I Believe it Cause I Feel It

[job]

WR,
I think you stated things quite plainly and he should be able to read between the lines about the resume. As for the over due funds...don't hold your breath on that. This may need to be resolved via the legal system.

I'm Catholic and you would not have any problems w/the church as you are not the one that left the marriage...your h did. Your priest may be right about your h trying to return at some point. Many of them will attempt to reconcile, more so around the holidays and then fly the coop again in late winter/early spring. I, too, have been cautioned that my xh will want to return, now more than ever, since his wife/ow passed away in September...but I know him entirely too well and he would never ask because he knows what the answer will be. It's less work to for him to keep moving along the bumpy road of life than to actually do the hard work.

If he should want to come home, I would be very cautious in how I handled that. He would have to prove to you that he's wanting to be a part of the marriage 100% and not just be providing lip service on the subject. It's very difficult to have them return home too soon and then leave again.

For now, leave him in God's hands.

[RosaLinda]

That's a good email, Rose. Boy your son's school is expensive, how awful that your H is not helping you at all with that. Did the priest agree to help you with the tuition? I found it strange that the priest would "warn" you about your H probably wanting to return home. But I bet Job is right, and he is warning you to be careful to make sure your H is.committed to your marriage before allowing him to come back.

Job how does your leg feel? What are you doing for Thanksgiving?

[Whiterose]

Well, I guess, I have it in an email where I was nice and he was not

I was just talking with Linda and realize that I've come to quite a few realizations during this process. About me and about the true man H is. First his family is NUTS I mean certifiable NUTS! and that's been a major strain on us....they're not going anywhere. H has ADHD, depression, anxiety (to some extent), self esteem issues and anger problems (there have been a few instances of holes in walls, a couple of times he's lifted his hand to hit (HAS NOT but went to do it) and I think for him to be a man worthy of me he will need to work on that. I'm not perfect, by any stretch, and have a lot of work to do on myself BUT I'm acknowledging that I need to do the work where he's not. I cannot be with a man that won't at least work on himself. He would have some major work to do on himself that would then open the door to workng on us. I've started. I've acknowledged my faults......he may never. If he doesn't he can't come home. I can't keep doing this. Not for me or my boys.
He has said a few times " I can't be the man you need" and he's right. I see that now. He can't be the right man for any real woman in a lasting relationship. He just does not understand that he's the one that needs to own it and fix it.......makes me sad. So deeply sad. He's a good man. Truly!!! He's just so broken right now and I'm only strong ........

On a complete side note MIRACLE Fr has found someone to pay S14's tutition for the year if H won't. Yay

[job]

WR,
That's wonderful news about the tuition. Miracles do happen and I certainly wouldn't share this news w/anyone in your real world right now. You don't need this news to get back to your h because he still needs to be accountable for the funds.

I do understand what you said about your h being a broken man. Many times, they can't or won't find the strength to do the hard and necessary work. They'd rather have the easy way out of things and yes, blame anyone and everything for their problems. A lot of this stinking thinking comes from the environment that they were raised in. Very, very sad.

Hang in there!

[Whiterose]

Oh yes. I haven't said a word. What H doesn't know is best for all! I'm so excited. Two great bits of info. He gets his psychoanalysis and tuition covered. What a huge relief.
Linda, in BC, independent schools receive 50% of funding to educate the child from the government. So if it costs $400 a month for the ministry of education to educate we get $200. We get absolutely no funding for hard costs. Buildings, land, desks, chalk, etc...that is all done through fundraising and tuition. It's a hardship for us but I feel it best for my boys. H has always understood this. S19 was educated in the system. I was. My family. My nieces and nephews. Because H has always paid for it and it's an "always been this way" I can ask for it above and beyond my child support. He can fight me but I can make a valid argument and he'd probably end up losing the case. Anyway, in the interm we're good!! Yahoo.

When H left I visited with Fr, a few months later, and he asked me point blank "why would you even want him back?" I think that more than a priest he's a man disgusted by the antics of someone of his own gender. I get it. Women do the same. It's not right but human nature in these instances. I have found that all the men I know are more disgusted than the women.

