Divorce Busting Techniques

[melissag]

I guess I am in that dark place at the moment and have to pull myself back. He is cold and distant when we talk and he was the one who called. I don't think I want to talk anymore. I see all these signs that he is making a life without me and it hurts. He went to our favourite winery and I guess by the size of the bill on our bank account bought a case. No big deal except it was on the way to see me and he did not tell me. I could make al sorts of justifications for it but the truth is he is just quietly building a life I am not included in.

We all go to dark places in our minds sometimes. You have two choices. You can just give up and allow yourself to be sucked into that dark place, or you can taker matters into your own hands! As the vets here will tell you, patience is key. Do you see any baby steps? He called you - why? Did he need to? Or did he want to? Regardless of his mood, did you act calm and light hearted? That can make a big difference. If he is cold and distant, and you respond in kind, he is not going to want to call again. Maybe he wants to see what your reaction will be. Maybe he is looking for something positive from you.

Don't focus on the things he is doing to create a new life. You will just drive yourself crazy. My H spent $1500 on bunk beds for our kids for his apartment. I just don't let myself go there. Gotta focus on the things you can control. I am guessing that you are probably making all kinds of erroneous assumptions about his life right now. Don't let yourself think anything you have no evidence for. My H got cable installed, bought furniture, bought a sound system for his apartment, etc. I thought he was just living high on the hog, loving the single life, thought he was so great, didn't give a crap about me. Well, he told me a few days ago that he pretty much just works, goes to the gym, and does a lot of writing about his thoughts. And here I was torturing myself with all kinds of crazy made up stories.

So - maybe your H is loving his life, moving on, not looking back. But you don't know that. So file those thoughts away under "things I am making up in my head," and live only in the reality you know.

This is the hardest part, but you have to focus on YOU YOU YOU!

My goals seem a long way away tonight.
I need to make tomorrow a better day.
MAybe refine the goals, make them more achievable in the light of my new understandings of my H.

That;s the great thing about life - there is always tomorrow. Another chance to have a good day. I think you said you have a DB coach, right? Did he/she help you with your goals? I think it is a little confusing to set realistic goals sometimes.

Yes he is someone who does not express his emotions and he is someone who does things for people.. Acts of Service is his Language I would say.

Does he like to receive acts of service? My H does a lot of acts of service for others, but it is not his LL. He is physical touch and affirmation guy. But he always did acts of service for me - even though that's not my LL either. I guess we really should have read the book!

Have a great time at lunch tomorrow!