GUILT IS IT A GOOD SIGN?

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Ambivalent,
From my experience all of the MLCers speak of their guilt at one time or another, i.e., some at the beginning, some at the acceptance level and others when the dust has completely settled and life moves on.

If you follow the stages of MLC, when the crisis first hits, they are in denial about a lot of things and yes, many of them have already begun the journey down the slippery slope of MLC. The pain, confusion, anger, guilt and shame are all mixed into the pot right along with depression. Self medication is the only way that they can escape these feelings for a short period of time. However, the guilt tends to keep them from looking us in the eye when they are around us. They can't be around us or hear our voices because they can detect the pain we are suffering and the guilt spurs them on to more self medication. This is why many of them prefer to deal w/us via email and/or text messaging. They don't have to hear our voices.

Holidays tend to bring the guilt out more and usually this time of the year, the LBS begins to have more contact w/them, whether it's positive on negative, it doesn't matter just as long as they can remind us that they are still out there. As for remorse, it comes much later in the crisis when they begin to have more moments of clarity and especially during the final stages of acceptance and actually returning to reality.

Those who have reconciled are those who have actually worked on themselves. They have been the ones that have faced their demons, accepted that they can't change the past, but can change themselves and have proven that they do want to reconcile w/their spouses. However, I do want to caution those who are reconciling, do not expect to get apologies as we know them. Apologies are very vague and do not feel like apologies. The MLCer will also want to sweep their crisis under the rug and not discuss what they did or didn't do or say during the crisis. Some will not remember everything and others are so ashamed of what they've done, they would much prefer to forget about it and move on w/life.

I'd like to point out that those that have returned to their marriages are generally the mature, more settled people. Some may return w/a few traits that they acquired during the crisis and others may return pretty much like themselves, personality wise pre-crisis. Those that have reconciled have discovered that their spouses are more settled, more mature and happy. I know of only a few cases whereby the MLCer returned and was still a bit of a monster, and they ended up divorcing or he/she left again to finish up their crisis or live as bitter people till they died. However, just because the MLCer wants to reconcile, it doesn't necessarily mean that it will happen. You, the LBS have the final say as to whether you want them back as your spouse or not. You ultimately hold the key to reconciliation, not the MLCer.