There was actually some upsetting interaction on Monday. Per my TC, I tried touching my W when she said something humorous by bumping her arm with the back of my hand. She responded by telling me, “Not to hit her.” A colleague later came in to the office and made some mocking comments about her ability to read. Instead of getting mad, she looked at him with humor. I fail to see how that was not disrespectful (one of her issues). She made several comments about hating "this place" (work) and how she just needs to find a job somewhere else. She also said while she was trying to play fantasy football, she kept getting redirected to match.com. I don't know if she was trying to get a reaction out of me or just being hurtful.
Thursday there were a few work related conversations with W. They have started to become tiring because that is all she will talk about.
Today we had a few more work related conversations. Per my TC, I told her I was going out to dinner and asked if she would like to join me. She said simply, no. I didn't let it get to me and asked her if she was going to see a movie she has been talking about all year. Another no. She volunteered that "maybe" she would stop by to see the cat. Like that is doing me some kind of favor.
I'm just so frustrated and tired with the while situation. It has been 212 days since she moved out. I don't know how much longer I can hang in there with nothing from her.
So I talked to my TC yesterday about my increasing frustrations. She agreed that because my wife only comes to me when she needs to vent/dump, she may begin to associate me with only these negative experiences. She suggested I try to steer the conversation in a different direction so our conversations would be more positive. She also suggested it was perfectly appropriate to set boundaries. But what boundaries? I feel like my toolbox is poorly equipped for these sort of complex interactions.
Hmmmmm... How about when she starts venting about work, you could say...
"You know, we just spent ten hours in that hell hole... Let's talk about something else..."
"Hey, how about them Rangers, huh? Man, they are killing me!"
"Not to change the subject, but I just tied this great recipe for cannoli dip! The stuff rocks! Want to try some?"
Boundaries can be a bugger. It is hard to set a limit without coming across in a negative way. Being frustrated makes it harder.
BTW... quit counting the days. It is not a proactive thing.
What really makes redirecting the conversation so difficult is that I use to do that before BD. She always tended to see the negative and made it worse by dwelling on it. I would try to help her see the positives and, failing that, change the conversation. I am more of a work to live kind of person, but she seems to have become someone who doesn't have an identity outside of work. Her self worth appears to be entirely based on work. As she has a very low opinion of work, and her job in particular, she has even worse self esteem issues than normal. Tell me how do I change work related conversations without all of the apparent pitfalls?
As for counting, I am not actively doing it on a day to day basis. Somedays I just can't believe how long this has been going on. On those days, I just use a handy counting app. I get what you are saying, though. It isn't helpful and doesn't change anything.
BTW, my W emailed me Friday evening saying she was sorry she didn't want to go out for dinner. That she "hated" people. She didn't want to go to the movies for the same reason. She also said she was going to catch up on some work and then "veg out." That she wouldn't be stopping by this weekend. I replied with understanding and validation. I also joked that I veg too much and needed to animal more.
I still cannot believe after nearly a year of IC and seven months after moving out, she is no better and, by any measure, worse than before. I see now how I helped offset her negativity and provided a release from work. She has none of that now. She has fewer friends than just a few months ago. I am not sure that I feel pity for her though. She has chosen this.
Since you two are talking... how asking her if she would like to have a chicken sandwich at the park? No crowds... fresh air... Just thinking out loud.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
Since you two are talking... how asking her if she would like to have a chicken sandwich at the park? No crowds... fresh air... Just thinking out loud.
When it was warmer, we did have the occasional lunch outdoors. Without explanation, she brought an end to any meals (lunch or dinner) together. That was in June/July. She has a different excuse each time I have asked (which is not all that often).
Some updates. Mid-day Sunday, W emailed me to say that she was too busy and tired to stop by the house. I just went about my day, running errands. About two hours later she emailed me saying when someone emails you it is expected that you respond. (I really wanted to be snarky. I have long lost count of the number of emails from me she has ignored.) I replied that I was busy running errands and that I intended to email her later. When I was done, I did reply to her email. Then she didn’t respond for hours. I sent another email saying simply, “What you said.” She told me to "chill," that she had been napping. She suggested we might go out for lunch one day this week. After a few more email exchanges, we settled on having lunch Thursday.
Monday we did not have much contact. I felt like she was avoiding eye contact. She did stop by my office briefly to tell me she bought a large container of flavored creamer for coffee and to “drink up.”
Tuesday she stopped by my office to let me know big things were happening at work. That she had an important meeting. I told her that I hoped it went well I would think positive thoughts for her. When I finished work early, I left. She sent me a rather long email that evening about how she had looked for me. How she wanted my opinion on something. She told me how the meeting had not gone as she had hoped. I replied that she could always email me anything she wanted me to look over. I empathized with her disappointment about work. She later emailed me reminding me to do something. I told her it was already taken care of.
Today, she dropped by to show me some of her work and to share my opinion. I was supportive, but made some suggestions on how to improve it. She later stopped by to share the changes she made in response to the feedback she had received. I looked everything over and she seemed satisfied. In the afternoon, she again dropped by to tell me how things went for her and she had some positive observations. The conversation then changed to events at work and her concerns for things that had developed in the last few days. I expressed understanding and empathized. I shared my hope that things were not as bleak as they seemed.
