Me 13 months on, affair finally confirmed.

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks AnotherStander.

[Cadet]

HWL

Trying on different persona's can be part of the script.
They are like the mouse in the cheeseless tunnel trying every avenue that they can looking for the cheese.
What they dont realize is that they need to look inside themselves to find the answer and running around in the maze is just a waste of time, but it is there journey and you need to let them do it.

[hotwheelsaust]

Cadet, I know my W needs to walk on her own journey and I am letting her do it. Is there something that I have said/written that says otherwise.
A lot of my writings are more questions, rather than complaints now. Sometimes they are also just thoughts.
Or are you simply just advising more about what we both know: that is it is the W's journey and we do have to let them go. Have I just simply misinterpreted your comment?
I know the W is like the mouse now. Just the simple fact that she cannot get all the legal stuff done in a normal time frame, says it all. The sake that she is already wanting to come home, with or without the new OW.
The sake that a comment she made to her friend was: if the family love me they will accept me. Yeah right, family can accept becoming a lesbian, no problems there. But can family accept you have lied to them for over a year, including your own two adult sons. Can family accept that you had an affair while married.
I find it quite ironic that my W had told me over the last 23 years how upset and hurt she was by her father having affairs while still married to her mum (she now has a step dad for the last 30 years). She hated him for doing that to the family. And now the W is doing exactly the same thing.
My emotions are up and down, but not really in a big rollercoaster way. I do get annoyed to what she is doing. I get annoyed at how I was made out to be the bad person in all of this. I get annoyed she lied to everyone about the affair. Even worse I get annoyed when I read the MIL doesn't really care.
But I am not angry or mad. I am accepting my journey and where it takes me.
I am still continuing with my ideals and values that I will not initiate any asset selling and divorce paperwork. I want my W to be held responsible for all of that.
I will continue to hold my head high, and be a better person, be the person who tried to fix his marriage. A person who accepted blame for what he did to the marriage. A person who tried everything possible with what I know to get my marriage back together. It may not have been right, but I tried.
At this stage, I am still for repairing my marriage. Down the track I cannot answer.

[Cadet]

No you said or wrote nothing that I know of that says otherwise.

Dont take my comments for more than what is written.

I would say yes maybe you are misinterpreting what I wrote.

The biggest thing I can say is that this journey is so long it is hard to keep track of the goal.

At this stage, I am still for repairing my marriage. Down the track I cannot answer.

So it is more than likely going to be down the track and that is a pretty hard pill to swallow.
Do whats best for YOU and your family.
The rest will fall into place at another time way down the road.

I can not predict the future but I almost always see the same script in these stories.
Yours is no different.

[hotwheelsaust]

Cadet, I was probably misinterpreting your comment. That's ok to know it wasn't what I wrote. Thanks for your comments.
One thing that I am aiming for is: the best for me and my boys.
The script generally is the same, and mine is no different.
It is just nice to know I am in the same place as everyone else now, rather than this limbo of what the hell is going on.
Knowing she is in an affair (whether with a woman or man) makes it easier to do my journey now.

[hotwheelsaust]

