The Mothership. Isn't that the truth. And they are so convincing!
Life has been busy as usual, but in the back of my head I can't help but think of his last text. Wanted to see if the absence of dialogue could be moved in the other direction. What does that mean? And then I remember not to hurt my head trying to figure it out.
I am finding it hard to know what to do because I don't know what I want.
In the very beginning, I wanted to save this relationship. I could not understand the people who didn't and I sure could not relate to the vets who insisted (and were right) that I would survive and would feel differently as time went on.
Now, it isn't simply the time that has passed. It is all that has passed between us. I know more or less the truth now - there was an OW for much longer than he ever admitted to and she was not the first he tried, the complete abandonment when my parent was dying and the way he turned his back on my pain (and the panic attacks). I am working on forgiveness but to invite that back into my life?
I don't know.
Did anyone else find that the cheating wasn't the worst part? I feel worse about the abandonment at a time when I could truly have used a friend.
And is it also strange that part of the reason I have agreed to talk to him is because I don't want to hurt HIS feelings? I mean, get real. He sure did not have any consideration for me.
Now that he is back in touch, it is different this time around. I am truly starting from the beginning but with some preconceived notions with regard to his true character.
So far he has respected my last text that I needed some time. After his reply, there has been radio silence. I am truly grateful for that.
I never expected him to call. Maybe it is because his birthday is coming up and the holidays are approaching. Whatever the reason, here I am. How awkward is that first conversation going to be? And how do I keep from screaming what is the point of this? I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
