On the brink...

[Wonka]

What you focus on magnifies. Would you rather focus on the Ex-OM or reconnecting with W in a new R?

[hotwheelsaust]

JonF, after what I found out about my W in the last couple of days, I do get the OW being more down the ladder. My OW my W is with is a very unattractive lady, a very lesbian looking person (apologies) who dresses very butch.

[tigerlily78]

Congrats and Good Luck JonF. It is inspires so much hope to read stories like yours.

I would say in my case my H pretty much latched on to the first OW who paid him some attention... might be the same for the OM here. My H is pretty shy and the OW initiated/pursued so that made it easy for him. She is pretty attractive, but has obvious psychological issues/circumstances that would have given any *sane* person quite a pause, but they are both emotionally damaged and looking to escape reality, so in that sense she is the "perfect" fit. Knowing her issues my H said they had both agreed to "take it slow"... but that lasted for all of about 3 days. I think it's not so much about the person, just that they are different and available and so not you.

[lovethehub]

I need some advice: if W would let herself sink that low, and all of a sudden have a wake-up call, and now be so unbelievably committed to me, can she even know what love is?

Put the shoe on the other foot. How many times were you "done" with your W? Didn't you go on a date? Didn't you tell her she was a wh8re, a b!tch, etc? Those are things that most people who are in love and committed to each other don't do to each other. Angry or not, calling your W a wh8re could be considered sinking pretty low. So I guess she could ask the same question of you if she took the time to think about it.

When people are hurting to the point it becomes unbearable, they make poor choices and do things they normally wouldn't do. This is how most people end up in an A, their M is causing unendurable pain for whatever reason. The A is not the problem and is not what needs to be addressed. Yes, your W needs to prove herself to you and help you rebuild your trust. For the long term success of your M, you need to figure out what the issues were that led to the A and work on those together, changing what didn't work.

[JayMan]

I was "done" with the back-and-forth and the "I love you" one minute, and the "here's my restraining order" the next.

I never called her a wh8re or a b1tch, because I don't think she is. And I NEVER considered looking at another woman, even though I was pursued by many - who were younger and good-looking.

An A to me reveals a deeply rooted issue of immorality and stupidity, and, at least in my W's case, reveals a person so shallow they would be with someone that is nasty just to try to feel better. Not much up the ladder from a meth addict.

Which is why I struggle with the issue that she is SO committed to me? Is she? Or is she just looking to be with a guy who will be "nice" to her?

[S4tk]

JonF,

I hear your confusion and struggle and I would probably be in a similar place emotionally. I think what you are going through (your thoughts and feelings right now) is probably very normal.

The problem is that it can bring you back to the same place that got you here... going something like this on a sub-conscious level:

W is possibly flawed in some major way, therefore...
W is probably more flawed than I am, therefore...
When we have issues, I am probably going to have to take that into consideration, therefore...
MORE OF THE SAME, as DR would put it.

Just a warning. You will probably figure out a more healthy alternative to processing those feelings.

[lovethehub]

I woke up at 4:30 praying, and don't plan to stop, and I already know things are different because I would've been calling her up about what a whore she was, and right now, I just feel sad that she got so lost. None of this will impact my desire to continue to change and better myself, even if I never see W again.

@Wonka - when she chooses to spread her legs, sorry, a PA is my deal breaker. I wish her ALL the best, sincerely.

I did respond rashly and emotionally yesterday. If this was a year ago, I would've spit in W's face, called her a whore, and never spoken to her again.

You may not have verbalized it to her this time but it sounds like you have in the past and you have at least thought it many times. I must have been confusing the date with another thread, sorry.

My point was not that you are a bad person or that she shouldn't trust you, it was that there are times we do things we normally wouldn't do. W's ability to have an A came from how hurt she was in the M and her mistaken belief that it would solve her problems and take her pain away. My A had nothing to do with my H, by then I was so lonely and felt so unloved, it was all about me. Having an A does not mean that your w doesn't know what love is and cannot be committed to you. It means that your M was dead, she was lost and she didn't know any other way to save herself at that point.

You have to decide if you are willing to take the chance and, if you are, you need to be as committed to that as your W is to rebuilding your M. Don't forget that your W is also taking a chance that she will be going back to the same pain she was in before her A. She is placing her faith in the fact that you have changed enough to have a different M, you need to place your faith in the fact that she has learned enough from this experience to change her behaviors too.

[jp787]

Jon,
Just my thoughts, take em or not.

I can understand becoming defensive when someone points out something that I don’t like about myself, I have and still fight with it. My suggestion would be after reading or hearing something that strikes you that way, to take a moment and breathe and then re-read or listen to what was said as if they were talking about someone else, take the personal out of it. Then you have a better chance of seeing the real message. LTH has amazing insight and I try to listen to everything she says alone with several others, no one is dead on right or has all the answers, but they care and can see a lot. This is at least what I figured out for myself.

Food for thought… Would you rather have your W be in an A with someone she really cared about emotionally? Think about it

[NTX_Dad]

I think the LBS initially doesn't realize the pain the WAS was feeling in the M. The pain they feel (real or not) is excruciating... so much so that they took a huge gamble to throw it all way and make a drastic move of leaving. I'm not saying that LBS is always right and the WAS is wrong, both contribute to the failure of a marriage. Usually the LBS is stunned and clueless that the WAS felt bad enough to leave so they want to blame it on some type of mental illness. And it's that exact complacency of the LBS that probably contributed to the failure of the marriage.

Sorry, Jon, I don't mean to hijack your thread. Just wanted to thank NTXD for this piece of wisdom - it's something I need to keep reminding myself of whenever I feel angry and hurt about how he seemingly has this grand life now while I struggle at home alone. I was definitely complacent and thought when he would complain about things that he was just being dramatic. Maybe to me, it was dramatic (as in I wouldn't have been so upset about things), but to HIM it wasn't. I didn't do a good job of validating or understanding his feelings in our M. Gotta do that now.

Melissa - no problem, I am glad I can share and help.

It was a painful but amazing journey for me. Now that I survived and have made it to the other side, I am amazed at how different my perceptions and thoughts were compared to "reality". I've had several conversations and discoveries with my W over the past year and I recall how I felt at the time and my thought process, and see how different it was from the truth of what was really going on.

I'm not Psychologist, but I assume it's just the body's way of dealing with stress. I think our brains kick into full gear and all sorts of thoughts and assumptions race through your mind trying to reassure yourself and calm the pain, so it makes up excuses and irrational thoughts.

I sometimes hurt and want to cry when hear how my W felt leading up to, and during our sitch. I never realized how much pain she was feeling, and how scared she felt going through our sitch.

I guess one of the take aways from this for me was that I need to put myself in her shoes when situations arrive. Everyone has their own thoughts and feelings, and they are as real and important to them, as mine are to me.

[NTX_Dad]

Jon - I think this is a good example of why you need to take things slow. You need to find yourself, your W needs to find herself, and you both need to work together to redefine your relationship. It's kind of like starting over. Of course you know trivial things already about each other - favorite music, colors, etc. But now you need to take the time to dig deeper to see if you are really compatible. Sure the ML is apparently pretty great, but there's way more to a solid marriage outside the sack.

I can also share with you that for several months I felt that maybe my W coming back was her plan "b" and that I was a consolation prize. It took several months for me to figure out and reassure myself that was not the case.

It sounds like you are doing well, so keep on keeping on!