When the bomb was first dropped, w and I were still sexually active, even for about a month after. But now it has been close to a month without any type of sexual touching what so-ever. She really doesn't even attempt any affection at all.
She said that until she feels comfortable with our relationship, she just can't be affectionaite or sexual with me.
How does everyone deal with this? I feel like i'm back in college living with roomates again.
Another issue about detaching, is that i feel responsible towards my daughter to be available. It is really hard for me to just up and leave and not let them know where i am going.
Detaching is not leaving... I've seen somewhere on the forums it put something like this:
I like to think of my life having a steering wheel. I let or even put other peoples hands on my steering wheel. They then can control or I react. I imagine myself physically taking off everyones one by one (parents, Childerns, Wifes) The only person who has hands on my steering wheel of life is me.
Sometimes when we keep others hands on our steering wheel. When we crash or when things go wrong we can blame. When we blame we learn nothing. If I am going to have crashes in life then I better learn every little thing I can. This is where the golden nuggets in life are contained and are priceless.
CC, your daughter is connected to you, she will see you detach and become happy as you do the things that make you happy. This will teach her a valuable lesson. You have power in this sitch, you are in control of your life. You react to nothing unless you choose to. I don't know about you but that is D@mn attractive in my book! What woman wouldn't want a confident, sensitive, well founded non reactive man that can stand as a beacon in the storm of life that is beating on everyone and the waves are tossing the world and those in it to and fro and say "Hear I am, I am light, I am unmoving, I am happy, I know who I am."
This is what I am coming to terms with in my sitch with detaching.
We are all creating our story, our legacy. What story do you want your children to tell?
Groov
Me:35 W:33 D:6 S:4 M:13 years BD:W Moves Out with D6 S4 7/25/13 EA: Confirmed 12/12/13 Divorced: 11/7/2014
She said that until she feels comfortable with our relationship, she just can't be affectionaite or sexual with me.
How does everyone deal with this? I feel like i'm back in college living with roomates again.
"I may be able to wait for that, and I may not. I guess we'll have to see how things go."
Are you saying i need to give more vague answers? Right now I feel like I'm an open book. She holds all the power, and probably for the first time in my life i feel small.
I love this. It actually made me laugh out loud, the way you spelled it out. It's a great ambition - now just to put it into action . . .
To the OP - I understand your frustration with respect to the need for more attention, and now the need for space. It' hard to show her the attention you would pay her in the M if she has asked you to not pay attention to her.
I have struggled with this a lot, and I have decided to just figure it out as I go. One thing you can definitely do, is don't be on the computer when she is home. Maybe she will ignore you and pay you no attention, but then she sees that you are available if she wants it.
As for the rest of the stuff, my DB coach keeps telling me, "test and check, test and check." So - do something small to show her affection or attention or whatever it is she wants. See what she does. If she rejects it, pull back. If she seems to like it, try another small gesture.
Quote:
Are you saying i need to give more vague answers? Right now I feel like I'm an open book. She holds all the power, and probably for the first time in my life i feel small.
Yes, sort of. You cannot be an open book. You are correct, if you are an open book, she has all the power. She can't think that she can hold her cards close to the chest and expect to see all of yours. Now, you don't want to purposely be mysterious or try to play the jealousy card, or say, "I'm not telling you!" but if the opportunity arises to be vague, be vague. For example, when my H asked me where I went one night, I said, 'I went to get something to eat." I didn't say where I went or who I went with. If he had asked, I probably would have, but he didn't, so I left it at that. Also, as you already know, it's super important that she doesn't know you about the books you are reading, the forums you are posting on, how hurt you are (unless there is an R talk initiated by her, in which case you can decide whether to show your hurt - but if you do, make sure it is not long and drawn out). Just let her see that you are different to her, and out doing things, and let her wonder a little bit. If she doesn't want to be married to you, she has no business knowing all your business, right? I think that most WASs aren't going to acknowledge that they wonder or care by asking direct questions about how you are feeling or what you are doing, so they just won't ask.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
ccZ28, yes you have to take the power back. People generally look to partner with relative equals. If you are diminished in your relationship with W, it's going to be hard to motivate her to believe she needs to work to return to you. You don't want to be the insurance policy on the shelf. There's a book called "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson that is really directed to cake eating. Here's a quote you might find helpful. When you spouse is cake-eating, he recommends bringing things to a crisis point for the cake-eater:
"The precipitated crisis first, must be accompanied by an entire change of attitude. Instead of begging, pleading, wringing your hands...you as the vulnerable partner must appear strangely calm and assured. The key word is confidence, and it is of maximum importance. Your manner should say, 'I believe in me, I am not afraid. I can cope, regardless of the outcome. I know something I'm not talking about. I've had my day of sorrow, and I'm through crying..."
