I've looked at life from both sides now

[Raine]

Okay, so when the bomb is dropped, they consider themselves D. And maybe I can understand that he felt D or that the relationship was over while separated. How then does it give him a pass for everything that happened for the two years up until BD? I also give him limited leeway on the MLC insanity too. Mental as he may be and way, he was very high functioning. He has known right from wrong all along. He knows he was married. He knows what he has done was wrong because he has said and taken action that demonstrates that he knows he has done wrong. And let's not just include me in this, he was messing around with multiple women at the same time. He was not honest or faithful to anyone. He was using, lying, and betraying all parties involved. He knows that is not right, hurting multiple people. And here is the thing: MLC doesn't last forever. If it does, and he is stuck, there is no us anyway. And if he comes out, then he should be human enough to recognize that amends should be made. Do I want to be with someone who now is through the depression fog and can clearly see the damage he has done, chooses not to do anything about it, to justify it, to bury it? No, I don't think so. Sounds like a template for being hurt and disregarded the rest of my life.

Going into C after BD1, he said through the tears that he cannot believe that he has done this to us, to our marriage, that we are there because of him. He has said multiple times since then that he is the problem. When I have apologized for things I have done in the past, he will say that nothing I have done compares to what he has done.

Hiding it is a clear sign that it was wrong and hurtful to me. There is an obvious elephant in the room that makes things uncomfortable in many situations for both him and I. A new relationship cannot start on that foundation for either of us. Yeah, that's right. I know him. I seriously doubt he could have a relationship with me either when we both know there is a set of secrets out there.

This is a new relationship, metaphorically. But the past and history is there. This is not a relationship with some new guy. That would be so easy. Oh my heck, so dang easy. New guy, all on the table easy. New guy would have compassion for what I have gone through. New guy would care.

So what if something pops up that was forgotten? I don't think anything major would be forgotten. No, it would not be a big deal. It is the telling and being forthcoming with the honesty that is important. It's more than just knowing that if I asked, he would tell. I want to be with someone who is going to be honest and tell me things he should without me having to ask.

I really don't feel like this is controlling at all honestly. I have something that I need from anyone I'm in a relationship with. I accept that he may not be able to deliver on that, and that could be more important to him that a relationship with me. That's fine. I can accept that. Either he gets there or he doesn't. I'm not forcing him to get there. He doesn't have to be with me. That's his choice. I accept there are things he needs in a relationship, and he'll have to accept that I have things too. I'm a bit much, I know.

It matters. It matters to me. There is no grounds for trust right now. There is no relationship. How can there be? How can there be a relationship that is built on a lie? It feels fake. It has to hit real at some point. I can't have a relationship with him and have all this stuff off the table with him, yet I'm sharing it with others? So much of me, so much of my relationship with him, not shared with him? No. I don't want that.