Job, we'll see how much that nurture will supersede the nature now I guess. We'll see .........

[Whiterose]

well, two unexpected things happened!

H called S19 to drop off two Giants tickets (he gets them from work they're our WHL division) and a Canucks scarf (I'm guessing also free).......he came by, only stayed in the truck in the middle of the road even though there was parking at the curb, but I was shocked that he even thought to do it. Says it's for his birthday for him and S19's girlfriend (he doesn't have one but does have friends that are girls) to go. He hasn't stopped by to drop anything off EVER. Only to pick up or drop off the kids or if he needed to get something way back in the beginning.

Second shocker he emailed me back. Granted, it was to accuse me of sending a read only file (I don't even know how to do that-he knows that!)

Hi
Is there a reason you sent it as a read only file?

I'm not sure if I should take it as polite with the "Hi" or is it angry? Absolutely nothing about the money, as predicted, but odd. My response:

Hi
I don't know. When I opened it from the original email I was able to edit it.
here it is again

and re-attached it.

Anyone have any thoughts??

[job]

WR,
I'm glad he remembered his son's birthday. His behavior yesterday was a bit strange.

He may have opened the attachment in read only format. I've done that myself and then had to take a few extra steps to change it where I can edit it. I wouldn't worry about it. If he can't go in to update it, he can ask someone to assist him or if he were rational, he could very well you in a nice tone.

At this point, nothing you say or do will be right w/him. You did what you did out of the goodness of your heart...let his oddball behavior go.

As for the money, I'm not surprised he didn't address it. He's not going to. Now, you need to move forward and leave the financial stuff in your lawyer's hands. Your h isn't going to work w/you on catching up w/support or returning the money from the check unless he is legally forced to do so.

I'm very sorry he's acting this way. The only people he is hurting are his sons. The damage he's doing will only hurt him in the long run because your sons, as they mature into young adults will lose all respect for him.

WR, hang in there. Make sure you make copies of your emails requesting the funds for your lawyer. Continue to be the wonderful person that you are.

[LoisB]

WR,

You sound stronger! You do. Isn't it funny how action breeds more action?

You do one positive, brave thing and, then, other things begin to happen, which lead to more positive, brave action on your part.

You are awesome!!!! Go girl.

Heather

[Whiterose]

Thank you Ladies!!

Job, I sent the response email, nothing back.....not really expecting anything-no expectations, right?!!?

I didn't think he would respond about the money, well 97% sure he wouldn't if we're speaking the truth:), but I've kept it in my "H" folder on my computer and it will be added to my file to my lawyer. I keep EVERYTHING.

Thank you for your support Job ALWAYS there for me:)

Heather....you're so right!! I see that my attitude yesterday was different. I had stuff, for S14, that needed to get done so my Mamma Bear mode was in force and I think sending H the resume made ME feel good. That I could rise above it. Definitely something to be said for that!

Funny little story.....I was sitting in the principal's office talking about S14's tuition. The acct was in there as well (female). Anyway, when they explained to me that Fr had not filled in the extra support portion of the form and that he needs to as mandated by the Archbishop I just sat there and think I reached a boiling point. Not angrily or anything, as I'm on good terms with all of them, Principal asked if I was comfortable asking Fr again.....No! I said we get along very well. We're FB friends. Then I said "please excuse my next statement but I'm done with all men's sh!t!! S14 needs to get money for school, I don't have money, I get nothing from H so if I need to go back to Fr I'll go back to Fr. If it doesn't work you can go to the board and get special permission!!" hahahahaha big girl panties on!

you ladies are awesome!

[RosaLinda]

geez Rose, I'm glad H bought by a birthday gift for your son, but how funny that he left his car in the middle of the street. Ready for a quick getaway I guess. But you know what, it sounds to me as if he is starting to wake up a little bit. Teensy bit maybe

And look at you! DBing all over the place. Principals even! You are getting so strong. Think what fabulous people we will all be by the time these MLCs are over. Strong and awesome! You're doing great!