Don't know what to think

[T-boned]

Hey NLW, thanks for the support. And I know what you're saying about how they aren't doing this to hurt us. Thing is I'm not sure if he is truly a case of MLC or not. Maybe a hybrid... Certain traits do fit but when we met with our old MC and my H broke down, he referred to what he was going through as a lot of stuff from his childhood,and that I married a 'freak'. He apologized for having led me on this journey of his for such a long time. Is this stuff an MLCer would say? Gosh, I am just as confused as I was 7, 7!!!, months ago when the BD.

I hope the 4 or 5 years he referred to as having been 'checked out' of our marriage prior to the BD counts toward all this!!! Something tells me I may be wrong about that....

NLW, I do have good days, sometimes a good week here and there, but last week things got really bad. I think it was after the grocery store encounter - within a few days of that I had the melt down.

I'll have to look up your thread to get your story - but alas, here it is 11:47PM - happens every time I get on this site, I end up going to bed at midnight. Gotta get more sleep! Look forward to your reply, but I have to go to bed. Thank you again, and you hang in there too! (())

[Cadet]

Well I got good news and bad news.

Good news first - you are OFF moderation!

Bad News the counting usually starts at bo,b drop so best to learn to drop the rope and start living your life
"as if" he is never coming back.

I am not trying to take away HOPE, since we can akways have that.
But the TIME is a GIFT and we must use it wisely

[T-boned]

I have been trying to live 'as if' for the past couple of months. I go out with friends - I have even done a few things on my own lately. I am working on understanding myself - trying to maintain a PMA, and working on not thinking about him or his problems. I don't contact him unless it is about financial things. Is that considered 'dropping the rope?' If not, I may need more information. As we all know it's just difficult to have NC with a person we used to be in contact with almost every day of our lives together.

My biggest issue right now is why he hasn't made any motions toward D if that's what he thinks is the answer.....

I thought about sending his family a Thanksgiving card but don't know if that's appropriate or he would see that as me being intrusive at this stage of the game. He says he wants me to be able to remain friends with his family -I'm sure he has/had visions of me in the future having Thanksgiving dinner with the tribe as a family friend. But my intention is to let them know I'm thinking of them, and more so, I don't want them to forget me. Kind of pathetic when I think about it.

Anyway, I'm leaning toward not sending the card . . .

[Whiterose]

Hi T-boned

Many of the spouses say they want a divorce and then make no move towards one....I think they, at some level, know they're confused and like having someone in their back pocket just in case things don't turn out the way they like. You should meet with a lawyer on your own though. Know your rights and how to protect yourself.

You're not pathetic!!! you're hurting-BIG difference Things our spouses say/do change on a whim and most of the time we can't keep up so my suggestion is to do what is best for you and allow him to do what he needs to.

About sending the card, I wouldn't, but that's me....you need to do what is right for you. I'm sure some of the vets have ideas too.

take care

[T-boned]

Hey Whiterose, thanks for the insight and kind words. I called a couple of lawyers within a couple weeks after the BD, met with a representative from our county's family court, and I've read up on California divorce law. It appears there should be no problems financially - we both want to keep it civil and go through mediation. Basically, I was told there isn't much to do until he actually files - just get all our paperwork/info together and when the time comes,sit down together and agree on how to split things up.

Ya, I think the card idea is not good - the less contact I make with his family the better. If they, however, contact me that's different. So I think I will stay quiet. They know. . .
I notice you got the BD 2 days after me. Going to have to look up your thread to get up-to-date with your sitch. I'm just sorry we're all here, but good to know we have each others backs.

You'll be hearing from me.

You take care, as well.

[Whiterose]

I'm glad you went to see a few.......it's important.

Yes, only a few days apart but my H is moving full steam ahead on our divorce.

There's good people here.....I was blessed to have found them otherwise I don't know what state I'd be in.

Have a great Sunday!!!

[T-boned]

Well, I just got off the phone with H who called to tell me he is going to move forward with the D. Says he doesn't like doing this but needs to do it b/c he can't afford to pay for two places, etc.... Gave me the name of a mediator to contact and see if I was comfortable with her.

I told him I was sorry he felt he needed to go there but I could understand how he may have come to this. But I also mentioned I was sorry we didn't catch this earlier so we could maybe have fixed things. Ok, get ready with the 2x4's - I told him I still feel as though we can work this out but I realize I can't make him feel any different. He said he was sorry - I told him I was sorry too. But I will be alright.

My stomach is still sinking - I haven't cried yet - just feel a bit numb....

[T-boned]

And I didn't sound very upbeat or positive - just quiet and disappointed...

[Whiterose]

I'm so sorry tbone. You'll feel numb for a while........you're going to be ok. Keep working on DBing, for yourself, and take it moment by moment.

We're here for you

[T-boned]

Thanks, WR. You're a gem.

I'm almost relieved because now I do know what to think! For now, this is the reality and I have to live with it. Nothing in life is written in stone, contrary to how I felt about our marriage. It's going to be difficult living without him but I know I will have a good life regardless. I count my blessings every day.

I feel bad for him having to go through this, make these decisions. I know he's not liking it, but he is resolved to do this so I won't stand in his way. I love him too much.