scared, confused, hopeful...

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1. His drinking. I never acknowledged it is a disease.

It is definitely a disease. Have you tried Al-anon? Try different groups until you find one (or 2 or 3) that you really like and start going. It should help you a lot in dealing with H's alcoholism. It is the only thing you can do to help that part of your situation because the rest is up to H and you can't control him, which you already know!

Money. He has lost 3 jobs since we have been married. I have at times worked 2 while he wasn't working. I know I wasn't supportive and made him feel bad about not providing enough.

Money was a big issue in my M, too, and I know I made H feel bad about not providing enough. That is probably one of the hardest things for a man because they do feel they should be the breadwinner (or most do) and when they aren't, it can be a blow to them. Having their W put it out over and over makes the problem worse.

While he wasn't working I expected him to do majority of taking care of house and I'm sure I wasn't nice about it.

Not an unreasonable expectation, however, it is all in the presentation. I feel like we are a lot alike

So when he says I don't value him or appreciate him I can see how he thinks that. I must have been a real b***.

So I am mad at him and at the same time I think I put up a wall if protection because he is super mean when he drinks and said a lot of things that fed into my insecurities. ..

We make mistakes and all we can do is learn from them. Have you read Divorce Remedy? If not, be sure you do.

As of today, don't bug or nag H about anything. This doesn't mean you are being a doormat, it is temporary. I don't mean you will go back to nagging at some point, I mean that when things work out, you can address issues in the M. Right now, you can't do that and all you can do is show H a different side of you.

When my H was done with our M, I Db'd my heart out. I did not call or text him about anything unless it was about the kids and couldn't wait until he came home. I was always in a good mood but I did my own thing. I still cooked dinner because we are a family, with children, and if we were living in the same house I didn't want my kids to notice anything was wrong. If your H calls about dinner one night decide what you want and then be sure to thank him for it and tell him how much you appreciate it.

Do NOT initiate ANY R talk, including letting him know that you understand how/why he feels this way, that you are changing, etc. Not a word. Just go about changing, living your life and becoming a spouse he would be a fool to leave.

Do your best to appear content and give him his space. I was always friendly to H but I gave him the impression I accepted his decision to end our M and I was going to make the best of it.

My official BD was 2/14 but it had really happened in early January, it just wasn't verbalized. It took until mid-late May before he began to come around at all. It wasn't until July that he was really willing to start trying to make things better even though we were somewhat back together by the end of May. In September I felt we were truly in piecing.

It takes time. You cannot try to push it, change his mind, move it along faster. It won't work.

I still don't get how he cannot acknowledge his part but that seems to be a common thread among WAS.

I'm not even sure if my H ever acknowledged his part. He acknowledged some of it but not most. To be honest, once we were on the path to reconciliation and I had apologized to him for everything I had done (without any expectations and any justification for my choices) I didn't care about what he had done in the past. He may even have apologized for more than I think but I really don't know because it truly didn't matter. After what I learned from the books and the advice on this site, the only thing that mattered to me was being sure he understood how I felt about what I had done to him and how sorry I really was. My point is that, once you detach and let go, the apology for what led up to all of this, or their taking blame for what they did, isn't always as important as it once was.

Detach..that is the most important thing. You can still be kind and friendly to H, just do your own thing and refuse to let his behaviors get to you. I know it's hard. I would run in my room and pull out my journal and write furiously whenever H did something that annoyed me! I think journaling helped me the most and really allowed me to understand my part as I was writing about my feelings.