Hi there im a newby who has just foundout today via an unattended phone and facebook what i had suspected but didnt believe to be true. The sitch is that approx 6 weeks ago i was advised that we need to take a break after 18 yrs together and 9 yrs of marriage. I had to go away for 2 weeks on business and used this time to get in touch with the inner me. I had realised that i had pushed away my wife both sexually and emotionally and also that i had not behaved in a positive manner. I had suffered from depression and isolated myself as i didnt think highly of myself at all. Upon my trip i discovered my true self and decided to make changes about myself that i felt i needed to make in order to make things work properly.
I returned with flowers on my knees to advise that i had booked myself into the doctors to get help in the areas i needed to. I was hit with the i want a separation which rocked my world and flipped me upside down. I was advised that the decision was made some time ago but the time to advise just didnt seem right. I asked if mediation was possible and was told no.
I then came to terms with sitch and stated to GAL advising that i would move out and get a rental and pay for half of mortgage. This was met with hostility and angst. During this i have been diagnosed with bipolar which all makes sense now.
I love my wife with all of my heart, we seem to have become closer since this even though i have done most of the talking. I have decided not to move out and we are in separate rooms, i was second guessing myself but working on me as these changes needed to happen. Today i had an overwelming internal message saying to come home and all my answers will be revealed- very strange and i came home to a mobile phone that had private messages with the om and her. This was very confronting, but i understand how this came to be and now i know what i am up against. I thought about confronting the sitch head on but that i believe would only produce negative results so i have decided to keep this info to myself, continue to read and work on me, so that i am happy with myself and she sees the man she fell in love with. She has noticed the changes i am making and recently she did make advances which resulted in husband wife activities even though i was advised thst it was just an itch that needed scratching. I am still willing to work on me and not give up on this relationship. I hope we can work through this and that oneday she will tell me.
It is very difficult knowing what i now know but i also dont want to give her the ammunition to justify the decision. She says she is feeling guilty about not contributing financially and she almost feels guilted in to staying with me. I advised her that whilst more than anything i want to be with her i only want this is she wants to be with me , not because of guilt or financial reasons. Any comments or advise would be greatly appreciated. I am avidly reading DR and still have hope for reconciliation. It is hard to get her to open up and really she doesnt need to. She did get very snippy and jealous when another female showed some interest as ther had heard what was going on but i am uninterested and explained that to her.
Again ill wait for your thoughts Thanks from down under.
Ok well here is an update. Unfortunately i was overcome with emotions so i spoke calmly about the sitch. I was asked to fix a mobile phone and came across the message again. As i was sitting next to her i was very angry so i deleted the message and walked off outside to gather my thoughts. I then asked her if there was anything she would like to tell me, the reply was instantly defensive and what are you talking about. When i advised what i had seen she became angry and upset, accusing me of snooping. The old chestnut of guilt reversal. There has been total denial on her behalf and she has since deleted all facebook friends which has left me feeling pretty low and guilty for trying to work through it. We did discuss some things later today and everything seemed to pan out better as far as communication etc. i am struggling with the trust of her as she is with me. She feels i have snooped around for a while, which is untrue. I want to work on building trust even if it is just friends. I hope that the op is just a bit of excitement on her behalf and that maybe she feels she was almost caught and that it must stop before it begins. This is probably just wishful thinking for an ideal outcome. I am now GAL, making me look good, smell good etc going to the gym and cycling. I love my wife but i feel i need to meet some new people of opposite sex for friendship etc which gives me feelings of guilt but i need to do this so she can see what is really happening without looking at things with starry eyes and excitement. Again any thoughts are greatly appreciated
During this i have been diagnosed with bipolar which all makes sense now.
Both my mother and daughter have this disease.
I have seen both ends of the spectrum concerning it. My mother takes no responsibility for her illness has been on medication for 55 years, divorced my father and even continues to go off of her meds.
My daughter is totally the opposite, takes great care of her illness and her self and is a successful person in her career.
So that being said I can only hope you take after my daughter and take care of yourself moving forward.
I am sorry that your wife has reacted the way she has and I am going to say that is not excusing her behavior.
You can only try to control yourself and move forward from here.
The general theme is to Let her GO and detach and work on yourself. Make yourself into a person that only a fool would leave.
I dont normally post here so I am hoping that others will come by and help you.
Please keep posting and know that you are not alone that there are lots of caring people here.
Hi Cadet I will be taking the route of your daughter and managing the disease. Today is a good day and she has advised she is not sure what she wants. I asked if this was final as to help me move on i need to start meeting other people and she said she needs time to sort through herself. I am unsure whether to bite the bullet and move on or stay in limbo to see what happens
She has noticed the changes i am making and recently she did make advances which resulted in husband wife activities even though i was advised thst it was just an itch that needed scratching.
HH, PLEASE be careful with this, and either abstain from sex with your wife or use a condom if you do. If she is indeed in an affair with another man, there is a chance it has become physical and you need to protect your health.
Sorry to be so blunt, but it bears warning as we've all seen many people on this very forum jeopardize their own health with some bad results.
My advice would be to calmly confront your wife, let her know that "I know all about you and ______, and you need to know that I won't share you with another man or live in an open marriage," and then DROP IT and proceed to GAL. Pursuing her or acting supplicating around her will only annoy her at best, and have her seeing you as week and needy at worst, and that's not attractive.
If you're to have any hope right now you need to first work on re-building ATTRACTION, but to be honest (again), she's probably not going to respond to any of that until she rids herself of OM.
