Newbies introduce yourself /moderation notes

[RedHawk98]

Hi all! Nice to meet you.
I have been separated since end of March of this year.
I decided to join this board after being a silent watcher. I think this one will be more helpful than other boards I've been on,
which just seem to be full of angry bitter people and cheap reverse psychology tricks.

I'll do my best to condense our 8 month story to something manageable.

Our 5 year marriage had always been very happy between us. We loved and admired each other greatly. All who knew us, considered us to be the near perfect couple.
Over Christmas last year, my wife started to appear more distant with me. Myself and my family were heavily distracted with the failing health of my grandfather.
We had so many pressures on us as a couple at that point.
No privacy in a shared home, money worries, and in general worsening communication problems.
(I would later discover the big cause of those).

My wife had two friends who were very jealous of our relationship. They would not be outright nasty about me, but would empathise and support my wife's concerns. They wanted to see us apart. One of them had a dead loss boyfriend at home, the other was just your standard Don Juan type. He was also her boss.

Mid March, my wife dropped the bomb that she wasn't happy for the second time. Addressing all of my shortcomings.
My first "warning" came two days before the death of my grandfather. I just wasn't hearing my wife at the time.

I had noticed a declining sense of happiness in myself for the last two years. So I said that I would see a doctor the following day. I was diagnosed with depression.

4 days later, Bomb No.2 was dropped. I didn't stand a chance of getting back on my feet emotionally. She said that her feelings had changed and that she didn't love me like she did anymore. It had been a slow declinenof two years in her love for me. I received all the classic WAW stuff, and felt like she was pulling reasons out of the air to justify what she was doing.

Owing to my already down state at the time. I made all the classic mistakes of crying, reasoning begging etc. I'm mortified looking back. I try not to beat myself up over it. I wasn't well at the time.

Considering only two months before we were still very happy together and making long term plans together. This was sudden!

I immediately blamed her two friends and accused her of an affair with her boss. Not smart!

I'm still convinced she had an EA with her boss at least. But have nothing more than circumstantial evidence and vague memories of texts ending in kisses on her phone.

The month before she moved out swayed between good days and bad for us. Somedays we would talk cheerfully together, others I would crack again and we would have harsh verbal exchanges.

She moved out a month later. Saying she needed time to think.
I was not allowed to know where she was living, despite the fact I had no interest in knowing at all.

A month of weekly phone calls were cheerful. Until the 5th one where I learned that her feelings still hadn't changed. She wanted a divorce.

The next few months were horrific for me. I had no contact from her, with nothing but false stories and opinions fed to me by alleged friends. I took most of my frustrations out on her.
In the meantime, I worked on myself for both of us. Aqquiring a new home, worked all the hours I could to clear debts and try to return mentally anf emotionally to the man I was before.

I always had a good relationship wih my mother in law. She did her best to let me down gently for a couple of months until the day I offered to take her out for dinner for her birthday. I thought it may be my last opportunity.

Dinner was a surprise! My MIL immediately questioned this "two year decline". Instead of continuing to let me down gently, she dropped me many hints about what I needed to do and told me "I don't know when she's coming back. But continue doing what you're doing. I am not saying goodbye today".
That was a serious 180! Wasnt expecting that.

I had also noticed that the treatment I was receiving for depression, wasn't doing much.
I saw a therapist and as time went by I learned that I was actually suffering from an undiagnosed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Knowing that has made an amazing difference for me. I look back on my actions over the last few years and I'm mortified at how much my character had changed.

Communication between my wife and I has been friendly enough, still not wanting to reconcile though.
However, with a clearer head now I can see what I didn't see before.

My wife tells a mutual friend of ours the plain truth about where our relationship deteriorated, how unhappy she is and how she is struggling financially, how lonely she feels and how scared and homesick she is.
When my wife talks to me on the phone, she is quite cheerful, rewriting history and making out how happy she is. Her feelings still aren't there for me etc.

In October, I lost patience. Tired of playing this WAW game, I told her I wanted to to come to my apartment to discuss this divorce she wanted. I had gone to seek legal advice; as she was making no effort at all.
On the day of the meeting, she changed her mind and wanted us to meet at a neutral location. Still cheerful about the meet up. Like it was what she wanted.

I expected the truth about her and her boss to come out finally.
Instead, on arrival I met a woman who seemed like a shadow of my wife. Painfully thin, her eyes without the life they once had, without any money in her purse.

We discussed divorce for all of 45 seconds. Before she changed the subject and starting asking questions after questions about our past.
Why didn't we do this, why didn't we do that. She started lookimg tearful.
I knew she couldn't keep the cold hard act up in person, eye to eye.

I said that on our next meeting, I would give her all the answers she needed regards my shortcomings. I just wasn't ready to talk about the PTSD yet.
She once again criticised me for poor communication. It was the reason we were in this mess she claimed.

I wrote her a long letter, explaining my declining happiness and the PTSD. The reasons behind it.

This weekend she goes home to the US for Thanksgiving. I am hoping, during her holiday, she will relax. The resentment will drop and she will realise that she does still love me.
That our separation is just a temporary breakdown in communication that has got seriously out of hand.