on the edge...

[dingo]

I don't know that I am angry but I am definitely hurt, frustrated and disappointed. I think that goes without saying. I feel that I have been forgiving and have tried to show compassion. While I have acted out occasionally in the heat of the moment, I have never seriously tried to punish her with my words or actions. I don't hate her for what she's done and I understand that she is struggling with a lot too. I try to be there for her but as has been stated multiple times by multiple people, I am the last person she needs/wants to hear advice from right now.

There is definitely fear. A ton of it. Mostly I am scared to lose my companion and have to start over again but I am also scared of failure, scared to be alone during the holidays. There's also an element of comfort that I am scared to lose.
I know that these are things that are really clouding my ability to assess this situation correctly and am trying to get through them. Sometimes I also think they may be the only things that are keeping me in the marriage.

To give you a rough timeline, she claims that she started to really question the relationship back in February. She claims she told me but for whatever reason, the seriousness of the situation was something I didn't grasp until May. Thats when I first got the ILYBINILWY and is supposedly when the affair really started. I didnt find out about the affair until July and since then it has been the rollercoaster of 'I want to work on the marriage' and then all of a sudden 'I'm done trying - this time I mean it.' Its been pretty clockwork, 3 weeks of good, and then a week of bad. Sometimes its been triggered by contact with the OM. Some of that contact I suspect and some I have confirmed. She claims that since mid-October, she has really cut ties with the OM, but of course she still works with him. Supposedly conversation has been limited to work issues only. To her credit, she has interviewed for a couple of jobs and is seriously considering taking one of them if they make her an offer. The last few weeks, she has also been much much much less attached to her cell phone and much more engaged with me - both physically and emotionally. I took those things as positive signs that she was done with the affair and had indeed re-committed to the marriage. She has also told me that a separation would be under the terms of remaining faithful and that the affair was in fact over.

So the crisis, as its been known to me, has been going on for months. I look at some people's sigs on here and I realize that 6 months isnt all that long but its starting to get up there. I guess its probably worth noting that she hasnt moved out yet. She is planning on signing the lease tomorrow and is planning on moving out on 12/1. I think you are suggesting that I let things sit a bit after she moves out and see how I feel after a few weeks or so of that before I act?