New to the board, fairly newly LBS from MLC.

[tigerlily78]

*sigh* Not a good afternoon. He came home anyways for some stupid reason. "To relax and get ready to skate later." I popped into his den to remind him we needed to grocery shop, so I needed the debit card or for him to come with me. He said he was not doing it today, we could go tomorrow. Presumably he will also expect me to get the laundry done and to the laundromat to dry tomorrow. I mentioned this and he just shrugged and kept watching whatever video he was watching on the computer.

I took off with the car for awhile without informing him. I didn't think I really should have to given the circumstances... that is basically what he does 80% of the time. I came home when he called me. I did not tell him where I went. It shouldn't matter to him anyways, should it?

I wanted to go straight from the car to my son's bedroom when I got back, but ran into him in the hallway. I tried to slide past him without making eye contact and he made a move to get in my way and block me. I just pushed past and we bumped shoulders. He asked me "what my problem was." Seriously? And he was wearing cologne, which he either bought for himself but I think OW gave him. I just said, "nice effing cologne." And he tried to say some more nonsense to me and I stomped to the room and yelled a bunch of things I shouldn't have. Like, "I don't know why you even bothered to come home today, you don't want to be here anyways. Pack up your [censored] and go stay with your whore. If that's the life you want, then go live it."

I don't know how much of it he even heard, but I was SO angry. How dare he get in my way when all I am trying to do is give him space and avoid a confrontation. I have times when I feel sane and calm and level, but there is still so much anger under the surface. How do you let it go?

Maybe it would be better if he just packed up and went completely. I know it will make it much more likely he will further marginalize me and our son and that we will probably have difficulty getting the car from him and money when we need it... but I don't know if I can wear a mask strong enough right now to not be angry.

I don't know. Is it worth even having him here part of the time if it is just going to make it hard for me to keep my head together?

Thoughts? I cook for him when he is here and do his laundry, but he mostly comes home to chill out in his den and be alone or to take a shower and get dressed and shaved for work in the morning. Are those luxuries he should even have? One has to think he could just as easily take a shower there and have his clothes there.

Db'ing isn't working when I hold it together for a day and then have an angry rant.