Wife says she wants to leave

[melissag]

I'm a little confused about your bargain. So you told your W you are OK with her going out with another man, as long as she comes home by 1:00 a.m.?? Are you really OK with that? I sure as hell wouldn't be OK with that.

I would just ignore her. Let her go out. Say nothing. Get a sitter for your D and you go out. She doesn't need to know when or where. I'm not saying that you should go to a strip club, get a lap dance and post it on Facebook, but go do your own thing. Don't sit at home so she can pull your puppet strings. Get a life! When she called, maybe you should have not answered the phone. If you had not answered the phone, she would have wondered what the heck is going on - now she's thinking about you in a different way. Instead, she got to exert her control, you reacted in a way that she expected, and then she laughed at you. Go back and read the passages from Love Must be Tough earlier in your thread. Follow them. You are giving her too much power and you're not going to gain any respect from her that way. I know it is unbelievably difficult sometimes to control emotions, but you CAN do it. Just stuff them down when she is around or on the phone or whatever, and then go let them out when she's not there. I have done all kinds of things - screamed, thrown things (ice on the concrete patio was kind of fun - breakable but who cares!), go for a run, slam a basketball into the ground as hard as I can for an hour (sorry, basketball), cry my eyes out, etc. You don't need to have no emotions, you just need to show her WAY less of your emotions.

If she does not reciprocate when you try to hold her, don't try. That's the same as rejecting you. When you test and check, you need to see a positive response to do something more than once. Negative or neutral, pull back.

Who knows what happened in her head that made her decide no more intimacy with you. It doesn't matter. Respect that, and don't try. Also, WASs say all kinds of things and change their minds all the time. About a week after BD, my H said he didn't want any kind of touching because he felt that he needed to stand on his own, and he didn't want to confuse things. An hour later he initiated sex. I'm not saying your W will do the same, but I am saying that you can't believe everything they say because they are kind of crazy right now.

I can't recall if you have read DR, but if you haven't, you need to do that ASAP. It makes a WHOLE lot of sense. Also, go read Sandi's rules and follow every single one of them. Read them at least once a day, preferably more - until you know them like the back of your hand. This is NOT easy, but you are strong and you can do it!

[melissag]

Forgot to add - accuray was right that you need to take some power back. If you view yourself as a victim, so will she. You cannot sit there and act like a victim, feel sorry for yourself, and ask why me? (We all do it, but you have to stop yourself when you start going down that road.) You need to know that you are good, you are strong, and, once you read DB, you will have a PLAN. Having a plan means you are taking some control over yourself. You have something productive to do rather than passively just letting her walk all over you.

[ccZ28]

I'm a little confused about your bargain. So you told your W you are OK with her going out with another man, as long as she comes home by 1:00 a.m.?? Are you really OK with that? I sure as hell wouldn't be OK with that.

No. I'm not ok with it at all. I feel like even if i said no you can't go, she would go anyway. She swears up and down that they are just friends, and that their are always other people there. And how naive of me to believe this. I just don't know what the hell to do.

I have not read DR Yet. I ordered it off Amazon today and it should be here soon.

As far as going out and doing things, I'm still trying to figure out what i can do. I don't want to just go and sit at the bar by myself. Most of my friends are pretty far away and would be more of an overnight trip than a few hours out. I've been going to the gym, but that's really all i have right now.

[ccZ28]

Forgot to add - accuray was right that you need to take some power back. If you view yourself as a victim, so will she. You cannot sit there and act like a victim, feel sorry for yourself, and ask why me? (We all do it, but you have to stop yourself when you start going down that road.) You need to know that you are good, you are strong, and, once you read DB, you will have a PLAN. Having a plan means you are taking some control over yourself. You have something productive to do rather than passively just letting her walk all over you.

Quite literally this. I feel like she is walking all over me, backing up, doing the two step, and then throwing a ho-down.

I'm really still struggling with feeling like this is my fault. There are so many things that i could have done differently. I think i still feel really guilty about how i made her feel.

[melissag]

No. I'm not ok with it at all. I feel like even if i said no you can't go, she would go anyway. She swears up and down that they are just friends, and that their are always other people there. And how naive of me to believe this. I just don't know what the hell to do.

Well, of course you can't say she can't go. If I were you, I would say nothing. Don't ask where she is going, who she is going with, or when she will be home. If she calls you, consider whether you should really answer the phone. She needs to know that you are focusing on YOU and what YOU are doing, not her.

As far as going out and doing things, I'm still trying to figure out what i can do. I don't want to just go and sit at the bar by myself. Most of my friends are pretty far away and would be more of an overnight trip than a few hours out. I've been going to the gym, but that's really all i have right now.

