, where we will go, and leaving a door open...a candle burning.

Before I looked at it as, he wants to have fun and keep a back up plan. I was his fail safe. Well we are only IF we want to be. We know we can stop at any moment, when a line has been crossed that we'll terminate, if we so choose.

[makingmagic]

WOW Ambiv... You sure have come a long way... I strive to be more like you!!

Keep on busting on!!!

MM

[Ambivalent]

Zoloft really helps. Ha!

I'm trying SO hard to follow the process. I yell STOP aloud many times too!

I just want to enter this season with a joyful heart and I want our family to enjoy being together. I appreciate them so much more, since all of this has happened .

I want to be a good example, not a bitter LBS, not a whiney wimpy woman...alliteration just LOVE it!

So what's your take on my brave attempt at a conversation, and the flirting.? It was really hard for me, but I stepped out of my comfort zone.

[tigerlily78]

^ I like this post a lot. I want to be there one day. Good for you Ambi. You keep rocking it. I admire your bravery!

[Whiterose]

Zoloft. Hahahaha. I like it!!

If that's what your intents were then you succeeded beautifully! Well done!!

For trust I think we need to REALLY embrace that it is a new relationship and anything that has happened prior is, in essence, a different relationship. We are all new people starting a new relationship........I'm guessing, as I'm no where near to having a H, that if you're unable to accept this then you need to move on on your own.

A job could be really good for you too. New people. Situations. Learning. Interactions.

Keep going my friend.....awesomeness

[reachingHigher]

Hi Ambiv!

I read the last couple pages here of your thread and saw you confronted about Julie.

There are a lot of positives here especially in the kiss and the fact he is still interested in you.

I heard almost exactly the same things from my H about a year and a half ago. I'm not having sex with anyone. I don't want to lead anyone on since I'm still M.

There were lots of little things that made me feel he was lying -- a breakfast bill on our credit card from a fancy Marriott in the city, flowers at his apartment -- 20 red carnations, lots of other little scary "signs".

And then he told me that he was afraid he might have sex in a month or two. Like it would "just happen" and he would let me know when he was ready and it was coming up. Really scary.

Later in 2012, when I withheld affection from him, he said "I don't think either one of us s/b having sex right now,". They are so confused.

So....what I hear from your convo...that I would be careful about....and these are things people posted to me from here....vets...Labug, MrBond, job...is don't try to be his mother. If he is going to C and you say you want him to grow...it's like you own him and are his "manager"? And he doesn't wanna be owned right now.

You can bet Julie doesn't say things like that.

And I would skip the comments about what you're wearing underneath. Men are pretty clever. If you are dressing to attract....or changing your style...let HIM guess what is underneath. Let HIS imagination run wild. Let HIM want to know what's there.

I don't want to sound like a downer, and I think you are doing great with GAL, focusing on you and trying to keep it all together. Just suggesting a little mystery here.

And H & I discussed a lot of financial issues too. So painful.

It's like you hafta see yourself going down several paths at once:

GAL
Letting him go financially
Letting him go emotionally
Being hot physically
Letting him know you're still a safe place to talk to if he needs it

I hope I'm not too far off base....I didn't read everything...just response to the "Julie" talk.

Thinking of you today,
Ask me if there is anything else I can help with or share for you
rH

[reachingHigher]

My goal is to stop talking when someone touches their phone, and see if they notice. I won't try and compete with a phone, nor will I accept the rudeness.

I will either walk away if I can, or just go silent. No nagging, no emotion, just matter of fact.

I actually tried this a couple of weeks ago. H asked me what was wrong after he got home and I was acting a little peeved. I had some complaints about one of our sons. We went in the bedroom and shut the door. I spoke about 3 minutes and then he picked up his phone and started using it. I stopped talking.

After a while he got up to walk away with the phone and said are you done? I said I was b/c he stopped listening and started using the phone.

He said he started using the phone b/c he had tired of what I had to say!

I wasn't able to have the "no emotion, just matter of fact" reaction, that you mentioned, that I would've wished! I asked if he did that to work colleagues or friends and he said sometimes which is probably true!

Its something you have to really let go of, and IMO, only use control over your own time....not judge someone else's. So difficult!

[Ambivalent]

So....what I hear from your convo...that I would be careful about....and these are things people posted to me from here....vets...Labug, MrBond, job...is don't try to be his mother. If he is going to C and you say you want him to grow...it's like you own him and are his "manager"? And he doesn't wanna be owned right now.

I NEVER EVER said this to him, they are my thoughts. He initiated the counseling, and he picked the guy and made all the appointments...yay!
I just hope he is a good one. That part is scary!

Also, I am trying NOT to be seen as a mother figure... The last thing I want to be is someone who oozes that aura! Ha! I'm working towards responsible, sexy, active partner for the next 30+ years!

I understand about the sharing about what's underneath, I shared as part of a homework assignment. For I was Low Desire. I was sharing how it made me feel to wear what I was wearing, not to turn him on.
It was more of a revelation to me, and that it was something I could take charge of . That it was my responsibility , to work on this on my own.
Also a complaint of his was who initiated. Does that help clarify?

I don't want to sound like a downer, and I think you are doing great with GAL, focusing on you and trying to keep it all together. Just suggesting a little mystery here.

Will do!

Thanks for getting back to me, it does help and I appreciate your time.

This is tough; I want to feel better and stronger. I want never to have ugliness between us. We had such a workable marriage.
We both need to share our concerns and learn how to discuss things without taking things personally.

I have to learn to step out of my comfort zone and address my needs and desires, as well as confront my fears.

I need to become an ear to his feelings and support for his fears AND fantasies. I need show acceptance rather than speak it.

Goals to work towards.

One day at a time, one moment in time.

[reachingHigher]

Aww...Ambiv, I shoulda read more of your thread before I spouted off, lol!

Communicating only by typing these words, leaves a lot out!

I didn't realize about the homework...so you're letting him know that you feel sexy and youthful. That's great!

I see, you are addressing his concerns...your low desire, has been heightened by you choosing clothes, activities, dancing, etc. and you're letting him know that's what you are .... and he can share in that when he comes back?

And the C ... I don't like my H's choice of C ... she thought open M would solve our problems, etc. but she did have some tidbits of truth now and then....like she told him that a new R would only be good for six months - 2 years and then the same thing would happen if he didn't fix himself.

Lemme not be too hasty again....I like that you know what to do....the mother thing is so hard to get out of, IMO. My H STILL calls me "Mother" and I despise it and the MC has told me I wanna be called something different, but he can't do it right now. Whatever.

I'm glad you are strong and healthy and moving along.

It's neat we are the same age....love it!

I'm working on showing respect for my H and have really tried to look him in the eye and engage fully present whenever he talks. It's amazing how easy it is to slip into poor habits...or slip back into poor habits!