Well, I've been replying to your posts but in the wrong format , so they didn't show up! But I think I've figured it out this time.
First, I'm overwhelmed by the kindness of each of you to take the time to reach out to me. Of course, I'm overwhelmed in general.
My DR book comes Monday. I have read and applied the rules of the 180 as listed here. As best I can given the panic I am in. I have to say that doing so made me feel much better , more in control, just to have a process to follow and focus on. I backslid with tears last night. But I'm back on track.
It's hard to post details. I want to be completely honest and also not judged badly. Actually, I'm fine with criticism , but I want to focus on right now.
My life and my marriage are as complicated as anyone's . We married at 40, 8 years ago. His first, my second. I have a daughter, her dad is not reliable.
I was a struggling single mom when we met. We married quickly. He was successful and treated me and my daughter beautifully. I found out he was cheating on me repeatedly during our first year. First month and after. It broke me. I knew he loved me. Anyway, I stayed. It continued on and off for 4 years. During that time, I said screw it and did not participate financially in the marriage. My name was on none of our assets, I didn't feel he was committed to me. But really, I failed myself and my daughter. I didn't look for a better job, I stayed with a job I dislike. I disrespected my own future. Stupid. Each time I caught him cheating, he would blame it on my financial betrayal of him. I understood there was validity there, but...I did nothing.
I think he changed, I think he stopped cheating . But I don't know. I am untrusting of my own judgement. The past few days, since the panic , I feel like I'm coming out of a fog. This isn't who I am. His career demands that I be involved and supportive and by his side. I've done that , but neglected my self. I don't know who I am.
I'm scared as hell. He has the professional skills to hide his money and assets and has. He is attempting to negotiate with me financially, which I just don't have the capacity to do. But listen! I'm not a victim here. I've done this to myself. However it started, my reaction to the problem made it worse.
I'm rambling. I need a trifecta. I can do this. It's just too fast. I need to at least slow this down.
