I've looked at life from both sides now

[Raine]

Thanks team That helped a lot. There are so many facets to mlc that I didn't want to spend a bunch of time going through it. This after all is about me and things I want to work on, not an education of him and where he is out. I do think it's an important aspect of all this though and why I am where I am and why I'm doing what I'm doing.

Counseling was awesome. H drove me there. I was going over some notes I had while he was driving. He thought I was responding to work emails, and I said no, I'm going over my thoughts from this last week, so I can be a bit more organized in what I want to talk about and work on. He seemed very surprised. He said he didn't go into his IC so prepared. Almost like that got him thinking that maybe he should be. Kind of interesting. He was very quiet after that and after picking me up too.

His initiation of physical contact has dropped. We did go to a dinner together this last week, where he opened doors, pulled out my chair, put his hand on my arm, and did other kind of possessive things. There has been multiple moments of him acknowledging that he has done things wrong, but not anything like where he feels he has wronged me or anything like that. More like he is a bad person jokes.

He continues to help out, take care of things, communicate about things. He continues to want me around him, spending time with him. When we went to hang out together with a group, he's got annoyed at the thought of me doing something in a separate group from him. "No, I came here to be with you." He will also move chairs to sit next to me. He has also made a lot of jokes about so-and-so liking me or so-and-so is only hanging out with us because he wants to be around me. The jealousy vibe is huge there from him it seems. And now that I think of it, it kind of was there before all this too, slightly. Much more joking. Where now it seems like he is trying to joke, but there is much more of a "I don't like this" undertone.

He says goodbye, hellos, things like that, but he's been backing off more it seems. There has been a lot more time with us side by side where he doesn't talk at all for long periods of time, like in the car, as if he is in deep thought. I just let it go. It's not uncomfortable for me to be in silence.

I set out to save my marriage. I’ve always wanted to save it. I wanted back what I thought I had. And now? Now I want more. I want more than what I thought we had. I feel like I’ve done the right things, because of where he is now, where I am now, and where we are together. He is showing lots and lots of consistent action. But there is no communication towards working on a relationship or any kind of apology.

I’m not okay with sweeping all of this under the rug. I know too much. I don’t want to be in a relationship where there are secrets. There can’t be secrets that involve me, and cheating on me, involves me. There can’t be secrets that he shares with other people that involves me and our marriage. If I know, then I know, and I can stop thinking about it. I don’t have a timeline for when this needs to come out, and no I don’t want specific details, but yes, for this to work out between him and I, for there to be trust ever again, it has to come out.

He will have to get there. He will have to come clean and be honest about everything. I don't think I can stay in a relationship with him otherwise. There will just be too much lingering. If we can never fully bury the past, I will assume he will always have secrets, these old secrets and he will add new secrets and things he needs to hide from me. It will be proof that his trust and insecurities are too deep to be in the level of relationship that I need. I need to be in it 100%.

I'm not with him out of fear. I want to save this. I've wanted that since the beginning. But I’ve got to save something worth saving. And this right now is not worth saving. We have to close doors and start something new. What this is right now is a holding pattern for me. I don't feel like we're even at the start yet.

If it doesn't work and the bomb drops again, I can handle it. I can give my all to this now and know that I can be hurt by this or anything in the future. No guarantees with anyone ever again, not that there ever was. I just thought there was, because I felt that way. Because I was in it, both feet, full heart. It wasn’t a "want" before. It was a have to be, guaranteed. This destruction of the fantasy will make for a much better relationship. Because there is no "have to be’s" in there. I will never take it for granted again. And because of that, I will take much better care of my new relationship than the old one, because what I do matters.