"Not that you should say these things with words, or course. In fact, the less said about your frame of mind, the better. It's your private business. One of the great errors made by the vulnerable lover when things begin to deteriorate is to talk too much. His secure partner is noncommunicative, evasive, deceptive, and mysterious. She will not sit down and explain her inner feelings to the one who desperately needs that information."
"I'm recommending that you, the one who has sought to hold the marriage together, now choose your words more carefully too. It is as though you and your mate have been involved in a table game with her hiding her cards and you permitting yours to be seen. This has given the independent partner more information than she should have had, especially about the pain you are experiencing. It is time to be more discreet. No more should you reveal your every thought and plan."
"It is important during this time of crisis not to do predictable things. Having lived with you for years, your partner has you analyzed to a tee. She knows what bugs you, what makes you laugh, and what makes you cry. She has memorized all your little 'prerecorded' phrases that sprinkle your conversation. My advice is that you change these tapes. Don't offer suggestions when you would typically do so. Don't be predictable!"
"Your purpose, you see, is to convince this woman that events are swirling out of control and may take her in directions she has not anticipated. The old rules don't apply. And why is this new mystery advantageous? Because one of the reasons your lover has lost interest in the relationship is that the challenge is gone. It's become so monotonous and routine. Hence, you would be wise to turn the whole thing upside down."
Finally:
"An interesting thing happens when this kind of quiet confidence suddenly replaces tears and self-pity. Curiousity infects the aloof party, and she begins to probe for details. For the first time in months, perhaps, she's coming your way. She's saying 'You seem different tonight,' and 'I hope you're beginning to get over our problems'. She's baiting you to find out what's going on inside. It is uncomfortable for her to observe that changes are occurring which she neither controls nor understands. Tell her nothing. She *needs* to wonder."
It goes on to say that despite your partner's stoic appearance, she will be wrestling with feelings of guilt and self-doubt. There is still a tiny spark for you there, and you have to give it space to kick up into a flame versus smothering it and snuffing it out.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
One of the people I was trying to help on this board had an H who was cheating on her. At some point she stopped pursuing him and started to GAL. At one point he called her on her cell phone because he needed something and she was at a party with music and merriment going on in the background. He said "where are you?" and she said "out with friends" and politely ended the conversation. That was the turning point to him coming back home. Time to assign your W to kid duty a few nights a week so you can go out too. If she won't do it, get a baby sitter.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thank you for the great information Acc. I don't have time right now to make the response that i would like to, but i wanted to leave you all with a small tidbit that she shared with me last night.
After counseling we stopped and got a drink. It was a relatively nice outing, and things seemed to stay positive.
but there was one thing she said that stuck with me.
"You are too easy"
which directly corresponds with your first post that had
"Because one of the reasons your lover has lost interest in the relationship is that the challenge is gone."
Do you think i take this and run with it? aka Challenge Accepted. Or is it another, don't believe what she says?
Thanks, (and i will be back with a proper response later)
As for the rest of the stuff, my DB coach keeps telling me, "test and check, test and check." So - do something small to show her affection or attention or whatever it is she wants. See what she does. If she rejects it, pull back. If she seems to like it, try another small gesture.
[quote
Thanks for this Melissag, I have really been trying to cut back on the affection i was originally showing. Sometimes i will get a kiss in the morning, but that seems few and far between. We still sleep in the same bed. I have not tried to initiate anything going on three weeks, I have however been trying to hold her every once in a while. While not responsive, she doesn't push me away either.
I think the wierdest part about the affection thing, is that even after the bomb dropped, we were still relatively intimate for about a month, and then everything just STOPPED. No kisses, no i love you's, no holding hands, nothing. It was the weirdest thing.
I want to talk about tonight. My wife is over at her good "friend's" house. While I obviously hate that she is there, and have said that i don't feel comfortable with her hanging out with him and his friends, we made a bargain. Or at least I thought we did. I asked her to be home by 1AM , but when she called just a few minutes ago, she made it sound like it MIGHT happen, she may be home by 1, she may not. She really knows how to push my buttons. I couldn't help myself. Of course i lost it. and then what does she do? Laughs. I"m glad making me feel like a piece of [censored] is so funny to her. I wonder how funny her daughter would think she is being.
I'm really trying to control my emotions, but i feel like i'm just not there yet. I have not conquered them.
I was having a relatively good day. Was in good spirits. Took my daughter to the pet store, and we looked around at all the animals and just hung around for a while. During this time Jack Johnson's - Better Together song came on. I almost lost it.
I hope everyone is having a better night than I am.
