Need support! Conflicted H

[Accuray]

My hesitation to end the marriage has mostly stemmed from three things:

1) The religion H and I belong to is very against D. There is a bit of a stigma about D people... I thought M was forever, and so in terms of forever I wanted to be very sure there's no way to save it before I let go.

Is being temporarily chastised or stigmatized by intolerant members of your religion worth signing up for 60 years of a one-sided unfulfilling marriage?

One of my best female friends from high school was Catholic. She married a guy in her early 20's who was great while dating but after getting married, started drinking heavily, was dismissive, would humiliate her and verbally abuse her. At one point she couldn't take it anymore and moved home with her parents. Her parents shamed her and criticized her for not being a good Catholic or a good wife, and sent her back to live with her husband. A week later she was in the hospital with a broken arm and two broken ribs from being thrown down the basement stairs. After that she did divorce. Her parents wouldn't speak to her for months. She is now very happily remarried for 12 years and has 3 wonderful kids. Sorry but no sympathy here on the religion thing.

2) H talked me into taking out loans to support lifestyle. As I mentioned, they're all in my name. I want him to take half the debt since he wanted the loans in the first place. However, I know this is my bad, and maybe I will just have to eat it and learn from it as you say.

I'm not saying that, you should engage a lawyer and pursue having him take on half your debt. If you can't afford a lawyer, most cities provide assistance programs where you can get some free legal consultation. Most divorce attorneys also offer a free consult. Obviously you don't want to be taking out loans for "lifestyle" reasons, because you really have no hope of paying them back if you plan to maintain a lifestyle you're supporting with debt unless you suddenly start earning a lot more money, or you adopt a severe austerity program.

3) Even still, I genuinely care about H.

Of course you do! Dig into the "why" on that however. Was he nurturing and supportive? Did he make you feel good about yourself? Reading through your story it looks like it was a constant battle to appease him and you were getting your marital satisfaction from finally wrestling little bits of what you needed from an unyielding source. That's a cancer of "fixers", connecting with emotionally unavailable people and then fighting tooth and nail for scraps. When you get the scraps it feels great because it was such an accomplishment, but that is no way to live, it's a cycle of emotional torment.

There are many reasons you might want H back, but in most situations like yours, #1 is to get the immediate pain to stop, #2 is to feel attractive and worthy again, #3 is to regain security and not have to deal with uncertainty about the future. In that context, it's really not about H at all, you're just seeing him as the vehicle to accomplish 1, 2, and 3. I'm telling you that even if he comes back today, you will not get 1, 2, or 3. Those have to come from the passage of time, and from within you. So if you take those things off the table, you take religion off the table, why do you want him back? Why is he a good life partner for you?

Acc