New to the board, fairly newly LBS from MLC.

[tigerlily78]

If I kick her out, or D, then that gives her the "out", and no responsibility in her mind. She is the victim.

Ahh, that is a good point. Do you mind if I ask what sort of boundaries you've set and that the consequences are? I feel like my sitch is different than a lot I have read because of the OW and him not spending his nights here. He pays the rent and the utilities and groceries, I was not working outside the home before... so I kind of feel like I am over the barrel on boundaries.

The only boundaries I have set right now and that he is aware of is that I am not going to tolerate him texting and calling her in front of me and I don't want to find evidence of their activities in the common areas of the house or the car. So far he is doing decently with that.

Other clear boundary was that I am done having ML with him until he is sleeping at home consistently and has an STD test.

[tigerlily78]

Oh and I made it clear that I do not want her in our home whether I am here or away, that this is MY sanctuary and they can go whore around anywhere else in the world. And that I don't feel it would be appropriate for OW to meet or see our son for at least 6 months, and this is based on the advice of our son's behavioral therapist. So it's not like "because I am mean" ... it is for our son's benefit really and truly. He doesn't know there is an OW yet, just that DAD is having transitional life issues, so it should make perfect sense that she is NOT a part of his life for a long time yet to come.

[T-boned]

Hi Tigerlily. I just got done reading all of your posts and I have to hand it to you - you are doing an amazing job coping in an incredibly difficult, complicated sitch. Waaaaay better than I could....

With all you have on your plate, you are holding together amazingly well. You have every right to set the boundaries you have so far - all you're doing is expecting a certain level of respect that your 'H' OWES you AND your son at this point. It's so weird their brains are so screwed up they can't see what they're doing to those around them.. ARRGGGGHH

To ask him to leave or not . . . personally, I couldn't take him living there - too disrespectful imho, but I don't have your insight, so it comes down to what you feel comfortable with. sorry...

I wish I could say something magical or helpful at the moment, but all I can say is I'm here for you and listen to the vets. They will get you through anything. And give yourself a break when you lose it - it happens, we all do it. Just get back on the horse ASAP.

Good luck with the therapist - another smart move on your part as long as they prove helpful. Don't be afraid to seek a new one if you don't feel a connection with this one.

((hugs)) to you and your son.... the wagons are circling...

[tigerlily78]

Thank you T-boned for your kind words. Is this what "doing well" looks like? I have a hard time convincing myself! Earlier this afternoon I felt like such a failure.

I am pretty optimistic that the therapist will be a good fit. My son saw her a few years ago for anxiety/depression before we transitioned to a therapist with more experience on the Aspergers side of things. I also consulted with my son's current therapist and she recommended her as well. I am more worried about what may happen if H ever finally decides to drag himself to therapy... he will probably pick whichever one will agree he needs to "do what makes him happy." *gag*

[TSquared2]

My boundaries:
-no webcam in MBR
-no PA OM in our house
-no taking sh!t out on kids, USE ME if she must, I'm an adult, I can take it.
-any breach of the above, done.
-"this" has an expiration date

Not much to brag about there I'll admit.

But since MY goal was to have her figure this out, and choose, on her own, I think it has been enough.

Caring, compassionate person...or...doormat...such a blurry line, such a tough choice and mind-set.

[TSquared2]

I will say, that having her in-house, has taught me the true essence of self-control. That I, and only I, control my actions, feelings.

That right there is a lesson worth the pain.

[T-boned]

Yes, you are doing very well given all you have to deal with - your 'H' who is lost in space, and your son with Aspergers. I have a friend whose son also has Aspergers; he's high functioning, but still is a challenge. So you have a lot on your plate, lady...and darn, you are handling it well.

Two weeks ago I spent a week crying (sometimes sobbing) on and off every day over my sitch. I don't have nearly the variables you've got, but it mostly centered around the emotional detachment my H has made from me. It just hurts. But prior to that I had a few good weeks - thought I was doing very well, turning a corner, then BAM, I went over the falls. Yeah, I felt like a failure. The last few days have been better like I'm headed up again. So go easy on yourself.

What LoisB said is true, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Expect to have days where you succeed and days where you don't do so well. Learn from the bad days so you can enjoy success down the road.

BTW, Happy belated Birthday to you. Imagine we're sitting somewhere with glasses of some celebratory beverage, and 'clink!', we just toasted to your birthday. Take care . .

[tigerlily78]

I will say, that having her in-house, has taught me the true essence of self-control. That I, and only I, control my actions, feelings.

That right there is a lesson worth the pain.

I appreciate this. I know it is early, maybe I am expecting too much of myself. Later on the evening of my birthday, my phone fell out of my pocket while I was washing dishes and the nub for the antennae broke right off, then I smelled this awful smell and had trouble tracking it down (bad smells are one of those things that H is overly sensitive about, but he wasn't home at the time)... one of my cats decided to take a diarrhea poop on my son's jacket he wore to a farm field trip a few days ago and had left laying on a bench. And in THAT moment staring at cat poop I just felt like ...FTW, who cares. It is all [censored] and it doesn't matter. That gave me a full on 24 hour zen fest.

I really just need to keep working to get in that place and STAY in that place. I KNOW this. Why does it have to be so darn hard to DO it!?

[tigerlily78]

What LoisB said is true, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Expect to have days where you succeed and days where you don't do so well. Learn from the bad days so you can enjoy success down the road.

BTW, Happy belated Birthday to you. Imagine we're sitting somewhere with glasses of some celebratory beverage, and 'clink!', we just toasted to your birthday. Take care . .

Thanks for the birthday wishes. I am going to work up the energy and fortitude to invite some friends over one of these afternoons or evenings, I just want it to be FUN, not whispered conversations while my son is sitting in the next room.

I know it's a marathon. I also feel like since my H has this list of his resentments based on something I did ONCE or TWICE in 16 years, that everytime I mess up it's just going on that pile of "things he will never get over". Who knows though, his brain is so addled maybe he will forget these blow ups a lot faster than I will. Hopefully the confusion and poor short term memory will work in my favor here.

[T-boned]

Great idea to get together with some friends and have some FUN! Don't be afraid to reach out to them - if they are good friends at all they will listen to all you 'stuff'. And they will make you laugh while you may be crying. Just enjoy the break - you need it, and deserve it. After all, you would do the same for them, right?

Also, be aware of others you may run in to who are going through some tough times (well on this site you can swing a cat and find many!!), but I mean in person . . give them a hug. Even though their problems may not match up to yours it still feels good to think you let them know you care. Boy, am I full of it this morning!!

I hope you have some good days ahead. And you know we're all here!