How to convince resistant LD wife?

[MrBond]

Ambivalent,

"because I know he is experimenting out there and if he sees me as a mommy figure or "good" girl, then those feelings may not return. Add to that he has ED and depression, those affect desire as well."

Pure mindreading in the worst way. Either confront him about the receipt or let it go. You're spinning out of control AGAIN.

[ssmguy]

I really don't think he would do anything...especially if he's already getting some.

Well, that wouldn't keep me from wanting more. But then again, I'm HD.

Okay, what? Everything I know could transmit.

Handjobs, erotic massage, dry humping, cuddling, hands under clothes, or various mild kinks, role play. I could keep myself busy all day with stuff that's safe before I even got to the other stuff. But then again, I'm HD with endless fantasies.

I wouldn't even know how to use a condom... But that's getting way ahead.

Uh, you just put it on what it's designed to be put on. Or am I missing something?

Like I said before, he is not demonstrating any physical touch other than hugs.

Better than nothing.

Now I haven't bought any sexy sleepwear, I may do that soon, with a matching robe. For me, it helps to feel desirable...sigh...

Yes, do that for yourself, not so much for him. I would more admire my wife if I saw that she wanted to feel sexy for herself, and would therefore always wear something appealing. It can be seen as less sexy if you wear something appealing ONLY when you want results in bed. That would play into his feeling manipulated. Better to have him imagine you as going to bed in something sexy even when he is not there to appreciate it!

[Ambivalent]

Actually Mr. Bond...not spinning. Just coming to terms with it. I'm okay! I'm not going to pretend it isn't a serious possibility. When the time is right , I may chat about it with him. But I really don't feel the need to anymore.

I'm in a good place , a real place, and moving forward. Just being realistic.

[Ambivalent]

Well, that wouldn't keep me from wanting more. But then again, I'm HD.

Uh, don't think so...I'm not his object of desire...yet! >:}

Remember he left, not I. He has to go through what he needs, and I'm NOT one of his needs.

Handjobs, erotic massage, dry humping, cuddling, hands under clothes, or various mild kinks, role play. I could keep myself busy all day with stuff that's safe before I even got to the other stuff. But then again, I'm HD with endless fantasies.

Remember he doesn't desire me? And if we even got close to this, he would want all the way!

Yes, do that for yourself, not so much for him. I would more admire my wife if I saw that she wanted to feel sexy for herself, and would therefore always wear something appealing. It can be seen as less sexy if you wear something appealing ONLY when you want results in bed. That would play into his feeling manipulated. Better to have him imagine you as going to bed in something sexy even when he is not there to appreciate it!
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Ha! Well he wouldn't see me in it anyways, never here at night!

Better than nothing.

Yes it is, and I will follow HIS lead. Anything else could be perceived as desperate or pursuing. NOT GONNA HAPPEN !

Yes, do that for yourself, not so much for him. I would more admire my wife if I saw that she wanted to feel sexy for herself, and would therefore always wear something appealing.

I need to do this for me, I have to boost my own sense of self.

[Ambivalent]

Oh and Mr.B. He's using Viagra on a regular basis. It's in his car, not his medicine cabinet. Well it could be there too, that I don't know.

So I don't believe I'm mind reading as much as you would assume, I'm just connecting all the dots.

He is seeking, he is using V. he has put out personal profiles with dating/relationships/ 30-50, singles as his "interests".

Please, it is a high probability and I'm not going to try and deceive myself. That would be worse than just dealing with the circumstantial evidence. Also , EVERYTHING I read says that it is part of the MLC. So , lets move past the confront thing. I have. I'm not in any hurry to do it, I don't feel the need to do it. And if I bring up the possibility when writing about things, it is just part of what may be going on

I need to deal with it this way for now. It allows me to accept a situation and not be whacked later. He used a prostitute 10 years ago, and lied about it. This should not be a surprise that he is looking to have sex now. He has been without sex since a bit before he left. He's horny, come on!

[MrBond]

I don't know how many people on your thread mentioned this to you, but it's all mindreading until you actually get the truth from him. The worst part in your scenario was that it started from a simple receipt, then you imagined him with a mistress, then hookers, etc.

You can say whatever you want in your head but it doesn't make it the truth. This is why everyone was telling you to ask him about it. That receipt and Viagra is eating away at you causing resentment to come out. In fact, I can almost guess that your attitude is going to slowly change and you're going to see him as some kind of pervert. You're getting mad at him for something that he has no knowledge about.

It doesn't affect him but it affects you. Again, either just ask him about it or let it go completely. Guys hate it when their W's hold something from them and then accuse them of things that they have no idea about.