Well, the gym is great. What about other physical activities or hobbies? Take a class, join a club. Do something with your D. Go bowling. Go out to a special dinner with her. Maybe you should go visit some of your friends for an overnight trip. Your W wants space, give it to her. It might be fun for you and a nice break from the stress and tension in your house. Let your W wonder what you are doing, and why you are not sitting around the house pining away over her. When she feels like you are not objecting to her going out with this "friend," maybe it will become less appealing to her to do so.

As far as things being your fault. There is NO point whatsoever in feeling guilty. None. Regret and focusing on the what-ifs, shoulda, couldas, and wouldas are equally useless. Look at your role in this. Figure out the areas in which you could improve yourself, and do it. Go to IC, read books, journal - really work these things out in your head. Don't tell your W about it. Just do it. She will see the changes. If she brings up R talk, then yes, you can tell her that you have really looked at things and you realize that you have contributed to this (and even that you are sorry). Do not take all the blame, but do not place any on her if you are talking to her. (It's OK and probably even important for you to privately look at what she has done that hurts you - but right now she's not interested in hearing about it.) Take your guilt and change it into action. Feeling guilty is passive. Taking the reins and making changes is active and strong. YOU will feel better, and your W will see you in a more positive light.

[lovethehub]

I'm really still struggling with feeling like this is my fault. There are so many things that i could have done differently. I think i still feel really guilty about how i made her feel.

Well, yes, there were a lot of things you could have done differently. Hindsight is 20/20 and, as Melissa said, feeling guilty about it won't change it.

I went from being needy and following her around like a puppy dog to pretty much leaving her to herself.

I don't call, or text anymore unless its necessary.

This is going to be a fine line for you to deal with. Your W's biggest complaint is feeling neglected by you. You want to 180 their complaints (the ones you can without being untrue to yourself) yet you can't give her exactly what she is looking for because now she wants her space.

Tough situation. Think about ways that you can 'be there for her' without being there for her. For example, if you are at the store, grab her favorite tea, cookies, gum. Just something little that says, hey I was thinking about you. Don't reach out and hold her in bed when she isn't responding but, as you walk by her lightly touch her back. When you are having a conversation and you laugh about something, reach out and touch her arm. Don't overdo it. You don't have to do any of these things and can think of some on your own. You want things that don't smother her, that don't make her feel pressured but that make her know you are still there.

What I didn't realize was she was waiting for me to change, but didn't complain or nag.

What happened to Groov is common and MWD addresses this in the book where she describes a WAW. The W tries and tries to make things better and finally gives up, then the LBS thinks everything is okay because WAW quit nagging, LBS is then shocked when WAW walks out the door because they thought everything was okay.

CC,
I was your wife. I was lonely, I went to bed alone and my H was always busy doing something else regardless of how many times I asked for more. When I finally gave up, I started going out and once I got out, I had no interest in going home. I felt free for the first time in years. I also had an A during this time.

ccZ28, yes you have to take the power back. People generally look to partner with relative equals. If you are diminished in your relationship with W, it's going to be hard to motivate her to believe she needs to work to return to you. You don't want to be the insurance policy on the shelf.

Accuray is right. You need to show her someone who is moving on and improving himself and his life. You just need to be careful not to be too distant because that is her major complaint in the first place.

I want to talk about tonight. My wife is over at her good "friend's" house. While I obviously hate that she is there, and have said that i don't feel comfortable with her hanging out with him and his friends, we made a bargain. Or at least I thought we did. I asked her to be home by 1AM , but when she called just a few minutes ago, she made it sound like it MIGHT happen, she may be home by 1, she may not. She really knows how to push my buttons. I couldn't help myself. Of course i lost it. and then what does she do? Laughs. I"m glad making me feel like a piece of [censored] is so funny to her. I wonder how funny her daughter would think she is being.

This is completely unacceptable. You do not make a bargain with your wife that she can go to her boyfriends house (yes, he is at least an EA and most likely a PA) if she is home by a certain time.

Where is Sandi2, she'll tell you what to say to W next time this happens. This is what she means by you being too easy. You are so desperate to save your M your W can see it. I am not knocking you or putting you down, we are all desperate to save our M's when we come here, we just don't want to show desperation. Unfortunately, most of us do in the beginning. Your W has her husbands permission to go to OMs house and all he says is "I am not happy about this". You need stronger words but I can't seem to put the right ones together.

When she called, maybe you should have not answered the phone. If you had not answered the phone, she would have wondered what the heck is going on - now she's thinking about you in a different way. Instead, she got to exert her control, you reacted in a way that she expected, and then she laughed at you.

Exactly. Don't answer. When she gets home from being out (anywhere, not just om's), if it is late enough to be in bed, be in bed, pretend you are asleep. Try to really fall asleep. Don't let her see you waiting up for her. If she is out all night and doesn't come home til the next day, don't call or text, be mia with your daughter when she gets home.

