It's Not Over 'Till It's Over

[Fight4MyWife]

I am a 34 year old male from the UK. My wife is also 34 and we have a 2 year old son. We have been together for 14 years and married for 8 years.

There have been a few issues over the past few years and my wife has expressed dissatisfaction with our relationship on a few occasions, often when hormonal, and I haven't always handled these situations in the best way, or taken them as seriously as I should have.

My wife has also suffered from depression and there has been 2 occasions over our 14 year relationship that she has attempted to take an overdose and ended up in hospital. The second occasion, which was not that long after we were married, she fell down the stairs and fractured her neck and wore a neck brace for 3-4 months.

About 5 years ago I came home form work to a note saying she had left and gone to her parents. She was there for about 2 or 3 weeks before coming back home. The information I got from that was relating to me getting angry and frustrated, and although not directed at her, was having an impact on her. I addressed this issue and managed my anger from that point.

Just over 2 years ago, a few weeks after the birth of our son, I cam home to a note again saying she had left. I rung her and arranged to meet her and persuaded her to come home with me that evening.

I have had issues with anger in the past but have managed this for the past 5 years and there have probably been issues of being controlling on my part too.

I have always struggled to handle my wife at the time of the month when she is very hormonal and/or depressed and have often done or said things to make the situation worse and she has become hysterical at times. Also after the birth of our son she suffered with post natal depression, and again I would often make the situation worse. I would spend a lot of time and energy trying to "talk sense" in to her, being logical and trying to get her to behave differently.

After a period of self discovery I now have the knowledge, tools and information on how to handle these situations better and know what needs to be done to create a more healthy marriage.

About 3 months ago, my wife was about 8 weeks pregnant with our second child, we were arguing more and more about trivial things. Again I didn't take things as seriously as I should and just put it down to my wife being pregnant and hormonal. As usual I was confused by her "irrational" behaviour and would try to make her change and say things that made the situation worse.

One particular argument really escalated and became very heated. I actually prevented her from leaving the house, partly out of fear that in her state of mind she might attempt suicide again, and partly out of desperation to talk to her and calm her down. At times she tried to push past me and hit me I grabbed her wrists and restrained her. I am not proud of what happened on this day and realise that are many better ways I could have dealt with this situation, but it happened and I am truly sorry.

This resulted in her leaving and going to live with her parents with our son and I was actually arrested and cautioned.

She didn't want any contact from me at all and I didn't see my son for 4 weeks after this incident.

A few days after this incident she contacted me to tell me that she had a miscarriage.

At first I was trying to contact her in an attempt to see my son and eventually had to apply to see him in a contact centre. After 4 weeks she came round and decided to let me see him without waiting for the contact centre.

I now see my son for 2 hours on Tuesday and Thursday evenings and overnight Saturday and all day Sunday. I see my wife briefly when picking up/dropping off our son.

I spent a lot of time attempting to contact my wife, apologising, pleading, telling her "I've changed" and generally been desperate and needy.

I believe that through this process I have genuinely changed and am still changing in the necessary ways to create a healthy marriage, but now understand that constantly telling my wife this is not going to achieve anything.

She has always been adamant that "It's over", however she did originally agree to attend marriage counselling. Partly because I had put it in the context of improving communication and creating a better relationship for our sons sake, not necessarily to reconcile.

She attended 2 sessions, but because I tried to talk to her & reason with her after one of the sessions outside she stopped attending. She also sent me an email to say that because I was unable to talk on the phone without trying to discuss our relationship she only wanted contact by email or text message from now on, and relating to important issues only.

Since this point I have done much self growth and have read both Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy as well as various other materials.

I replied to her email apologising for my behaviour, understanding her needs and respecting her decision and have not discussed the relationship and have had only limited contact for over a month now.

I feel I now have the resources to make this marriage successful and am viewing things from a different perspective than I have previously. I am determined to save this marriage.

I see my wife when picking up/dropping off our son and she is always pleasant and friendly with me. I have just focussed on always been positive and happy in her presence, making small talk and reconnecting.

I have been very agreeable in many areas where she would have expected me to resist (180's).

My wife has still showed no signs of change at the moment and I believe she is still determined that it is over.

She said "we need to sort out the finances" and asked if I would attend mediation. I didn't question or discuss it and just agreed saying "Yes, if that is what you want". I have the first mediation assessment next week.

My biggest question and required advice at the moment is "How should I handle the Mediation?"

My thoughts regarding the finances is to just show love and be agreeable whenever possible. If she wants to try to screw me over I will let her and just show care for her needs throughout it all.

However, if the subject of divorce comes up, I am not sure I can just agree to this, although resisting might cause a bigger disconnection.

Any thoughts or advice on how I should best handle the mediation process would be greatly appreciated.

I've got my sleeves rolled up ready, so let's do this, let's save a marriage.

Thanks for reading my post.