[Ambivalent]

That receipt and Viagra is eating away at you causing resentment to come out. In fact, I can almost guess that your attitude is going to slowly change and you're going to see him as some kind of pervert. You're getting mad at him for something that he has no knowledge about.

Hahahaha! I am NOT resenting anything, and I'm NOT angry!

Oh my gosh this is just ridiculous ! Whether he has had sex with a prostitute or is having an affair, it isn't going to change anything. Whatever he's doing there is nothing I can do anything about. I've resigned myself to the probability.

I can almost guess that your attitude is going to slowly change and you're going to see him as some kind of pervert.

WOW, WOW, and WOW. Who's mind reading now?

then you imagined him with a mistress, then hookers

Yes , I agree. I imagined him with an alienator. That IS my biggest fear. Why, because he IS looking! Hookers? No, just one! And to be frank, I would prefer that. But whatever he may be doing, I'm hanging in there.

You are assuming an awful lot about where my head is presently. I'm finally okay with the probability, and am actually dealing with it! If I digress to any feelings about this , it will most likely be sorrow.

Regret over what I did and didn't do. How he didn't feel secure enough within himself to come to me and share his desires.

I have come to a place where I know that I have contributed to what he is going through. You are assuming that I want or need to confront him, because I have accepted the very real possibility.
The Replay stage of MLC is not the time to question him.

And pervert...reeeeally? I have more creativity and ideas about what I would like to explore with him , than you can even imagine. No it doesn't involve other people or animals ;D.

I am a bit frustrated, thinking about not learning what I know now,earlier. Look, I get he's going through MLC, and I get that he's going to try on different persona's . I'm even going to try and do the same. I'm thinking of getting some wigs!

I'm looking at this from a different perspective. Do I wish the possibility wasn't there? Absolutely! Do I wish that he would rather experiment with me? YES! But that's not my reality. He is out of our home.

So I'm going to be comfort and security right now. A place he can visit without fear of me being sad, angry, or judgemental.

Will I have future emotions...yeeees. I'm not dead, and this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do!

So Mr. Bond, lets move on and stop assuming things about me. Okay?

[MrBond]

"I can almost guess that your attitude is going to slowly change and you're going to see him as some kind of pervert."

"WOW, WOW, and WOW. Who's mind reading now?"

I wasn't mindreading. You notice I said "guess". I hope you understand that I mentioned these things because sadly I've seen many LBS's go through this time and time again. 5 years worth of situations I've seen come and go. So all I'm saying is that I noticed that you were following the same path I've seen so many go through before. In fact, I can honestly say that I've seen many say almost the exact same things you have verbatim.

It's a simple warning of what could happen.

[Ambivalent]

I've seen many LBS's go through this time and time again. 5 years worth of situations I've seen come and go.

What is it that you think I'm going through?

That I would think him a pervert? And what Path is that?

That I'm trying to accept what he needs to do? Understand that he is trying to figure things out?


Are you trying to help or provoke? I really don't get you or what you are trying to do or say?

"I can almost guess that your attitude is going to slowly change and you're going to see him as some kind of pervert."

This is projecting, and it comes across as very negative. It is disturbing . Perversion has never crossed my mind. Why would you even think
something like that?
He is trying to connect, trying to self-medicate. Does it hurt , absolutely!



I feel as if you are placing words in my mouth, when other words are ignored. Others that are clearly stating where I am at present.

It seems that the words:
probable, possible, and circumstantial have been ignored.

No one knows where they will be in the future, and you are reading anger and resentment where there is none.

Have I felt hate, anger, resentment? Yes, I've been married for 29 years, it comes with the territory. I've also felt joy, elation, passion, and incredible love.
I've felt pain, embarrassment, and sorrow as well.

Feelings and attitudes change, and sometimes people surprise you!
I'm sure I will have more feelings of pain in the future, but for now I'm not feeling as much anxiety as before.

Don't be so quick to judge based on other's behavior. Nor judge on my rants or venting. They are a release so I don't suppress my emotions , so it doesn't lead to resentment. Judging doesn't get us anywhere positive.

It's a simple warning of what could happen.

This is cryptic. What are you trying to say?

I'm trying to understand, but it seems you aren't hearing me.

[MrBond]

"This is projecting, and it comes across as very negative. It is disturbing . Perversion has never crossed my mind. Why would you even think something like that? "

Go back and read your posts on your thread. You are the one that doesn't seem to notice that you're coming across that way. Many others have commented on it.

"I'm trying to understand, but it seems you aren't hearing me."

It's the other way around. Go back to read your own thread. Others have commented the same as I but you still don't get it.