As far as going out and doing things, I'm still trying to figure out what i can do. I don't want to just go and sit at the bar by myself. Most of my friends are pretty far away and would be more of an overnight trip than a few hours out. I've been going to the gym, but that's really all i have right now.

Make some new friends. Go out with people from work. Join a running club, a ski club, a my wife can go fly a kite club. Who cares what, get out and meet people. Tell her on Monday that you wont' be home after work on Thursday or Friday (whatever night but give her notice, don't be rude) and you want to be sure she will be there for D and if not, let you know now so you can hire a sitter. When she asks what you are doing say "going out with some friends from the gym". If you don't have anyone to go out with go to a movie alone, sit at a coffee shop and read. She won't know and you need to be mysterious instead of "too easy".

I know how hard this is and how much it s*cks. Stick with the site, follow the advice that makes sense to you and start living YOUR life. Your W is going to be most attracted to a strong, confident man. Throw in some humor when she's around, women like funny men!

[ccZ28]

You guys are so great. I really appreciate everything you have said. Even the things that are hard to hear, feel like the best advice and i thank you!.

I wanted to update from last night. W ended up not coming home at all. I didn't text, call or anything. I just went to sleep and she called around 8:30 in the morning and said she was coming home. I said, Ok. and left it at that. We took our daughter out to breakfast and i know that she had plans with a girl friend and her son to go out today, so I made some plans of my own (she didn't know this). However... when i asked what they were planning on doing (and i know i shouldnt have) she said that they were all going to go to OM's house and then go to the museum.

Now i don't know how you all feel about your children being around OM or OW, but this literally flipped a switch in my head. I have been relatively calm and soft spoken through this whole ordeal (RELATIVELY). But this... this set me off. "you are taking our daughter to the OM's house?" are you F'ing kidding me.".

I refused to speak to her rest of the meal.

An interesting thing happened. She Put her hand on me. Tried to console me, called me sweetheart, hunny, and baby. (she hasn't done anything like this in months)

I sat calmly, yet she know i was fuming. We left the restuarant i drove home, threw on some different clothes, gave my daughter a huge kiss and hug right in front of my W and then said, I'm going out.

She asked where, i said "Out". and then she asked if i would be here when she got back, and i said, "I don't Know." and then left.

Since then, she has called, left me a VM (i just wanted to let you know we were on the road, i'm sorry) , she never does this. and she has texted me twice and asked if i'm ok.

I have not responded yet. and i'm not sure if i'm going to.
Is it better to keep silent? or do i say.. I'm fine. Or.. something like... Why do you care?

Anyways, I went to work out, Got my hair cut, went tanning, and i'm about to go shopping and get some new clothes. (Might check out a new tattoo too.)

This is my day.

[ccZ28]

I have to add, that this is a complete 180 for me. I NEVER just up and leave. Even in the biggest of fights, she is usually the one who says "i need to take a drive" .

This is completely new for me.

[Accuray]

Make her wonder, she will manipulate you just enough to get you where she wants you and bungie jump back where she wants to be without you.

You do NOT want to be passive aggressive, you do NOT want to be punishing. You simply want to be unfazed by whatever she does. You want to light your car on fire W? Have fun with that.

At the same time, aggressively defend your boundaries. WRT taking D to OM' s house not good but not much you can do.

You should start a journal of moves like that and her comings and goings in case you get into a custody battle. If you have a journal of the fact that she's unavailable to your daughter 4-5 nights per week that will be a good thing to have.

I would not buy her gifts and I would not test and check. She is actively involved in an affair so your very best move is head the other direction and give lots of space

[planet]

I sat calmly, yet she know i was fuming. We left the restuarant i drove home, threw on some different clothes, gave my daughter a huge kiss and hug right in front of my W and then said, I'm going out.

She asked where, i said "Out". and then she asked if i would be here when she got back, and i said, "I don't Know." and then left.

Since then, she has called, left me a VM (i just wanted to let you know we were on the road, i'm sorry) , she never does this. and she has texted me twice and asked if i'm ok.

I have not responded yet. and i'm not sure if i'm going to.

This is the first phase. I kid you not. I was somewhat experiencing similar situation as yours very early on in my situation.
She's worried about you and that's genuine but don't let that fool you. She's still very much attached to OM. Soon she will not bother about your whereabouts. There will be plenty of untruths hitting you in the face. Be prepared.

The DB way would dictate that you give her plenty of time and space.

I would only agree to that up to certain point. I gave my W plenty of time and space. That allowed her much freedom to do what she wants and now my situation has turned to the worse. Thinking back, I may reconsider doing just that.

You will need to put your foot down whenever necessary especially matters pertaining to your children. Protect yourself first. Prioritize your children.