New to the board, fairly newly LBS from MLC.

[tigerlily78]

Ugh. I need to learn when to just shut up. my new mantra is just "shut up and smile".

Today I really messed up. He came home and asked if I wanted to go to a movie for my birthday (my birthday is Friday, so the timing seemed kind of weird). I should have just said yes, but instead I felt the need to ask if this was just a convenient way for him to check me off his list so he wouldn't have to feel guilty about making all kinds of other plans ON my birthday. I told him I didn't want a halfassed pity event.

I am so stupid. Someone get me a roll of duct tape for my mouth.

He says he can't measure how much of his actions are based on pity and how much is based on care. This of course devolved into a whole long stupid conversation. He still thinks he is somehow doing us both a favor by stepping out that "neither of us was happy." I don't think our unhappiness was unresolvable, and my unhappiness was pretty minor. He pointed out that my being angry and sad and trapping him in conversations like this are what makes him want to get away. Well duh. At a later point he said "it would be easy for me to spend the rest of my life with you." I said I only would want that if we were both committed to making changes to make it better.

I called OW a bandaid at one point. He said "you don't know that." I rephrased that to "I think she is a bandaid."

I need to run, I need to meditate, I need to refocus on my short term goals and my longterm goals. I seriously need to STFU. I hope the therapist gets a cancellation that I can take soon, December feels so far away. Today I was a crazy person. I don't want to be that person.

[tigerlily78]

I am reading a book on communication, "Help Your Partner Say Yes" ... one of the first exercises is making a lost of things your spouse has done recently that you appreciate. I made the list, but am wondering if I should not actually give it to him.

Likewise, I made a list of my "goals/wants" for changes I would want to make in our relationship (most of them centered on my actions, a few are reciprocal). I feel like in a way the list if very much a validation of complaints he has had in the past, kind of like affirmation that I WAS listening and internalizing the feedback. But again, should I just table this for now? I am having a hard time judging whether the validation is worthwhile at this stage and if it is the proper time to plant these seeds ("I know there are changes to be made and I am getting started on the ones I can tackle on my own").

Insights?

[RosaLinda]

Hi Lily. No I don't think you should give either list to your H. Remember our job in DBing is to STFU until they approach us, and then be friendly and approachable. So don't give him either list, but especially not your goals. That's for you alone.

But I think it would be a great idea to keep the list of things H did that you appreciate in mind, and thank him for one of them every couple of days. "I was thinking about that great dinner you made Tuesday, H, you are such a good cook, thanks." "I really appreciate you picking up S15 at school yesterday H, thanks so much."

Actions speak louder than words, especially if his love language is acts of service. And acts of service people need words of appreciation regarding their acts. Just my opinion though

[tigerlily78]

I am pretty sure his LL is not acts of service. I am/was one of those wives who went above and beyond to make his life really convenient and easy around the house. I am the fixer most of the time.

I think his is probably physical touch and words of affirmation, but I have been feeling self conscious about my weight and my body and we had fallen into that pattern where he really touched me as a direct precursor to ML, that doesn't really boost the self esteem. It begins to feel like a signal for "let go have ML" not "you are beautiful and sexy and I can't keep my hands off of you sometimes." *sigh*

[tigerlily78]

And now that he has PT with OW, and I am sure tons of affirmation even if it is contrite that is going to fill his needs. I feel like I am at a grave disadvantage.

[tigerlily78]

Well, I guess the good news is I have lost 21 pounds since Oct 5th. You sure can't beat the MLC diet can you?

Tomorrow is my birthday. I know I shouldn't have any expectations, but I *hope* he will ask me to do something again. I am still really kicking myself over messing it up the first time.

Today we communicated via message to make our insurance elections. At least he wasn't eager to throw me off his insurance or change his life insurance beneficiaries. I had some worries with how fast things seem to be progressing with the OW.

[BklynMom]

Focus on you and your son.

What are your hobbies? Have you tried local support groups either through church or maybe alanon.

You need to stay busy and active and take care of yourself. Maybe a fun spa weekend??

This is so so hard. You are doing great.

Show him that he is a fool

[tigerlily78]

You need to stay busy and active and take care of yourself. Maybe a fun spa weekend??

This is so so hard. You are doing great.

Show him that he is a fool

Thank you Bklyn for stopping by. I was beginning to think RosaLinda was the only one who was willing to read my giant posts. lol.

We share a car, so it's been a little hard for me to stay busy doing anything out of the house unless I can score a ride. All my friends are busy moms, so I have had trouble even finding someone to go out for lunch with me tomorrow. The best offer I got was tagging along to a Football game where my friend has marching band mom duties and she would buy me dinner at the concession stand. I may take her up on that anyways.

I run 1.75 miles almost everyday, my son has Boy Scouts one night a week and I volunteer for them as their webmaster, my other hobbies right now are pretty much "homebody" things like reading, drawing, writing, crafting. I like to play cards and board games too, I just don't know if I am in a place at the moment where I want to invite anyone into the house to do that.

I am also trying to get a job, I didn't work out of the home before. My options are pretty much limited right to what is within walking distance of our house... it's all stripmall/retail. H also thought I should start part time and ease into it and try to find someplace that will give me daytime hours so I can still be here for our son after school. I guess that makes sense, but then I also wonder if it wasn't just to make sure I am not going anywhere too soon. Or is that just the guilt talking, "I feel bad so I'll promise to take care of you." He even at one point said he doesn't care if I get a job. Hmm? So he wants to leave me and start a new life with OW, but plans to keep meeting all my living expenses indefinitely? I don't get it.

[tigerlily78]

^It's clearly not realistic thinking that he can continue to pay for this house, my son and my basic needs, my son's Aspergers therapy and related expenses (Our living budget as it is now is already tight some months) AND also achieve his "goal" he mentioned the other day of having a nicer house (no indication whether this fantasy includes me or the OW living in the nicer house). lol.

[tigerlily78]

Well, he did end up asking me again today if I wanted to go to lunch for my birthday. I graciously accepted this time and he let me choose the place. No time for a movie though, he had a busy work day. Maybe a raincheck for a movie in a couple weeks that we both want to see that is just coming out then.

Lunch went really well. We went to a place we used to go to a low. We used actually sleep in and have ML and then go to this place for "breakfast" even though they only serve lunch items. Right away when we sat down he reminded me of something funny that happened one time when we were eating there. We had a good laugh about that. He vented a lot about what's going on with his work. I listened attentively and asked questions where appropriate and validated. I strongly suspect OW is way out of her league to try and understand half of his work talk, so I think this was a much needed release for him.

No R talk. Kept it light and fun. Lots of good eye contact across the table. I felt like he was present in the moment in a way he hasn't been much lately. I thanked him when we got hom and told him I was glad we did it, that I enjoyed our time together. He gave me a one armed up, had the drink cup still in his other hand. I took it out of his hand and set it on the table, I told him for my birthday I expected to get both arms. He chuckled a little but didn't resist and I got a good tight hug. Then I let him go about his business and spent the rest of the day doing my own thing.

Later tonight when he was getting ready to leave he asked our son for a hug. Son gave him the lazy kind of hug. H told him "that hug was weak, give me a real hug, like this... a diamond crushing hug, not a wooden one." Ahh, so he is paying attention.