on the edge...

[dingo]

You're correct - I don't know what is going to happen if she moves out and I don't know what is going to happen if she doesn't move out.

Believe me BD - I have taken more than my share of responsibility for the state of the marriage. I definitely did plenty of things wrong and didn't always take care of her needs. I have told her this many times and worked extremely hard to correct the mistakes. She has acknowledged the work I have done and said its great to see those changes but she feels like she can't do the same for me.

I also know that the marriage didn't get to this state overnight and that its not going to be fixed overnight. I am not asking for it to be 'back to normal' just for us to be moving in the same direction. I know that can look different than I expect though - maybe her moving out is us moving in the same direction ultimately.

I don't know what else YOU think is going on but when I am honest with myself, I do realize that there is some jealousy going on. Strangely enough, its not jealousy towards the OM but jealousy towards my wife. I am jealous that she is able to have the security of a marriage and a husband who loves her as well as an OM that is willing to overlook the fact that she is married while I have to pick one or the other. I am jealous that she can cake eat and knows that she can cake eat. The only way for me to take that away from her is to get a divorce and force myself to move on, to give her the illusion that Ive moved on and hope that she buys it, or to actually move on and not consider a divorce until that's happened.

I also think you are correct in that we both need some space. Things are so convoluted right now that i don't know what to believe. I question her motives when she says things, I question her words, i even question her actions.