Apologies in advance for my rant, but I am so upset, annoyed and a bit angry today. So I need to put words down.
I cannot get over the fact I and my sons have been lied to for over 1 year. I cannot get over that my wife has been having an affair with this other woman. It peeves me off to think back to way before BD signs were there that they were an item. The texts and phone calls all the family questioned about, 1 month prior to BD while we were on holidays back with the family. The ring being taken off at BD. The "I would feel uncomfortable" when asked if she wanted to do anything for our anniversary one month after BD. The "I don't want you to see me without clothes on anymore" the first day of BD. The bathroom being locked all the time. The being blamed by the wife and family for all this, when it was the wife's affair that was the doing. The thinking that maybe I wasn't as bad as I or everyone thought I was.
The lies she said about the flowers at Valentines. They were from a parent thanking her for her help, yeah right. The being blamed by all the family for my faults that lead to my wife leaving, when it was her choice and affair that made her leave.
The frustration that once the family find out, they will probably just continue on without worrying about what the wife has done to the family. The mother when she found out, simply said, "when are you both (wife and OW) moving back down here".
The anger that my wife for all our married life was so annoyed with her real dad having an affair while married to her mother, that she will not talk with him again. But now she is the one doing exactly the same thing.
The anger that the family told me to stop talking to my adult sons about the situation, and they in turn will probably tell my sons that their mum is a lesbian and in a lovely relationship and all is ok.
The annoyance that I want to call my wife and rant and rave about all of this, but I won't, because I know better. The want to ring up all the family members and say "I told you so", but I won't, because I am better than that. The want to ring up my ex best friend and say "thanks for the support, not", but I won't, I am better than that.
The knowing that I cannot say or do anything about this knowledge of her affair is so hard to handle at times. I want to tell the world, but I cannot.
Thank goodness I have learnt things over the last year, and therefore can come to the conclusion that I will get over this feeling. It is the downhill section of the rollercoaster, and I will survive.
In my mind at the moment, I am still married, will still wear my wedding ring. I will still not initiate anything to do with our separation. I want the wife to be held accountable for all that. I will be the better person.
Sorry again for my rant. Rant over.

[TryingToDo180]

HWA, sorry you're on the downhill of the roller coaster at the mo There's a book I've been reading called you can heal your life by Louise Hay. It talks about how dwelling on the past can really damage your health and what to do about it. It's worth a look if you feel it could help.
If I think back to all the things that my H did before BD, the not being able to touch him without him backing off and saying that his skin is sensitive at the mo, the lies he's told, the sneaking around getting his flat ready before he moved out, etc. I think about these and then move on without thinking too much in depth about them.
I do know how you must feel though and even though you suspected it, it must've still come as a shock to now have it out in the open. Though I suspect that my H is having an affair, if I ever know this to be true then I know that I'll be hurt by this also.
Hope you're on the uphill of the roller coaster soon (((hugs)))

[S4tk]

HWA,

I remember that Michele talks in DR about the feelings you are going through. She validates these feelings, so let me do that too. Everything you are feeling makes "sense." There is betrayal, and lost trust, and lies, and cheating and pain. I'm so sorry about that.

Then Michele goes on to say that one of the secrets of solution-oriented living is that you have the ability to feel one way, and still act another way. She talks about holding a STOP sign up in your mind and telling yourself to stop dwelling on the junk. Not that the junk isn't truth - unfortunately it is. But it isn't helpful.

All of that said, feel free to vent here. I'm sorry for your frustration tonight.

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks as always TTD180 and S4tk. I appreciate the comments. Yes, yesterday just kinda hit hard. Definitely a downhill ride. It just hurt to think about the last 13 months, the effort, the pain of losing so much family and friends. Then seeing it all pan out to be something totally different to what I thought (mostly) was happening.
The good thing about DB over the last year or so, is I can, as you said S4tk, put a Stop sign up and say enough. None of it is helpful in any way.
Just a bad weekend ride. New week and new day. Only 26 days till I am out of here.

[Fartiltre]

HWA.

I am so sorry that you are hurting – it is totally understandable!
Realizing this (suspicions or not) must be a major kick in the b@lls.

I think you are handling it very well.

You have already gotten comments from several people and I agree with most. Especially I agree with you in your “rant”-post. You are better than this! I have followed your threads for a long time and you are WAY better than this. I know you will stay on your path and that you will choose the high road in this.

At the same time I would let this sink in before you talk to your boys if you choose to do so. It seems like your W will make this public anyway so perhaps you should hold your horses a little. You can always have the talk with the boys but you can’t undo it when it is done and officially you don’t know this if I have read your post right. IMO that means you do NOT talk to the boys yet.


The most important comment you have gotten is IMO:

Your sitch didn't change, just your perception of it.

You have gotten a confirmation of something you suspected for a long time. What you have done and have to do shouldn’t change because of this. I understand the need to blow some steam – a lot of it! But when that is done I also know that you know what to do!

F