Only Married 2 Years

[Accuray]

Hi Chris9, if you read people's stories there are many cases where a spouse left at one point for some period of time and then came back, so the fact that you've only been married 2-3 years isn't all that unusual. I do think, however, that "once the seal is broken" they are more likely to move out again later in response to problems because they already did it once and it didn't kill them. Same reason someone who has divorced once is more likely to divorce again because the fear is gone since they've seen that they will survive.

It's important at this point to understand what's going on with your emotions. I believe that even if your spouse treated you like crap, had pointy horns, and was just fundamentally evil, if they left unexpectedly you would want them back more than anything.

Why is that?

For one thing, their departure is a very dramatic shock. You had a belief system that you and your spouse were "together in this" and at some level they would have your back no matter what. Sure you might fight and/or disagree but at the end of the day, you are married and that means something. That feeling provides a lot of security, and is the reason people typically will accept monogamy rather than multiple sexual partners, the security and bonding is more highly valued.

When your belief system is upended, your security is removed, and you are no longer pair-bonded, that's a very dramatic change to happen "all of a sudden", so you will feel like you want your prior situation back at any cost, even if your prior situation was crappy and unsatisfying. The change is the painful thing here, and that's something to be aware of. The fact that you want your spouse back desperately is not because they were so great, it's because the change hurts so much.

Over time, "the change" will no longer be different, you will accept it, and it will no longer hurt, so no matter what happens with W, you will be okay, but you will need time to get there.

The second thing that happens emotionally is that when your spouse leaves you feel out of control. You are not able to will yourself to feel good. You are not able to ask your spouse to help you. You feel like you are falling with no safety net.

If you read about the phenomenon of "falling in love", one of the greatest drivers of that feeling is letting go and feeling out of control. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring with a new partner -- will they call you back? Will they reciprocate your romantic gesture? Will you scare them away? All that uncertainty is exciting in a dating scenario, and that excitement and out of control feeling releases brain chemicals that diminish your capacity for rational decision making.

When your spouse leaves you unexpectedly, those same "out of control" feelings are triggered, although rather than being exciting they are horrifying because you're coming from a different place. At the same time, it triggers the "in love" feelings all over again. You are the victim of brain chemicals there, your spouse is not the ultimate "soul mate"/perfect match that you are convincing yourself they were.

What does all this mean?

It's important to understand what you are going through, what you are feeling, and why you feel that way. Recognize it as temporary, and take it into account when deciding what to do.

Your very best bet here is to give her space, let her do whatever she will do, and appear to "want it less". Yes, that's right, if you want it less, you are more likely to reconcile.

So follow the DB basics, (1) 180 whatever it is that you don't like about how you act in relationships, (2) get a life, (3) act as if everything is fine.

You will get through this, you will be fine, regardless of what W chooses to do going forward.

Acc