Rise & Shine - Need Support

[sayitaintso]

H said the following to our son, although he was really talking to me (and my son was not paying attention): "Maybe I should just home school you buddy. It may be the only way for me to see you since mommy only wants to let me see you one day a week."

This kind of comment and talk in front of your kids is completely unacceptable. Please set a boundary with him that you all will not bad mouth each other in front of them.

I could go on for a while on the effects it has but you seem sharp enough to realize this is not in the best interest of their emotional well being.

[3boymom]

S - I totally agree. I completely understand the effect that comments like this could have on their emotional well being and will make sure the establish the boundary so that it does not happen again. I was totally caught off guard by the comment because our conversation at the moment had NOTHING to do with our current situation. It was the first time that H has done that this entire time.

[sayitaintso]

I am in desperate need of advice. Any advice and 2x4s welcome.

1st off- 48 hour rule in effect. And in this circumstance I would take your time much further in deciding what your next steps may be.

For the first time I truly truly understand that H is done. He is gone and feels nothing for me.

As AS said, he felt this way on Sunday and may still. This may be how he feels now. And it will be how he feels until he feels a different way.

He wants time with the kids and family time with kids and me and wants to be single and continue his A. His says that our family time is the only thing he and I have left. Without it we will have nothing. H thinks that if we get divorced, we will still have family nights and he will just tell his new girlfriend or wife that she has to be OK with that.

Are you ok with this?

Are you ok being in a relationship with him while he is in a relationship with another woman?

Were you not aware he was having an affair?

If you knew, then what has really changed?

Is it those few words he said that leads you to believe he is done?

It seems to me that you are looking to your H to find your answers and to dictate what you will do next.

What does 3bm want to do? How do you want to lead your kids through this time?

I would really like you to think about what you think is best for you and your kids.

To completely take your H out of the equation in order to make a decision not to induce a reaction or to prevent a reaction by him but regardless of any reaction.

Nothing needs to be decided today, tomorrow, this week, or this month.

And if you do decide to change up something and it doesn't work for you then you can re-address and look for an alternative solution.

[3boymom]

S - Thank you for taking the time to put together this list of questions. I will try and answer each of them. I have told H that I needed time and I am not about to make a decision based on emotion or fear or to punish my H.

H's position has not really changed. However, after our conversation, I have a huge realization about myself. It was like a switch was flipped and I realized that I had been fooling myself and had not been detaching from H. Although I was getting stronger, I was still acting each day like we would eventually get back together and would base my actions around that. I had expectations, not just hope. It scared me.

I am not ok with H's vision of our future and I am not ok with being in a relationship with him while he is in a relationship with another woman. I have been aware that he is having an affair. When he first moved out and demanded space, I gave it to him. Our interactions were limited to stuff with the kids. He was going to OW for support and his emotional needs. H and I did not talk often and if we did it was limited to just the kids/finances.

It has only been recently that our family time has been increasing. H has been hanging around the house, calling, talking to me about stuff other than the kids. I have known, and H confirmed, that his EA continues. So nothing has really changed with the A, but his interactions and expectations as to the amount of time that we will all spend together has changed. While H wants the best of both worlds (a new life with a spontaneous/risk taking woman and his old life with a responsible, loving, accommodating ex wife and his children), I don't share his vision.

Here is what I know that I want:

I want to stand for my marriage. I want to know that I did everything possible to make myself into a person that only a fool would leave. Maybe H will be that fool, but if I focus on myself than I will be ok no matter what happens.

I want to handle this situation with dignity and grace. I don't want to attack my H, or seek revenge, or punish him for his choices.

No matter what happens, I want my relationship with H to remain amicable. Even if we get D, I want to be able to chat with H at our sons' baseball games. I want to be able to chat at their graduations and weddings. I want to both be invited to meet our grandchildren together. I want an amicable relationship so that our children never have to choice whether to invite myself or H to an event. While I know that it may be difficult if H or myself is with someone else, I hope that we can get to this point. My vision differs from H's vision, in that I don't imagine H coming to our home every week for family dinners, etc. I think that H's vision will be confusing to the kids as well.

I want to have self-respect. I will not respect myself if I allow H's vision to come true. I do not want to have a relationship with H if he is in a relationship with another woman. I will continue to co-parent. I don't want to be his plan b.

