The Dance

[AJM]

I fully expect her to put on a mask for the holidays. This is what she has been doing around all her friends and such. She will put on the mask and try to exclude me from conversations so that it looks like I'm being the unfriendly a$$hole. This has basically been her MO over the last few months. She has just been erasing me from the family whenever she can.

Yep, you are learning. And you are seeing what is, vs. what "should be". I put that last part in quotes because, well, it's irrelevant. What is, is what matters. How you deal with what is, is what matters even more.

Of course she's trying to paint the picture that you're (literally) out of the picture. It's part of the fantasy and it would be crazy and incongruent if she didn't. I think you need to focus on you despite what others think or do. It's your life, not theirs. The people she's telling it to (her mom)? Really? As if that's somebody to look up to, right?

You have a clue as to the damage to your W. You can't fix it. You can however, be there for her, and you can live your life and be there for your boys. You cannot control her or her feelings.

I'll tell you that all those people she's telling her "story" to? 99% of them know better. Those that do not? They don't because they really do not care. I was in those shoes and felt the same when my ex did similar. I wanted to tell everyone "the truth" as I knew it. I did not, and I'm glad I did not.

In recent years I've run into several of them and they all tell the same story - they didn't believe it and they tried to tell her otherwise, but she wasn't listening. They won't listen until they are ready to hear, and they likely won't listen to you at all. You're the last person she'll listen to. Literally.

I share that because you may get some of those thoughts. What is clear to you, doesn't exist to her. Her feelings and issues are what is real to her. Everything else doesn't matter right now. She needs to deal with whatever she needs to deal with before she can hear anything. It's that critical to her and that strong an emotion for her.

Nice job on the 5k. I've run several and really enjoy them. I also like the mud runs although they can be a little cold

Peace,
AJ

[JFun51]

Thanks AJ.

I've had thoughts that I just want to grab done of these people she's confiding in and tell them the real truth. During one of her rants a while back she even accused me of telling all my friends that she had been a whore. I reassured her that the only people that knew the real truth were me, her, and her boys that she had shared dirty talk and naked pictures with. That hit home for her. She is at least cognizant enough to understand that any of her confidants (friends or mom) would judge her for that.

That was back when I was still telling her how much I loved her. I assured her that no matter what she did to disrespect me, that I loved her too much to destroy her reputation like that. She would do that on her own if it happened at all.

Anyway, that was a while back before people like you, Mach, Truegritter, and others got a hold of me. I know now that those actions are a confused person acting out and they have nothing to do with me. I had an evaluation from a supervisor today in which she noted that I was "different" lately. I just told her I was comfortable in my own skin for the first time in a long time. Felt good and felt true. Also got propositioned by a young blonde coworker. ; ) No thanks on that. Thanks DB crowd!

[uRworthy]

Hey J, I promise you that people know the truth. They see it or will see it with your consistent, positive actions. Trust me on that. And those that dont, not your problem.

As long as you know the truth, that is what matters.

Feels good, doesnt it, to be comfortable in your own skin?

Good on you, J.

[tadpole1025]

I don't really have much to add except:

Listen to uR and AJ.

Two very smart cookies.



Tad

[indigo1]

Nice to see you are doing well JF. Keep doing what you are doing and hopefully she will come out of the fog and see the man you are becoming. She will take notice eventually. One of my biggest saving graces has been my W's best friend. The new me has been happy and outgoing when in her presence where in the past I would just sit there and not talk. W has commented several times on how her friend has noticed me acting like a new man and that maybe my changes are for real. This has done nothing but help my situation so far. So just continue to be the new you and good things can come of it! Good luck.

[AJM]

J, I'm sorry to say I've been where you are. I'm happy to say you're a faster learner than I.

People are naturally attracted to things that shine - we're like ravens in that regard I guess They are attracted both to the light because it's attractive and to the light so they can throw rocks. Either way, they are attracted.

I mention this because you want to be aware. With what you are going through, there will be... temptations, just like she was tempted. People can sense what you're about and they'll notice the sadness and the peace and the rest of it. Some will take advantage of that. It's just how things are.

I highly suggest you remain on your guard for it and stay away from it. Remember this is about you and your life and how you live it. Staying away from those temptations is about you and your integrity and your commitments.

Stay well!

AJ

[JFun51]

AJ,

No problems in the temptation category at this point. I am way too grounded right now to do anything to screw up the good thing I've got going. I just feel better about myself in general right now. When W blew up Tuesday night and fired at me with all the guns she had available, I was able to stay calm and listen to her. I would never have been able to do it 2 months ago. If nothing else, I think it proved to me that my changes and attitude are for real.

Even as you are altering your PMA and GALing, you are telling yourself that you are doing these things for you. You try to detach and say that their actions do not dictate your actions and feelings. I really felt like the reality of my changes and my own DBing was tested this week and I survived. That has really given me a boost of energy and resolve.

Really fired up today. Had 2 different visitors at work today for me to talk to and use my communication skills with. I genuinely like listening to people. When you look at people face to face and show interest in them, they perk up and really talk with you.

I'm also incredibly excited to run my first 5k in the morning. Last year at this same race, W ran with the boys as I stood around drinking hot chocolate with other parents and taking pictures. To say that the last year has really changed my life is an incredible understatement.

[AJM]

Run like the wind, sea-biscuit. Run like the wind

Oh, and get lots of swag. Always fun to get the swag.

AJ

[JFun51]

Sheesh. Checking finances again. Found out the 5 k we are all running in the morning almost didn't happen. We've been planning on running in this race for months and W just registered all 4 if us this past week. That meant a $10 late fee on every one. $40 pi$$ed away because she was too irresponsible to sign us up on time. I know, I know, I should have handled it myself and not assumed she would do it in her current MLC fog. The darn registration was supposed to go through her school, as each school in the county puts together their "team" if students and parents to run.

Oh well. Still gonna run like the wind in the morning. Gotta get some sleep.

[uRworthy]

Good luck tomorrow, J. Listen, you just gotta let that go, right? I know its hard and it succks. Been freakin there, done that. But, you cant do anything about it now.

Have a blast!