When the bomb is dropped, they consider themselves emotionally, spiritually D, if not legally or physically. THAT is their mental reality. I did quite a few internships getting my psych degree, in institutions. The patients realities, as "out there" as they seem to us on the outside, ARE VALID to them. Their reality IS reality, just like ours is our reality. Reality is a state of mind, subject to filters unique and personal to each individual.
The schizophrenic's reality, for example, is real. I worked very closely with some, absolutely amazing, and challenging to my pre-conceived ideas of reality (aka, programming).
I consider MLC to be mental instability and/or illness. My observations of W, upfront and close, verifies it for me.
She considered herself "done", D, emotionally. That was her reality, she acted within that reality, and that reality is valid, TO HER.
That is why we are told here, over and over, that the old M was indeed over at BD. They are operating within their new reality from "that day forward". And then there is the whole memory issue...
So let's say we D, and I attract a new woman, and we decide on a committed R. Is it right, or fair, or loving, for me to expect her to divulge all her past lovers, escapades, etc? As a condition of continuing the R?
Having said that, past experience has shown that new lovers DO eventually get around to disclosing a lot of that stuff as a natural part of the bonding process. But to require it?
And what if we think we have it all, but something they forgot to tell us pops up years down the road? They forgot, because for any reason, it just didn't register as important enough to actively remember. So do we toss the R out at that point?
Hm.
I do get what you are saying Raine, I "get" control, heck, my living depends on me being a control freak, because what I do is all about controlling environments. I used to want to know EVERYthing W did, timelines, where, etc. I changed, as a result of my understandings up there ^^^. The control freak needs to stay at work, where he is useful. At home, he is NOT useful.
I do see any possible reconciliation as a totally new R. What happened during her "emotional D" from me matters little, NOW. Curious? Yes, somewhat, lol. But a "need". Nope. I had to do some major work to get there, but there I am, for me. You have said Raine that your lines, wants and needs have changed over time, so have mine. If I can help push your lines here or there, make them fuzzier and/or squishier, I will do so. I think you are worth it, I think we all here are worth it. Being challenged to re-examine our selves, that's our journey here.
Amb, the common wisdom of complete transparency is very applicable to garden variety, everyday affairs. I am not sure so much with a full blown WAS/MLC, because of all that up there ^^^^...different oranges in the apple cart. Different psychological motivations, different reality.
That said, GOING FORWARD from stated and shown reconciliation, I reckon that will happen naturally, and in MC.
"How would someone be able to completely trust again?"
-That starts with you trusting you, completely. In all ways. -That starts with you making the CHOICE to begin to trust, to give benefit of the doubt.
If you don't do that ^^^^, they won't be able to EVER earn your trust. Because they will not feel or see results from their attempts to earn it. They will feel the mis-trust, and mis-trust is insidious. That is very discouraging.
A new R requires the old marital vow of "from this day forward...". There's a reason that has survivred the test of time...
Ok, folks, "in my opinion" disclaimer enacted...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
