That is what I am trying to do. If it takes a couple of skanky OW bandaids for my H to be able to come out of this tunnel, I think I can bear it. I can be that stanchion Cadet talks about. I can see how strong you are becoming Heather, that you are really thinking and growing. I LOVE your to-do list, especially changing the way you look at yourself from artsy fartsy flake to artistic savvy woman. And detaching. That is a big one for me too. You have inspired me to write a list of my own! Thanks!
Thank you Linda for your kind words.
I appreciate you understanding that I didn't mean to sound judging. I'm trying so hard to understand. It does feel so counterintuitive at times. That's an understatement.
I'm overwhelmed by how you can behave with such dignity and grace with your H in the house. There's a reason why God put my H so far away. I simply don't have the patience and impulse control that you do.
Much Love to you. You're one awesome lady!
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I really admire your perspective. And I envy it too, because I just don't have it right now. Or is it any more? I'm just feeling done, and appreciate seeing someone with passion for their marriage.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
this is so sick here- i just lost - (not lying) five notes to you. type them, hit something or another and lose them. this damn laptop (but i can sit in comfry chair in sunny window instead of upstris in a dark corner)
anyway- i like the lucifer idea- it's true. it's only a giant deadline (and RESULT) when what's been in your head doesn't match up with reality. OLE grass being geener and all.
much much better and happier form e to reside in the land of one day at a time. it's helped me survive- i even "feel" it- not just lip service. it sure makes ya let go of a heck of alot of junk.
watching my mom getting older and older and more and more mad about it- wtf does one do about THAT? I'M askin ya.
h too- now that i say it- he's typical guy thatplanned this and planned that and when it all came true - and he wasn't abso-fing-lutely spinning like a top with excitement - he shot off into outer space. oiy....
grateful today for a cozy little house around me on this chilly morning- hoping to have the intestinal fortutude to stand a bit longer. i'm a ROCK- it's who i am. it's what i do.
lets hope i continue - for awhile yet. in the day it seems like i can- all night i swear to self i'm stopping this insanity-
will see who wins in the end i guess. hae wonderful day- thank hyou & drive thru please.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
Hi all! I've been reading everyone's threads and wanted to update mine, but not much is going on.
My vision is still blurry in my left eye. It's sort of discouraging since the surgery was over 2 months ago. My laser surgery to clear up the cloudiness was scheduled for Dec. 4th, but now the surgeon says it's "not ready" yet.
Things are quiet with my H. No spewing. He's acting kind and shows me that he cares about me a dozen little ways every day, when he's not staring into space or wandering around like a lost soul.
H's memory is shot, and I've noticed that besides re-writing our marital history and my character, he has started re-writing his health history. He insisted that he has not had a diverticulitis attack since he started eating that rotten oatmeal. I had to show him his CT scan results before he believed me. He is really having an exacerbation of his lymes symptoms - the overwhelming fatigue, headaches and confusion, but continues to refuse to take his prescribed antibiotics. He has been looking at a lymes specialist in NJ, and the russian wants him to be treated in Korea (?) but what is the use when he already sees a lymes specialist here on Long Island and will not follow his advice?
I assume H still talks to the russian on skype every day. I have been thinking about what uRw and others have advised me - that their relationship is not real. It sure FEELS real when he is mooning around, wishing he could be with her instead of stuck here in real life with me.
I think you are right Bright, that the russian continues to push H, and that he wants some change in his life, but really doesn't want to leave his family and home.
I have realized that H really doesn't have anything to offer her, except for words of love, false promises, telling her how much he longs to be with her, on skype. He cannot actually DO anything for her. She's 5,000 miles away; he cannot cook for her, go for a walk with her, watch a hockey game with her.
I think that he's playing a game. They are each using each other. He keeps me off his back by telling me he is in love with the russian, and it would not be fair to her for him to show affection towards me. And keeps her off his back by telling her that he is in love with her and is searching for a way to be with her. But it is just words; he really does not want to leave his home. He is playing a big fantasy game of pretend, and is perfectly happy in fantasy land right now.
Until the next time the russian gets tired of no action and starts pushing him again. That's when I get splattered with counter spew! Ugh that stuff is nasty!
But I'll be ready and strong when it happens. The difference between the russian and me is that I KNOW I'm standing while my H works his way out of his depression and pain. I know and love the real man. She only knows the temporarilly crazy shell of a man, and all the lies he tells her.
Here's to hoping she gives up soon to pursue greener grass!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Rosa, finally… I’ve been waiting for your update. You are an amazing woman. And I’m pretty sure you can outwait the RT. I’m glad that he is showing you that he cares.
Once if these days he will have to figure out that that fermented oatmeal is just not going to do it for him. Maybe a different doctor will tell him the same, so he will start listening. I hope he would consider a treatment in Korea. Didn’t he learn from an experience with his teeth in Russia?
I will have a glass of wine tonight for RT giving up and switching to another man. Cheers!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Sounds like you made some very good realizations Rosa, I think you have the situation perfectly pegged. I hope seeing the situation so clearly for what it is will help continue to reinvigorate your resolve.
Best wishes!
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Just checking in.