Wife says she wants to leave

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I'm really still struggling with feeling like this is my fault. There are so many things that i could have done differently. I think i still feel really guilty about how i made her feel.

Well, yes, there were a lot of things you could have done differently. Hindsight is 20/20 and, as Melissa said, feeling guilty about it won't change it.

I went from being needy and following her around like a puppy dog to pretty much leaving her to herself.

I don't call, or text anymore unless its necessary.

This is going to be a fine line for you to deal with. Your W's biggest complaint is feeling neglected by you. You want to 180 their complaints (the ones you can without being untrue to yourself) yet you can't give her exactly what she is looking for because now she wants her space.

Tough situation. Think about ways that you can 'be there for her' without being there for her. For example, if you are at the store, grab her favorite tea, cookies, gum. Just something little that says, hey I was thinking about you. Don't reach out and hold her in bed when she isn't responding but, as you walk by her lightly touch her back. When you are having a conversation and you laugh about something, reach out and touch her arm. Don't overdo it. You don't have to do any of these things and can think of some on your own. You want things that don't smother her, that don't make her feel pressured but that make her know you are still there.

What I didn't realize was she was waiting for me to change, but didn't complain or nag.

What happened to Groov is common and MWD addresses this in the book where she describes a WAW. The W tries and tries to make things better and finally gives up, then the LBS thinks everything is okay because WAW quit nagging, LBS is then shocked when WAW walks out the door because they thought everything was okay.

CC,
I was your wife. I was lonely, I went to bed alone and my H was always busy doing something else regardless of how many times I asked for more. When I finally gave up, I started going out and once I got out, I had no interest in going home. I felt free for the first time in years. I also had an A during this time.

ccZ28, yes you have to take the power back. People generally look to partner with relative equals. If you are diminished in your relationship with W, it's going to be hard to motivate her to believe she needs to work to return to you. You don't want to be the insurance policy on the shelf.

Accuray is right. You need to show her someone who is moving on and improving himself and his life. You just need to be careful not to be too distant because that is her major complaint in the first place.

I want to talk about tonight. My wife is over at her good "friend's" house. While I obviously hate that she is there, and have said that i don't feel comfortable with her hanging out with him and his friends, we made a bargain. Or at least I thought we did. I asked her to be home by 1AM , but when she called just a few minutes ago, she made it sound like it MIGHT happen, she may be home by 1, she may not. She really knows how to push my buttons. I couldn't help myself. Of course i lost it. and then what does she do? Laughs. I"m glad making me feel like a piece of [censored] is so funny to her. I wonder how funny her daughter would think she is being.

This is completely unacceptable. You do not make a bargain with your wife that she can go to her boyfriends house (yes, he is at least an EA and most likely a PA) if she is home by a certain time.

Where is Sandi2, she'll tell you what to say to W next time this happens. This is what she means by you being too easy. You are so desperate to save your M your W can see it. I am not knocking you or putting you down, we are all desperate to save our M's when we come here, we just don't want to show desperation. Unfortunately, most of us do in the beginning. Your W has her husbands permission to go to OMs house and all he says is "I am not happy about this". You need stronger words but I can't seem to put the right ones together.

When she called, maybe you should have not answered the phone. If you had not answered the phone, she would have wondered what the heck is going on - now she's thinking about you in a different way. Instead, she got to exert her control, you reacted in a way that she expected, and then she laughed at you.

Exactly. Don't answer. When she gets home from being out (anywhere, not just om's), if it is late enough to be in bed, be in bed, pretend you are asleep. Try to really fall asleep. Don't let her see you waiting up for her. If she is out all night and doesn't come home til the next day, don't call or text, be mia with your daughter when she gets home.

As far as going out and doing things, I'm still trying to figure out what i can do. I don't want to just go and sit at the bar by myself. Most of my friends are pretty far away and would be more of an overnight trip than a few hours out. I've been going to the gym, but that's really all i have right now.

Make some new friends. Go out with people from work. Join a running club, a ski club, a my wife can go fly a kite club. Who cares what, get out and meet people. Tell her on Monday that you wont' be home after work on Thursday or Friday (whatever night but give her notice, don't be rude) and you want to be sure she will be there for D and if not, let you know now so you can hire a sitter. When she asks what you are doing say "going out with some friends from the gym". If you don't have anyone to go out with go to a movie alone, sit at a coffee shop and read. She won't know and you need to be mysterious instead of "too easy".

I know how hard this is and how much it s*cks. Stick with the site, follow the advice that makes sense to you and start living YOUR life. Your W is going to be most attracted to a strong, confident man. Throw in some humor when she's around, women like funny men!