I've spent a lot of time this past week reviewing correspondence and emails from the last two years. I've also been getting documents in order to support my claims. Some of what I've found is chilling, particularly an email from xh where he states that he "will not let me starve and will not hurt me as long as I am reasonable." Our definitions of reasonable as it applies to the D and settlement are completely different. His threats have continued.
It's amazing the amount of documents that I have, including xh's divorce decree from w1. I had never read it until last night and was shocked to see that the D was granted on the grounds of cruel and inhumane treatment. I researched the definition and proof needed in the state where the D was filed and learned that there has to be substantial evidence to use this claim as a basis for D. My heart is still thumping over this discovery. I don't believe the abuse was overt, but more likely an insidious form like I suffered, including gaslighting and the cruel and destructive behavior of a gambling addict.
Through my continued research I've learned that xh's gambling debts are viewed as separate debts and can't be factored into a CP division. I also learned that debts brought into the marriage are separate and that our community estate is entitled to reimbursement of funds used to pay those debts. Neither of my attorneys has asked me about any of this even though I've stated my belief that xh is a compulsive gambler, even in front of the judge during our settlement conference. I have also stated frustration over being liable for those debts.
Newbies, please pay attention. I understand how hard it is when you're dealing with shock and grief over your marriage. I was there. I wish I had taken the time to do some research in the beginning. I had way too much trust and faith in my attorney to protect my interests and take the necessary steps on my behalf. Instead, she racked up huge fees sparring with opposing counsel and accomplishing nothing.
What I do have after this prolonged D is a paper trail showing all the fraud, non-disclosures, abuse, etc. My xh was completely aided by his attorney.
If nothing more I can prove a pattern of behavior that has been detrimental to me and my kids.
I've been reflecting back at who I was at 24 when xh and I met. I was so naive and trusting. I was so happy and was full of excitement over our future plans. I realize the vision was all mine. Xh was already deep in his addiction. Later, the boys and I became a smokescreen that xh hid behind. We were the typical middle class family on the outside, but I was the keeper of xh's big secret.
This has been exhausting, but necessary. I hope my story helps someone here who may be dealing with addiction, abuse and a difficult D process. I understand the despondency that comes with it. It can and will get better when you start taking proactive steps. Please listen to the vets when they say to leave your MLCer to their own journey and focus on you and your kids.
To all of the vets here that have posted to me and others and continue to give of yourself and share your experiences, thank you! I'm so grateful for all of your steadfast advice, prodding, reminders and encouragement.
