Thanks Mach. I realize I'm still pretty new to this all. There is no movement from her side and its irrelevant at this point. I genuinely like the changes that I am making in myself. When she threw at me that person 1, and person 2, and person 3 all said that you are being really friendly and happy, it made me feel good. It made me feel good that someone is noticing a change in me and seeing it for what it is. Also tells me that she is probably initiating some of these conversations with people, or at least cataloging them all. Whatever, I'm gonna treat myself to some ice cream or something today because 2 months ago I wouldn't have navigated that spew very well.
I am really trying to process a lot of the information that she gave me last night during her tirade. I know that no matter what her intentions were, there is truth to the feelings that she was expressing.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
It's A LOT to process JFun......it's going to take a bit of time but you're handling yourself so well!!
I like how Mach had it all written out, line by line. When I first read what you wrote I wanted to say but here she said this and now she's saying this but am not savvy enough to have thought to lay it out like he did.....I'm glad he did because I also learned a lot!
I think you get an A++ for liking the new you too.....I'm thinking that is the most important part of the equation.
Have a great day:)
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
To echo what Mach said - nope, it's not weird at all. I heard almost all the same things you did, verbatim, and I have to say you handle it better than I did at that stage. Well done.
As for the echo, it was so common in my situation that my ex would spew and then be nice and friendly, that my daughter once suggested to me that I pick a fight with mommy so she would release some of that pressure. By that time I saw the pattern and realized that wasn't working for me and that I was important in this. It took a while to get there for me.
You're doing great and you have a great perspective and approach. I'm very impressed and happy you do. Sorry you have to be tested like this, but I think you can see the way forward. Your family is lucky to have you.
Hang in there!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Awesome news. I didn't even have to treat myself to something sweet today. I had a friend bring me lunch unsolicited that included a big helping of homemade banana pudding. For a Southern boy, there's not much better.
Thoughts: W did say last night that everything I was doing was "overkill." Not sure if she wants me to back off being friendly or what. As I talked to my friend who just conquered this about a year ago, some things came to mind. I have always been a little standoffish when W and I have been around folks, because we are always around people she knows and has history with. Maybe that's why that part bugs her so much. I am genuinely becoming friendly with people who have in the past seen me as her H and not an individual.
Looking back, I watched the woman I love sit and stand in front of me for an hour trying to demolish me. Her face went through so many emotions. She almost cried, she raged, she talked down to me, she used my kids against me, etc. I felt steady and strong during it all and she was completely disarmed. I thank everyone who has listened and shared here for helping me acquire the tools to survive. I know I have a long way to go in this thing, but progress for me is good.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Another way to look at it is that this is another data point. She shared a lot with you. That took a lot of the pressure off of her and you were able to listen in a disarming way. They are her feelings. They don't have to be what you feel or what you see. They just are what she feels at that point in time.
Overkill? It would be if your reasons to change are for her benefit. That's why you keep being asked about your intentions.
And yes, she is trying to demolish you. It must be frustrating for her to try that and yet see you not caving in, don't you think? You're taking away her justification for her actions. As that happens she has to re-evaluate. That means she has to look at her reasons. Again. That's not going to be easy for her.
As you dig into the parts that have truth, and all good stories have some truth in them, try to remember that they are her feelings and not necessarily reality. To her they are the same thing, but for you and your changes they may not be an accurate reflection of you. Or at least not an accurate portrayal. Only you can figure that out and you are responsible for you.
You're doing well and asking a lot of the right questions. Keep at it. Keep doing it for you.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
W didn't come home with boys until after 9:00, 2.5 hours after bball practice over. No explanation for where they were. I assumed they went to eat, but didn't ask. I had already fixed my own supper and started watching a movie. W came straight in, noted that I had fixed something to eat, and went directly to shower and laid on the bed alone.
I did daily checkup with both boys, wrestled with S10 for a while, and watched some tv with S12. Talked homework with both of them and tucked them both in. W did get up and say good night to boys and went straight back to bed. I made comment about what she was watching. I got nothing in return but a sideways look and brush off comment. I smiled, said enjoy, and left the room. Guess this is fallout from last night.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
A front-loader that allows you to see inside, but with no consistent clarity. You notice a red sock in with the whites...what the heck, I certainly didn't put a red sock in with the whites...?
It is going this way, that way, to the left, to the right.
Then it spins, slowly at first, then faster and faster.
Then it slows down. Stops.
Then a new load gets put in, and the cycle repeats.
Over and over, until all the laundry is done.
The piles of laundry are her issues, old and new. The washer her mind.
But eventually the laundry gets done. The laundry doesn't pile up as fast.
Buckle up your seat belt, and the kids'...
Don't put bleach in with the darks, or red in with the whites.
It will get done, and better, though it'll seem like it'll never end. and seem worse a lot of the time. But, it does get done.
Oh, why are you watching the laundry? Surely other things need doing, right?
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
J, you are doing great. But try not to figure her out. It is impossible right now. Really and truly.
It could be the fallout from last night or a hang nail. There is no rhyme or reason. Trust me on that.
I still see you looking at her. It is early yet. But, the sooner you stop, the easier it becomes.
Live your life. Be a great dad. And let her go. This is her journey to walk. And you watching it, isnt going to make it go any faster. You trying to figure it out, isnt going to make it any clearer.
She will change like the wind. Best to let her blow in it right now.
She will change like the wind. Best to let her blow in it right now. Keep going.
So interesting you made this analogy. My H keeps listening to Alex Turner's "Hard to Get Around the Wind." And it really makes you wonder... at some deeper level they realize they are just drifting aimlessly for the moment. "And even when you know, which way it's gonna blow, it's hard to get around the wind." I hope the wind is eventually going to blow the way we are all wishing and waiting for.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