I don't want to give H the emotional support that he asks for (sending texts complaining about his day etc.), while he provides emotional support to OW and simply tells me that I am on my own. I don't want to be in a one sided relationship.

Just like H needs some space and time, I need some space to start building a life without H. If he is coming over every day and we are hanging out as a family and interacting as friends all the time, I cannot move forward and grow.

I don't want to completely eliminate our family time, but I do want to eliminate the cake eating in order to restore my self-respect.

I am thinking about proposing the following, with the knowledge that it can change:

H can take kids on Wednesday/Friday nights alone. H can pick up the boys and take then to school M/W/F. If he wants to spent time with them before school, he can pick them up and take them to breakfast. I want to eliminate him coming over early/laying in bed/taking a shower in the house. While I find some comfort that H stills feels like it is his home, I need to start preparing myself that he may never live their again. I need to start making new memories in the house with just the kids. Sunday will be the day that we can have family time. We can agree on the time/activity in advance. I agree with H that family time is good for the kids and provides us with the opportunity to talk. It will eliminate H calling on his way home from work to stop in for dinner if nothing more exciting has come up.

This is tough.

[lovethehub]

I feel stronger internally, but I know that it going to be really tough to set the limitations and dig my heals in because H is not going to like it. I hate to do it because I loved last night, I love being a family. BOO.

I can only speak to my experience but I was the WAW having an A. The PA didn't last that long but I was in an EA with him for several years. I didn't make any real choices until my H became the WAS and I knew he meant it. We were over, our family was over, he was 100% finished. That is when I found DB/DR and this site and got serious about looking at my part in the M. Yes, there is always a risk when you set your boundaries that you are ending the m. If this happens, I truly believe you are just speeding up the process. If the S truly wants the M, they will realize it at this time, or soon after. (They may not tell you right away but they will know.) Do not be afraid of setting your boundaries. You don't want what you have with H right now, you want more. You will either make him realize he does, too, or you will force him to make his final choice.

[3boymom]

Thanks so much LTH. You are right, really don't want what I have with H right now. I want, need and deserve more.

[Pudmuddle]

3, You DO deserve more. You sound like an amazing, strong person to me, so your H is a very mixed up person.<--to put it nicely, lol. I am always so impressed by you and how you handle things.

You will either make him realize he does, too, or you will force him to make his final choice.

^^^^^This is the scary part and you have to be ready for either action. It sounds like you know what you want or are very close to getting there.

[3boymom]

I am still processing what to do with H. He continues to try and do nice things for me. He has been reaching out more via text. I will admit that it is nice, but honestly, I know that his actions are not based on actually wanting to R but out of his fear of losing control over his two worlds.

Last night he sent me a link to a funny video that he thought I would like. I did not see it until this morning. Instead of being appreciative, it made me sick to my stomach because these are the types of conversations that H has with OW. All I could think about was whether H sent the exact same thing to OW. It is like the roles have been reversed and he is with OW and I am the mistress.

I am really looking forward to my DB Coaching Session tomorrow. I cant wait to hear what she thinks.

[3boymom]

I talked to my DB Coach today. As always, she was so helpful and positive. She recommended setting some boundaries. She reminded me that sometimes I may need to change things if it looks like I am going down a cheeseless tunnel. She said that if I keep things the same, then I will be helping keep H's fantasy alive.

Now I just need to get a backbone. It is hard because H is trying like crazy this week to reach out to me. Sharing stuff about work which he has not talked to me about in over a year, inviting me to dinner with his family and the kids (I already had plans so I declined). It feels so genuine, but based on his comments on Sunday, I know that it is probably coming from a place of fear and trying to keep his control.

What did I used to do with my time when life was simple?

[melissag]

3, you could be correct, that your H is just freaking out because he is losing control. Like wanting something you can't have only because you can't have it rather than because you really want it.

But it could also be that he does want it. He just isn't sure about it, or he wants both you and OW.

I guess it doesn't really matter which one is the real situation. Either way, of course you do need to set boundaries. Did your DB coach suggest setting boundaries around contact and family time, or OW?

What did I used to do with my time when life was simple?

I wonder this myself. Then I see the giant pile of mail I haven't even opened. Ugh. It's awful being so consumed with this all the time, isn't it?