I do think more details are needed about your dynamics, there is lots of dysfunction touched upon, but few details. You talk about being the pursuer, but also talk about functioning in a parent role, where you are helping him to function (reminding him to turn in assignments, completing his applications for him, etc.). That is different than being a pursuer, that's a parent/child dynamic and comes with it's own issues and challenges.
You also talk about doing a lot of accommodating -- you agreed to move where he wanted to move, you agreed to move in with his parents, etc. and have put your desires and your career on the backburner to accommodate what HE wanted.
You also touched on the fact that H has inner dialogs that he gets angry with you about. You say "X", and he hears "Y", then gets mad about "Y". My W does that as well, and it's a very difficult thing to contend with.
Finally you touched on sexual problems that were triggered around the time that you moved in with your inlaws. What impact did this have on your M and what did H have to say about it?
It sounds like you have a history of unproductive arguments that end with H threatening divorce and you begging him to stay with you, you reach equilibrium for some period of time, and then the cycle repeats.
I would like more detail on all of these themes if you're up for it.
In terms of an initial reaction, it reads like you were in a "one up/one down" relationship, where H was "one up" and you were "one down". What that means is that he will be the one to ultimately get his way whenever you disagree, you will be the one to accommodate and sacrifice, and you will be the one to appear to "want it more", which means that H will value you less.
This dynamic is painful for both parties, including the "one up" person, and is written about at length in the book "The Passion Trap" by Dean Delis. That may be worth reading.
The other book that may be worth a read for your situation is "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" by Steven Stosny and Patricia Love. That will help you to break out of the unproductive argument cycles.
Let us know if you have specific questions regarding your sitch.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
