She does know he's married, obviously. But does not know he's still telling me he's confused, isn't sure about divorce, put the divorce on hold, is going to therapy, etc...
As far as she knows he left me for her and never looked back. She is extremely insecure though. She won't even allow him to say my name.
I'm certain one text/ call or email from me would send her packing but I'm not going to do it. He made this mess, he can clean it up. He says he'll end it with her. We'll see.
He told me yesterday he's "very confident" in his ability to do it, whatever that means.
Sounds like he's trying to convince himself it's true!
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I'm not sure why he needs so much time. Would anyone with more experience like to make a guess there?
If they're in love and OW doesn't know he's second-guessing, then he may just not want to wreck her holidays. There's nothing like losing your SO to really put a damper on Christmas! Of course there's also the irony that Christmas is about celebrating Christ's birth, and doing so with one's affair partner seems maybe a tad bit inappropriate, but I digress, LOL!
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I'm certain one text/ call or email from me would send her packing but I'm not going to do it. He made this mess, he can clean it up.
You are absolutely right. It's a big step that HE has to take, it is an important part of his journey.
Ha! It probably is something simple like not wanting to ruin her holidays or they have a non-refundable trip booked.
But what about ruining his wife and kids' holidays, you know?
He does say they exchange "I love yous" and "a part of him does love her" so I know he's probably feeling some guilt over bringing her into this, hurting her, etc...
And I do get that.
But I also know with 1000000% certainty she KNEW he was married and she had to realize this was a real possibility. Obviously she does, that's why she's still so insecure about him talking to me, etc...
I hope you have made it clear to your H that while you are interested in reconciling, you are not going to take any further steps until he ends his A.
It doesn't seem to me that he should need 6 weeks to end it if he is ready to end it. If they were married, and he was leaving his family, I would understand waiting til after the holidays. With his mistress, to return to his wife? That shouldn't be the case.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
I don't really get needing a month either. It's pretty painful for me, actually.
I'd love more input on that.
My therapist says it's crazy but she also understands I haven't come this far to throw in the towel over a month. That as long as I hold strong on the month and don't keep giving him, "a few more days" it is OK.
His therapist says of course he is having trouble ending it, he's human, he has emotionally invested in her for a year. But he still needs to rip off the band aid and do it.
That said, the clock is ticking and he hasn't done it yet. and seeing how much trouble he's having makes me wonder if when and if he does do it he's just going to be miserable and missing her for the next year. Or if he really wants to stay married. He now says he does but he doesn't seem too excited about it since he's still with her.
He will miss her at first, hopefully he will do a fairly good job at hiding it. It was very hard for me and I had days where I just cried and cried (when H wasn't around) but even though I was sad and it was hard to let go, I wanted to and wanted to be with my H. Therefore, even when he has bad days, don't take it as a sign that he doesn't want you or the M.
I admire you for standing strong and hope you have a strong m at the end of all of this.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
I wish I had a better update. He is still with the other woman. This situation makes no sense. He is adamant (with words) that he loves me and wants to work on this marriage. He talks about a future for us. All of this is new in the last couple of months. There has been no mention of love or future since BD in March.
But he hasn't dumped OW. It's all starting to seem like a bad joke and I feel like I got roped back in only to be hurt again.
I don't know if I should proceed with the divorce (not what I want), go no contact or what.
You mentioned a couple of posts above that there was a deadline of a month for him, and that your IC had advised you to stick firmly to that. If he took his month and hasn't been able to do what he agreed to, whatever that was specifically, then you should stick to what your side of the agreement was.
You have been his backup plan. What does it look like for you to be his backup plan? Are you waiting for him, not doing things you want to do, not making plans just in case things change with him?
Not waiting for him doesn't have to look like you filing and completing a divorce you don't want. You don't have to do that.
But you do need to move forward, start living your life as if he is not coming back, start making plans for you. Take H as he comes, how he is in that moment, and not as you think if only or he might be at some point in the future. What you see is what you've got, and deal with that reality now.
If you're like me, after enough time goes by, you may want to go ahead and finish the divorce. You may never want that.
Give it some time, but don't be WAITING, be LIVING. And when you want a divorce, go forward with it, but not until then. You don't need to hurry.
Think about what moving forward would look like for you. For me, it was planning myself little vacations and asking H to take responsibility for the kids, so I could get some respite sometimes. It was no longer asking him about himself or offering info about myself. It was a long process of beginning to think about how I was going to manage financially and what my short and long range plans were independent of him. It was definitely about me making new friends and starting new hobbies that had nothing to do with him, and creating an interesting and fulfilling life independent of him. For, me, it does not look like creating a match.com account or considering dating. I'm not waiting for H, but I have other priorities now and I don't think our divorce will be complete for at least 6 months or a year more, so it's not something I'm thinking about.
You don't need to take action to show your H anything, but you do need to take care of yourself and honor your boundaries. Don't stand there and wait as his backup plan.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
and seeing how much trouble he's having makes me wonder if when and if he does do it he's just going to be miserable and missing her for the next year. Or if he really wants to stay married. He now says he does but he doesn't seem too excited about it since he's still with her.