Wife says she wants to leave

[melissag]

No. I'm not ok with it at all. I feel like even if i said no you can't go, she would go anyway. She swears up and down that they are just friends, and that their are always other people there. And how naive of me to believe this. I just don't know what the hell to do.

Well, of course you can't say she can't go. If I were you, I would say nothing. Don't ask where she is going, who she is going with, or when she will be home. If she calls you, consider whether you should really answer the phone. She needs to know that you are focusing on YOU and what YOU are doing, not her.

As far as going out and doing things, I'm still trying to figure out what i can do. I don't want to just go and sit at the bar by myself. Most of my friends are pretty far away and would be more of an overnight trip than a few hours out. I've been going to the gym, but that's really all i have right now.

Well, the gym is great. What about other physical activities or hobbies? Take a class, join a club. Do something with your D. Go bowling. Go out to a special dinner with her. Maybe you should go visit some of your friends for an overnight trip. Your W wants space, give it to her. It might be fun for you and a nice break from the stress and tension in your house. Let your W wonder what you are doing, and why you are not sitting around the house pining away over her. When she feels like you are not objecting to her going out with this "friend," maybe it will become less appealing to her to do so.

As far as things being your fault. There is NO point whatsoever in feeling guilty. None. Regret and focusing on the what-ifs, shoulda, couldas, and wouldas are equally useless. Look at your role in this. Figure out the areas in which you could improve yourself, and do it. Go to IC, read books, journal - really work these things out in your head. Don't tell your W about it. Just do it. She will see the changes. If she brings up R talk, then yes, you can tell her that you have really looked at things and you realize that you have contributed to this (and even that you are sorry). Do not take all the blame, but do not place any on her if you are talking to her. (It's OK and probably even important for you to privately look at what she has done that hurts you - but right now she's not interested in hearing about it.) Take your guilt and change it into action. Feeling guilty is passive. Taking the reins and making changes is active and strong. YOU will feel better, and your W will see you in a more positive light.