thanks for notes- it does stress me out - the anticipation is worse than the realization alot of the time.
reading an interesting book- very philosophical about happiness and what the heck it is or brings it. "'
had an interesting quote about the living in the minute thing- i do see that it's all we have. the guy ends p saying whenever he's stressed or "going down that road" he just reminds himself to back up- everything is fine this minute- nothing bad happening.
gonna work harder to remember that. i do not want to even get wrapped back up in the worry thing. it sure does suck the life out of one's day- and doesn't actually do a darn thing. we really only do have the rite now. funny that at this most precarious point in my whole life i should feel more like i just don't care - than ever before. when i should probably worry and care more- i have nothing left much for that. it's interesting to note- who woulda thunk?
anyway- h is being nice- have had a few laughs and pleasant moments that feel like old times. now, if only ow & mlc & everything else were allllllll gone. yeah rite.
no real expectations tho i find, and that's me being honest. it's okay- to feel "neutral". it's better than hostile. it's all i can muster. i'm not all warm and fuzzy about him- wish i felt "attracted". mentally i am not all "in love" with him- and do not desire him. sorry to report-
i don't think i'm gonna be a grudge holder til i die- buti do think allllll the bad bad years (feel more like a million than a few) have left a mark. i'm more needing to "hold back" with him.
jyust cannot make believe i'm allllll "ga ga in love". i think he needs to show me who he is now - really- and i'll see if i love that guy.
he sure is rite (a few years badk he said will neverbe like what we had" - sadly p- he's rite. he f'd that llllll up all by his little ole self.
idk what it can be now-a-days - or if it can be anything at all. we've got "something" tying us- but i'm not so sure anymore what - - i'm waiting to see what's going on here.
